Trapped in the Closet - Full Episode - Season 09 - Ep 12 | South Park Studios

OH DUDE,CHECK IT OUT !

I GOT A JAKE PLUMMER !

OH MAN, I GOT A CRAPPYA.J. FEELEY AGAIN !

HOW COME YOU DIDN'TBUY ANY CARDS, STAN ?

I CAN'T SPENDANY MONEY.

I'M SAVING UP FORTHAT BIKE I WANT.

HA, SAVING MONEY !DURRRR !

SO WHAT SHOULDWE DO NOW ?

IT'S SATURDAY,WE HAVE TO HAVE

AS MUCH FUNAS POSSIBLE !

HEY I KNOW, LET'S GOPLAY LASER TAG AT FUNPLEX.

HEY YEAH !

NO, I DON'T WANT TOSPEND ANY MONEY, YOU GUYS.

LET'S JUST DO SOMETHINGFUN, THAT'S FREE.

STAN, DON'T YOU KNOWTHE FIRST LAW OF PHYSICS ?

ANYTHING THAT'S FUN COSTSAT LEAST EIGHT DOLLARS.

YEAH, DUDE, NOTHING FUN IS FREE.

WELL I CAN'TSPEND ANY MONEY !

OKAY, BE A JEW.

WE'RE GONNA GOPLAY LASER TAG !

YEAH, SEE YA !

HELLO !

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKEA PERSONALITY TEST ?

IT'S FUN ANDIT'S FREE !

EXCUSE ME ?

WE'RE DOING FREEPERSONALITY TESTS TODAY !

WHAT DOI HAVE TO DO ?

HAVE YOU HEARDOF SCIENTOLOGY ?

IT'S ALL BASED ONTHE BOOK 'DIANETICS'.

A LOT OF REALLY COOL PEOPLEARE SCIENTOLOGISTS.

LIKE TOM CRUISE,AND JOHN TRAVOLTA !

WHY DON'T YOUCOME ON IN

AND WE'LL GET YOUR FUN FREEPERSONALITY TEST STARTED !

LET'S JUST FINDAN EMPTY ROM HERE,

LOTS OF PEOPLE GETTINGFREE TESTS TODAY !

HEY BRIAN !

HEY KELLY,HOW'S IT GOING ?

GREAT, I WANT YOUTO MEET MY NEW FRIEND STAN !

HEY THERE,HOW ARE YOU ?

FINE.

BRIAN'S GONNA GIVE YOUYOUR PERSONALITY TEST,

AND THEN LET YOU KNOWSOME THINGS ABOUT SCIENTOLOGY !

GOOD TIMES,GOOD TIMES !

LOOK, IS THISA RELIGION ?

BECAUSE MY FAMILY IS, LIKE,CATHOLIC OR SOMETHING.

OH THAT'S NOTA PROBLEM AT ALL !

SCIENTOLOGY IS MORE OF ANALTERNATIVE TO PSYCHOLOGY

THAN A RELIGION !

THEN HOW COME THAT SIGN SAYS"CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY" ?

OH THAT'S JUSTTHIS THING--

WHAT'S THE DENVER BRONCOS'RECORD NOW, SIX AND TWO ?

SEVEN AND TWO.

WOW, THAT'S GREAT !

ALRIGHT, COME ON INAND TAKE A SEAT,

WE'RE GONNAHAVE SOME FUN !

ALRIGHT, NOW I'M JUST GONNAASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS.

JUST ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS ASTRUTHFULLY AS YOU CAN, ALRIGHT ?

OKAY, NUMBER ONE -

DO YOU EVER MAKE REMARKSWHICH YOU LATER REGRET ?

UHHH... SURE ?

UH-HUH.

WOULD YOU RATHER GIVE ORDERSTHAN TAKE THEM ?

YEAH.

DO YOU EVER WHISTLE...JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT ?

OKAY, FINALLY,DOES LIFE SOMETIMES

FEEL VAGUE ANDCONFUSING TO YOU ?

YES.

OKAY, STAN,WELL, THAT'S IT...

THAT'S THE END OF THEPERSONALITY TEST.

SO HOW'D I DO ?

WELL, I HATE TOTELL YOU THIS, STAN, BUT...

YOU ARE ONEMESSED UP KID.

HUH ?

YEAH... I'M AFRAID THATYOU ARE COMPLETELY MISERABLE

AND TOTALLY DEPRESSED.

I AM ?

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT !

WELL, THERE'S CERTAINLY NO QUESTION

THAT YOU ARE A PERFECTCANDIDATE FOR SCIENTOLOGY.

I THINK IT CAN REALLYMAKE YOU HAPPY AGAIN.

WHAT DO I DO ?

IT'S VERY SIMPLE.

WE JUST NEED TWO HUNDREDAND FORTY DOLLARS.

OUR FRIEND STAN WANTSTO HAVE AUDITING !

OH, GOOD FOR YOU !

YOU'RE GONNABE SO HAPPY !

I HOPE SO.

IT'S THE BEGINNING OF A WHOLENEW LIFE FOR YOU, STAN !

SEE YA AFTERWARDS !

GREAT, SO DO YOUHAVE THE $240.00 ?

PERFECT, WE'REON OUR WAY !

COME ON OVER HEREAND I'LL FILL YOU IN

ON HOW THECHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY WORKS.

YOU SEE, STAN,SCIENTOLOGY WAS FOUNDED

BY A GREAT MANNAMED L. RON HUBBARD.

MR. HUBBARD DISCOVEREDTHAT NEGATIVE EMOTIONS

ARE ACTUALLY CAUSED BYTHINGS CALLED "BODY THETANS".

REALLY ?

YES, AND BEINGTHE GENIUS THAT HE WAS

MR. HUBBARD INVENTED A WAYTO GET RID OF THE BAD THETANS !

THIS IS CALLEDAN "E-METER".

IT'S THE MAIN TOOLOF SCIENTOLOGY.

YOU JUST GRAB HOLDOF THESE HANDLES,

AS I TALK YOU THROUGHPAST EXPERIENCES IN YOUR LIFE.

I'LL BE TAKING READINGS, HERE,

AND WE'LL BE ABLE TODETERMINE YOUR THETAN LEVELS !

THETAN LEVELS...

COME ON IN THE AUDITING ROOM ANDI'LL SHOW YOU HOW IT WORKS !

ALL THESE PEOPLEARE JUST LIKE YOU, STAN,

AUDITING WITH E-METERS

TO GET RID OFTHEIR NEGATIVE EMOTIONS !

ALRIGHT, STAN,I WANT YOU TO JUST RELAX

AND TAKE HOLD OFTHE E-METER HANDLES.

SO, THIS IS GOINGTO MAKE ME HAPPY ?

JUST TAKEA FEW DEEP BREATHS

AND I'LL JUST GETA BASE READING

OF YOUR THETAN LEVELS.

( deep breath )

( humming & beeping )

HUH... THAT'STHAT'S STRANGE...

WHAT ?

SOMETHING'S...SOMETHING'S WRONG.

BRIAN, COULD YOUCOME OVER HERE A SECOND ?

YEAH, OH,HEY THERE, GREG !

STAN.

WILL YOU LOOK ATHIS THETAN LEVELS ?

HUH... WUL,GET ANOTHER E-METER,

THIS ONE ISOBVIOUSLY BROKEN.

SORRY, ABOUT THIS GREG.

...AND SO WE JUST TRY TOANALYZE YOUR PERSONALITY,

AND IF IT SEEMS LIKEYOU NEED SOME HELP,

THEN YOU CAN HAVE AUDITCOUNSELING FOR A NOMINAL FEE.

WELL, THAT SOUNDS PRETTYREASONABLE, M'KAY.

MIKE, I NEED TOTALK TO YOU.

EXCUSE ME, SIR,I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

ARE YOU ALRIGHT ?YOU'RE SWEATING !

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.WHAT IS IT ?

THE E-METER RESULTS FROMTHE LITTLE BOY IN ROOM "D".

THIS... THISCAN'T BE RIGHT.

WE RAN THE TESTFOUR TIMES.

WE USED FOURDIFFERENT E-METERS !

FAX THESE RESULTS TO THEHEAD OFFICE IN LOS ANGELES.

THE PRESIDENT HAS TOSEE THIS RIGHT AWAY.

GO, NOW !

YES, BUT HE ALSOWAS A PROPHET

WHO KNEW THE SECRET TRUTHABOUT THE NATURE OF LIFE.

THIS IS JUSTTOO MUCH...

WE WANT TOREVEAL TO STAN

THE GREAT SECRET OF LIFEBEHIND OUR CHURCH.

THE SAFELY GUARDEDSCIENTOLOGY DOCTRINE.

PLEASE, YOUR SON DESERVESTO BE ENLIGHTENED.

STAN, DO YOUWANT TO HEAR

THE GREAT SECRET DOCTRINE OF LIFE BEHIND SCIENTOLOGY ?

SURE.

ALRIGHT, GO AHEADAND TELL HIM.

WOULD YOUEXCUSE US, PLEASE.

THIS IS HIGHLY CLASSIFIEDCHURCH INFORMATION.

AW, RATS !

USUALLY, TO HEARTHE SECRET DOCTRINE

YOU HAVE TO BE IN THE CHURCHFOR SEVERAL YEARS, STAN.

ARE YOU READYTO HEAR THE TRUTH ?

I... I GUESS.

YOU SEE, STAN.

THERE IS A REASON FOR PEOPLEFEELING SAD AND DEPRESSED...

AN ALIEN REASON.

IT ALL BEGAN SEVENTY-FIVEMILLION YEARS AGO...

BACK THEN, THERE WAS A GALACTICFEDERATION OF PLANETS,

WHICH WAS RULED OVERBY THE EVIL LORD XENU !

HA HA HA HAAA !

XENU THOUGHT HIS GALAXYWAS OVERPOPULATED

AND SO HE ROUNDED UPCOUNTLESS ALIENS

FROM ALLDIFFERENT PLANETS...

AND THEN HADTHOSE ALIENS FROZEN !

ZBAATAAA !

HA HA HA HAAAA !

THE FROZEN ALIEN BODIES

WERE LOADED ONTOXENU'S GALACTIC CRUISERS,

WHICH LOOKED LIKE DC-8s,EXCEPT WITH ROCKET ENGINES.

THE CRUISERS THEN TOOKTHE FROZEN ALIEN BODIES

TO OUR PLANET... EARTH.

AND DUMPED THEM INTOTHE VOLCANOES OF HAWAII.

THE ALIENS WERENO LONGER FROZEN

THEY WERE DEAD.

THE SOULS OF THOSE ALIENSHOWEVER, LIVED ON

AND ALL FLOATED UPTOWARDS THE SKY...

BUT, THE EVIL LORD XENUHAD PREPARED FOR THIS !

HA HA HA HAAAAA !

XENU DIDN'T WANTTHEIR SOULS TO RETURN,

AND SO HE HAD BUILT GIANTSOUL CATCHERS IN THE SKY !

AAAAAGHGHGH !ZZZZZZBAAAAA !

THE SOULS WERE TAKEN TO A HUGESOUL BRAINWASHING FACILITY

WHICH XENU HAD ALSOBUILT ON EARTH !

THERE THE SOULSWERE FORCED TO WATCH

DAYS OF BRAINWASHING MATERIAL

WHICH TRICKED THEM INTOBELIEVING A FALSE REALITY.

XENU THEN RELEASEDTHE ALIEN SOULS,

WHICH ROAMED THE EARTHAIMLESSLY IN A FOG OF CONFUSION.

AT THE DAWN OF MAN,

THE SOULS FINALLY FOUND BODIESWHICH THEY COULD GRAB ONTO.

THEY ATTACHED THEMSELVESTO ALL MANKIND

WHICH STILL TO THIS DAY,CAUSES ALL OF OUR FEARS,

OUR CONFUSIONSAND OUR PROBLEMS.

L. RON HUBBARDDID AN AMAZING THING,

TELLING THE WORLDTHIS INCREDIBLE TRUTH.

NOW ALL WE'REASKING YOU TO DO...

IS PICK UPWHERE HE LEFT OFF.

BUT I DON'T KNOWANY OF THIS STUFF !

NEITHER DID L. RONWHEN HE STARTED.

HE SAID HE JUSTCLOSED HIS EYES

AND WROTE DOWNWHATEVER CAME TO MIND.

YOU CAN DO THE SAME,JUST LET IT FLOW.

OKAY, I'LL TRY.

I JUST WISH I COULDWRITE IN MY ROOM,

BUT TOM CRUISE WON'TCOME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

I KNOW, WE'VE SENTNICOLE KIDMAN UP THERE

TO SEE IF SHE CAN HELP.

TOM...TOM IT'S NICOLE.

HI NICOLE.

TOM, DON'T YOU THINK THISHAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH ?

IT'S TIME FOR YOU TOCOME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

WHAT'S THE MATTERWITH YOU ?

I'M TOTALLY DEPRESSED.

WHAT-WHY ?I DON'T KNOW.

WELL HOW LONG HAVE YOUBEEN FEELING THIS WAY ?

I'M NOT SURE !

BUT...I NEED $240.00.

$240.00 ? WHAT'D YOU DO,BREAK SOMETHING ?

NO, I FOUND A SELF-HELPPROGRAM THAT CAN CURE ME !

OH JESUS, THE ANSWERIS NO, STANLY.

BUT I'M COMPLETELY MISERABLEAND THESE PEOPLE CAN HELP !

STANLY, I DIDN'T KNOWYOU WERE MISERABLE !

NEITHER DID I !

STANLY, DO YOU HAVE ANYCONCEPT OF MONEY AT ALL ?

MONEY DOESN'T GROWON TREES YOU KNOW !

DON'T YOU CARETHAT I'M DEPRESSED ?

WHAT IF I BECOMESUICIDAL

OR BECOME AN ALCOHOLICLIKE GRANDPA ?HAH ?

WELL IF YOU REALLY THINKYOUR LIFE IS SO BAD, STAN,

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE WHAT YOUHAVE OUT YOUR BICYCLE SAVINGS.

WUL, BUT...THAT'S MY MONEY.

YEAH, WELL, JUST LIKETHE REST OF US

YOU HAVE TO MAKECHOICES WITH YOUR MONEY.

YOU WANT A BIKE OR DO YOUWANT TO NOT BE DEPRESSED ?

THE BOY IS FROM A SMALLMOUNTAIN TOWN IN COLORADO, SIR.

SIR, HOW CAN IT BETHAT A FIRST-TIMER

SCORES THAT KIND OFTHETAN LEVEL ?

HE REGISTERED O-T-9 !

I'M ONLY O-T-7 AND I'VE BEENIN THE CHURCH ALL MY LIFE !

I HAVE WAITED...

FORTY-TWO YEARSFOR THIS DAY.

SIR ?

DON'T YOU ALL SEEWHAT THIS MEANS ?

THERE IS ONLY ONE PERSONWHO EVER REGISTERED O-T-9

IN THE HISTORYOF OUR CHURCH !

L. RON HUBBARD SAIDHE HAD LIVED PAST LIVES.

THAT WHEN HE DIED HIS THETANWOULD SHOW ITSELF AGAIN.

OUR PROPHET HAS RETURNED.

I TOOK OUTTHE GARBAGE YESTERDAY !

RIGHT NOW, STAN !

ARGHGH !

STUPID DUMB GARBAGE.

THERE HE IS !( crowd cheering )

THANK YOUFOR RETURNING !

HE'S WONDERFUL !

HE'S WONDERFUL !

STAN, WHAT THE HELLDID YOU DO ?

I DON'T KNOW !

HELLO, YOUNG MAN.

I'M THE HEADOF SCIENTOLOGY.

IT IS...

A GREAT HONORTO MEET YOU.

ALRIGHT, WHAT THE HELLIS GOING ON HERE ?

WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOUR SONFOR A LONG TIME, MR. MARSH.

HE IS THE REINCARNATION OF OURCHURCH'S MOST SACRED PROPHET.

WHAT ?

SCIENTOLOGISTS THE WORLD OVERARE SIMPLY REJOICING

IN HIS SECOND COMING !

LOOK, WE DON'T WANT OUR SONTO JOIN YOUR GROUP OKAY ?

WE'RE NOT ASKING HIMTO JOIN US...

WE'RE ASKING HIMTO LEA US.

OH MY GOD IT'SJOHN TRAVOLTA !

IS THIS WHERE HE LIVES ?

IS THIS WHEREL. RON HUBBARD IS ?

OH-MY-GAHD !

YES, JOHN TRAVOLTAAND TOM CRUISE

ARE BIG SCIENTOLOGISTS.

DO YOUBELIEVE ME NOW ?

YOUNG MAN, I KNOWYOU DON'T REMEMBER IT.

BUT YOUR NAME WASL. RON HUBBARD.

YOU REVEALED A SECRET

WHICH BEGAN THE WHOLECHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY.

OKAY STAN,IT'S LATE,

GO UP TO YOUR ROOMAND GET READY FOR BED.

LET MOMMY AND DADDYHANDLE THIS.

L. RON ?

L. RON !

IT REALLY IS YOU !

OH THIS IS THE GREATESTDAY OF MY LIFE !

AW, DUDE, I NEEDTO GO TO BED.

DON'T YOUUNDERSTAND, L. RON ?

IT'S ME, TOM CRUISE.

YEAH, I KNOWWHO YOU ARE.

WELL HAVEN'TI DONE WELL, L. RON ?

HAVEN'T YOU ENJOYEDMY ACTING ?

WHICH FILM DIDYOU LIKE BEST ?

WELL... I MEAN...YOU'RE NOT, LIKE,

AS GOOD AS LEONARDO DiCAPRIO,BUT YOU'RE OKAY, I GUESS.

WHAT ?

I MEAN, YOU'RENOT GENE HACKMAN

OR THAT GUY THATPLAYED NAPOLEON DYNAMITE,

BUT YOU'RE OKAY.

I'M NOTHING !

I'M A FAILURE IN THEEYES OF THE PROPHET !

AAAHGHG !

HEY DUDE, I'M SORRYI DIDN'T MEAN IT.

GO AWAY !

DUDE, THISIS MY ROOM !

GO AWAY I SAID !

DAAAD, TOM CRUISE WON'TCOME OUT OF THE CLOSET !

WHAT ?

TOM CRUISE LOCKEDHIMSELF IN MY CLOSET

AND HE WON'T COME OUT.

MR. CRUISE ?

MR. CRUISE, COME OUTOF THE CLOSET.

NO.

COME ON, MR. CRUISETHIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I'M NEVERCOMING OUT !

WHAT DID YOUSAY TO HIM ?

I JUST TOLD HIM I THOUGHTTHE NAPOLEON DYNAMITE GUY

IS A BETTER ACTORTHAN HE IS.

OH BOY...

MR. CRUISE, YOU CAN'TJUST STAY IN THE CLOSET,

YOU NEED TO COME OUT.

WHAT'S GOING ON ?

TOM CRUISE WON'TCOME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

WHAT ?

JUST LEAVEME ALONE !

WELL, WE CAN'TLEAVE YOU ALONE

BECAUSE YOU WON'TCOME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

TOM CRUISE, THIS ISPARK COUNTY POLICE,

PLEASE COME OUTOF THE CLOSET.

EVERYBODY HERE JUST WANTS YOUTO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET, TOM.

NOBODY'S GOING TO BE MAD.

EVERYTHING'S GOINGTO BE ALRIGHT.

JUST COME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

WE'RE STILL NOT EXACTLY SURE WHYTOM CRUISE IS IN THE CLOSET,

BUT I'M BEING JOINED NOW

BY FAMOUS SINGER/SONGWRITERR. KELLY

♪ WELL, I WAS JUSTSTANDING HERE ♪

♪ AND TOM CRUISE LOCKEDHIMSELF IN THE CLOSET ♪

♪ AND I ASK MYSELFWHY WON'T TOM CRUISE ♪

♪ JUST COME OUTTHE CLOSET ♪

♪ BUT NOBODYHAS NO ANSWERS ♪

♪ AND I SO PULL OUTMY GUN-- ♪

AAAGHGH !

♪ TELL ME WHY TOM CRUISEIN THE CLOSET ♪

♪ OR ELSE I AM GONNASHOOT SOMEONE ♪♪

PLEASE UNDERSTAND, WE JUST WANTWHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR SON.

THE REINCARNATIONOF L. RON HUBBARD

MUST BE TAKEN CARE OF,HE HAD MANY ENEMIES.

YES YOU ARE, TOM

AND YOU NEED TO JUSTEND THIS AND COME OUT.

I'M NOT GOING TO THINKANY DIFFERENTLY OF YOU.

KATIE'S NOT GOING TO THINKANY DIFFERENTLY OF YOU.

YOU DON'T NEED TO BE INTHAT CLOSET ANY MORE, TOM.

I'M NOTIN HERE THOUGH.

YES, YOU ARE.

I'M NOT... I'M NOTIN THE CLOSET.

THEN HOW AMI TALKING TO YOU, TOM ?

TOM, YOU CAN'THIDE FOREVER

JUST BECAUSE THEREINCARNATION OFL. RON HUBBARD

DOESN'T LIKE YOUR ACTING.

COME OUT OF THE CLOSET, TOM,YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE.

BUT I'M NOT--I'M NOT IN HERE.

YEAH, YEAH !

HEY STAN... WE'REGONNA GO TO THE MOVIES.

I CAN'T, I'M WRITING A NEWSACRED DOCTRINE FOR MY CHURCH.

ABOUT THIS CULTYOU'RE GETTING INTO.

CULT ? SCIENTOLOGYISN'T A CULT, KYLE !

I'VE READ ALL THIS STUFFAND IT'S BASED ON FACT.

DUDE, L. RON HUBBARD WASA SCIENCE FICTION WRITER !

HE LIVED ON A BOATWITH ONLY YOUNG BOYS

AND GOT BUSTED BYTHE FEDS NUMEROUS TIMES !

I DID NOT !

THOSE ARE RUMORS PUT OUTBY PEOPLE WHO ARE AFRAID

BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOWTHE SECRET TRUTH !

WHAT SECRET TRUTH ?

I CAN'T TELL YOU UNLESSYOU PAY FOR A FEW YEARS

OF AUDIT COUNSELING.

ALL I KNOW IS THATI WAS DEPRESSED BEFORE

AND NOW I'VEFOUND MEANING.

I DIDN'T KNOWYOU WERE DEPRESSED.

NEITHER DID I.

BUT NOW IF YOU GUYS CAN'T ACCEPTTHIS GREAT THING I BELONG TO,

THEN I SUPPOSE WE'RENO LONGER FRIENDS.

STAN, I JUSTWANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT I STILL HATE KYLEMORE THAN YOU.

TOM- HEY TOM,IT'S JOHN TRAVOLTA.

OH HEY, JOHN.

TOM, YOU GOTTA COME OUTTATHE CLOSET, OH-MY-GAHD.

L. RON HUBBARD DOESN'T THINKI'M A GREAT ACTOR !

MAYBE YOU TOOK WHAT HE SAIDOUT OF CONTEXT.

OKAY, IT'S LIKE, IFYOU DON'T COME OUT,

CAN I AT LEAST COME INAND TALK TO YOU ?

OKAY, BUT NO TRICKS.

NO TRICKS.

HEY, IT'S REALLYNICE IN HERE !

YEAH, SEE ?

I FEEL REALLY SAFEOH-MY-GAHD !

HELLO ?

HEY, COMEOUTTA THERE !

TOM, IT NOW APPEARSTHAT JOHN TRAVOLTA

IS ALSO IN THE CLOSET ANDHE REFUSES TO COME OUT !

HERE WITH MORE DETAILSONCE AGAIN, IS R. KELLY

♪ I WAS JUSTSTANDING HERE ♪

♪ TOM CRUISE LOCKEDHIMSELF IN THE CLOSET ♪

♪ THEN JOHN TRAVOLTACAME AND NOW ♪

♪ JOHN TRAVOLTAIN THE CLOSET TOO ♪

♪ PLEASE TOM CRUISEAND JOHN TRAVOLTA ♪

♪ COME OUT OF THE CLOSET

♪ BUT THENI CALM MYSELF DOWN ♪

♪ AND I PULL OUTMY GUN ♪

AAAGHGH !OH JESUS HERE WE GOWITH THE GUN AGAIN !

♪ IF TOM CRUISEAND JOHN TRAVOLTA ♪

♪ DON'T COME OUTTHE CLOSET ♪

♪ I'M GONNA CAPTHIS BITCH ♪♪

I WROTE THAT, UM...

OUR FOLLOWERS SHOULDN'TFLY IN DC-8s ANYMORE

BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO MUCHLIKE XENU'S EVIL CRUISERS.

YES, OF COURSE...IT'S SO WONDERFUL !

AND I WROTE THATTHE EVIL LORD XENU

HAS RECENTLY BROKEN OUTOF GALACTIC JAIL.

YES, OF COURSE !

AND BEST OF ALL,

I WROTE THAT ALLTHE SCIENTOLOGISTS

SHOULD NO LONGER HAVE TOPAY MONEY TO BELONG !

WHAT ?

I REALIZED THAT TOREALLY BE A CHURCH,

WE CAN'T CHARGEPEOPLE FOR HELP.

WHAT ARE YOU STUPID ?

THEN HOW DO WE MAKEMONEY FROM THOSE PEOPLE ?

WUL, IT'S NOTABOUT THE MONEY

IT'S ABOUTTHE MESSAGE, RIGHT ?

WAIT A MINUTE,WOA, WOA !

YOU DON'T ACTUALLYBELIEVE THIS CRAP, DO YOU ?

DUMMY !

BRAINWASHEDALIEN SOULS ?

E-METERS ANDTHETAN LEVELS ?

THOSE PEOPLE OUT THEREBUY THAT CRAP

BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERESMART ENOUGH TO SEE

WHAT WAS REALLYGOING ON !

BUT YOU SAIDTHAT THERE WAS--

WHAT'S BETTER THAN TELLINGPEOPLE A STUPID STORY

AND HAVINGTHEM BELIEVE YOU ?

HAVING THEM PAYYOU FOR IT, STUPID !

BUT THEN...WHY ME ?

WHY DO YOU NEED ME TOWRITE SOMETHING SO BADLY ?

BECAUSE IF THOSE PEOPLEALL THINK YOU'RE

THE REINCARNATIONOF L. RON HUBBARD

THEN THEY'LL ALLBUY YOUR NEW WRITINGS

AND YOU AND I TOGETHER WILLMAKE THREE MILLION DOLLARS !

THREE MILLION DOLLARS ?

YES, THAT'S HOWA SCAM WORKS !

BUT THIS IS A SCAMON A GLOBAL SCALE

DO YOU ---INGGET ME NOW ?

YEAH...YEAH I GET YOU.

THEN KEEP WRITING,L. RON !

YOUR PEOPLEARE WAITING !

TOM CRUISE ANDJOHN TRAVOLTA

STILL WILL NOTCOME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

PARK COUNTY POLICE HAVEDECIDED TO TRY A NEW METHOD.

♪ NOW, I'VE BEEN ASKEDTO COME UP HERE ♪

♪ AND GET YOU BOTHOUT OF THE CLOSET ♪

♪ MAN, THIS ISSOME CRAZY --- ♪

♪ WHY WON'T YOU BOTH JUSTCOME OUT THE CLOSET ? ♪

AND THEY SAID-

( both )♪ WE'RE NOT COMINGOUT THE CLOSET ♪

♪ SO YOU CANJUST GO AWAY ♪

♪ BUT EVERYONE WANTSYOU OUT THE CLOSET ♪

♪ THAT DOESN'T MATTER'CUZ WE'RE GONNA STAY ♪

♪ NOW I'M STARTIN'TO GET ANGRY ♪

♪ SO I PULLOUT MY GUN... ♪

AAAHGHGGH !

♪ I'M GONNA GIVE YOUCOUNT TO THREE ♪

♪ TO OPEN THISCLOSET DOOR ♪

♪ ONE, I'M GONNASHOOT YOU BOTH ♪

♪ TWO... I'M GONNACAP SOME BITCH ♪

♪ THREE...

♪ NOW I'MIN CLOSET... ♪

♪ NOW I'M INTHE CLOSET TOO ♪♪

OUR PROPHET HAS FINISHEDHIS NEW DOCTRINE

AND WILL NOW READSOME PASSAGES

BEFORE MAKING ITAVAILABLE TO YOU ALL

FOR A NOMINAL FEE !

( cheering )

I GIVE YOU...

THE REINCARNATIONL. RON HUBBARD !

( cheering )

UH... THANKS.

SO, FIRST OF ALL...

I'VE WRITTEN THATTHE BRAINWASHED ALIEN GHOSTS

ARE ACTUALLY FROM AGALAXY CALLED 'NUBUNON'.

OH !NEBUNON !OOH !

AND UH... UH...

I... I CAN'T DO THIS.

HUH... WHA ?

LOOK, EVERYBODY...

WE'RE ALL LOOKINGFOR ANSWERS, Y'KNOW ?

WE ALL WANTTO UNDERSTAND

WHO WE ARE ANDWHERE WE COME FROM BUT

SOMETIMES WE WANT TO KNOWTHE ANSWERS SO BADLY

THAT WE BELIEVEJUST ABOUT ANYTHING.

HUH ?WHAT ?

I'M NOT THE REINCARNATIONOF L. RON HUBBARD.

AND... SCIENTOLOGY IS JUSTA BIG FAT GLOBAL SCAM.

OOH-- WE AREGONNA SUE YOU !

WHAT ?

YEAH, YOU THINK YOU CAN SAYOUR RELIGION IS LIE ?

WE'LL SUE YOU, BUDDY !

YOU TOLD MEIT WAS A LIE !

OH NOW YOU'RE PUTTINGWORDS IN MY MOUTH !

YOU ARE SO SUED !

YOU CAN'T MAKE FUNOF SCIENTOLOGY, KID !

WE ARE GONNA SUEYOUR ASS AND YOUR BALLS !

YEAH !THAT'S RIGHT !

HOW DARE YOU MOCK OUR FAITH,YOU LITTLE PUNK !

YOU'LL BE HEARING FROMOUR LAWYERS TOMORROW !

WE'VE JUST HAD AN INCREDIBLEDEVELOPMENT HERE, MITCH !

TOM CRUISE, JOHN TRAVOLTAAND R. KELLY...

HAVE ALL COME OUTOF THE CLOSET !

SO YOU'RE NOTTHE PROPHET, HUH ?

YOU MADE ME LOOK STUPIDI'M GONNA SUE YOU TOO !

WELL FINEGO AHEAD AND SUE ME !

I WILL, I'LL SUE YOU IN ENGLAND !

YOU ARE SOSUED, KID !

WELL GO ON THEN,SUE ME !

WE'RE GOING TO !

OKAY, GOOD, DO IT !

I'M NOTSCARED OF YOU !

SUE ME !