I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining
As Kenny, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman try to decide what to do on the last day of spring break, they suddenly find themselves in a unanimous agreement over a plan to try ziplining for the first time. However, the activity proves tedious, with a lot of safety briefings, small talk and very long waiting and traveling times. The boys decide to leave after the first descent, after which they find the ziplining experience not too exciting; however, they are horrified after the tour guide tells them that there are 16 more ziplines on the tour.
Things get worse when Cartman, loaded with fast food from the previous night as well as sugar and caffeine from drinking excessive amounts of Mountain Dew, constantly farts; instead of stopping, he goes on to drink "Double Dew" which has twice the caffeine and sugar of Mountain Dew. After being further delayed by a free lunch of wet sandwiches, the boys use twigs to form the word "HELP" on the ground and wait.
Cartman gets a diarrhea attack and tries to find a restroom; Kyle tries to persuade him to use the forest as a restroom, but Cartman claims the diarrhea would attract beavers. Stan walks over to one of the employees to tell them that one of his friends has herpes as an excuse to leave the group, so, despite their enthusiasm with ziplining, the employee points to a nearby horse ranch, and the boys eagerly head towards it. However, it turns out that the horses are used for a tour group as well and cannot go faster than four miles per hour. While the tour group stops for lunch, Kyle lies on a rock, weak with boredom (annoyed by the fact that one of the tourists keeps saying "to make a long story short" but are actually making it long). Stan notices a marina nearby, and so they decide to get a boat to try and escape. A viewer discretion warning appears, flashing to a live action sequence.
The power boat turns out to be slow as well (going five miles an hour), and the boys snap. Cartman is blamed for his diarrhea, everyone is trying to recall whose idea it was to go ziplining to begin with, except for Kenny, who does not care as he is apparently dying from a combination of boredom and herpes. Cartman defecates into the water; it attracts beavers, which the boys fight off. They then realize that falling asleep might result in their death, so in order to keep everyone awake, Kyle asks Cartman to share his drink (now "Diet Double Dew", which has half the caffeine and sugar of "Double Dew", which is pretty much regular Mountain Dew), but he refuses to let Kenny touch it because he has herpes.
Kenny eventually dies and the three boys end up contracting herpes from sharing it anyway. When Kyle and Cartman start arguing on whose idea it was to go ziplining again, Stan admits that he was the one who signed them up for the ziplining tour, in order to receive a free 5th generation iPod nano (which cannot be traded). Stan however revealed this earlier in the episode in one of the interview scenes that excessively occur throughout, although he was reluctant to tell his friends. Kyle and Cartman are outraged and they all have an emotional breakdown. Just as all hope seems lost, the boys are miraculously rescued by Mr. Hankey who takes them home. At this point, the live action sequence ends and reverts to its original animation format (however, the short interview scenes were still animated during the live action sequence).
In the aftermath, Kenny's body is delivered to his family. Stan and Cartman are treated for their herpes (Cartman, having previously mocked Kenny for having herpes, now claims his was a cold sore), and Kyle is hospitalized due to Cartman's feces getting stuck in his nose following Cartman's incessant farting. Motivated to raise awareness about the boredom risks of ziplining, Stan makes a video, but ends up "jackin' it in San Diego" à la Jason Russell again as he did in the previous episode. Cartman goes back to drinking Diet Double Dew as he refuses to "Dew the Math".
- "Stop drinking double dew fat ass!" Kyle
- "I can't take it anymore... Why do people say 'Long Story Short'? They're not making it short, Stan." Kyle