South Park
What Scientologist Actually Believe
Season 9 E 12 • 11/16/2005

The head of the Church of Scientology tells Stan the creation myth that Scientologists believe.
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01:04

South ParkS9 E11
Cartman's a Ginger

Now that Cartman has Gingervitus, the doctor suggests his mother put him down... Or at least keep him out of the sun.
11/09/2005
01:13

South ParkS9 E11
Ironic Ginger

Cartman tries to downplay the irony of his Gingervitus, while Butters finds his appearance hilarious.
11/09/2005
00:56

South ParkS9 E11
Cartman is Cast Out

The boys won't let Cartman sit in the cafeteria during lunch in case the other gingers follow suit.
11/09/2005
01:09

South ParkS9 E11
Ginger Pride

Cartman holds a meeting with all the ginger kids to express his frustration with the discrimination going on at school and encourages them to take action.
11/09/2005
01:39

South ParkS9 E11
Red Power

Cartman starts an organization called, the Ginger Separatist Movement, and the group is outraged that a non-ginger is playing the lead in "Annie."
11/09/2005
01:46

South ParkS9 E11
Ginger Pride Conference

Cartman leads the All Ginger Pride Conference and convinces the ginger kids to round up the non-gingers for extermination.
11/09/2005
02:02

South ParkS9 E12
Go Ahead, Sue Me!

Stan tells the truth about the scam behind Scientology. The Scientologists want to sue him.
11/16/2005
00:50

South ParkS9 E12
Tom, It's Nicole

With R. Kelly narrating the action from outside, Nicole Kidman steps in to try her hand at getting Tom Cruise out of the closet.
11/16/2005
02:43

South ParkS9 E12
Free Personality Test

Stan's saving his money so he can buy a new bike. Luckily, the personality test Scientologists administer is free.
11/16/2005
02:11

South ParkS9 E12
Fax These Results to Los Angeles

Stan uses his bike money to get audited by the Scientologists. His E-Meter scores are higher than any the Scientologists have ever seen.
11/16/2005
02:59

South ParkS9 E12
What Scientologist Actually Believe

The head of the Church of Scientology tells Stan the creation myth that Scientologists believe.
11/16/2005
00:51

South ParkS9 E12
A Bike or Not Being Depressed

Stan's mom notices something is wrong with Stan. When he tells them that he needs $240 not to be depressed, Stan's Dad says no.
11/16/2005
00:45

South ParkS9 E12
OT 9

Stan's off-the-charts thetin results are rushed to the head of Scientology, who immediately knows their cause: Stan is the second coming of the great leader.
11/16/2005
01:40

South ParkS9 E12
Thank You For Returning

When Stan goes to take out the trash, he is greeted by throngs of Scientologists hoping to catch a glimpse of their prophet.
11/16/2005
01:26

South ParkS9 E12
Tom Cruise Won't Come Out of The Closet

Tom Cruise is seeking approval for his acting career. Stan doesn't tell him what he wants to hear.
11/16/2005
00:57

South ParkS9 E12
R Kelly

Tom Cruise refuses to come out of the closet, so the local news media turns to R. Kelly.
11/16/2005
00:55

South ParkS9 E12
Stan Chooses Scientology

When Kyle tells Stan he thinks Scientology is wrong, Stan Chooses Scientology over their friendship.
11/16/2005
01:12

South ParkS9 E12
John Travolta Feels Safe in the Closet

John Travolta tries to get Tom Cruise to come out of the closet and winds up going in himself. R. Kelly sings about what's happening.
11/16/2005
01:27

South ParkS9 E12
Scam on a Global Scale

When Stan tells the head Scientologist about his idea to make membership in the church free, the head Scientologist tells him Scientology's a Scam on a Global Scale.
11/16/2005
00:55

South ParkS9 E12
R Kelly Sings with TC & JT

With Nicole Kidman and John Travolta having failed, it's time for R. Kelly shot.
11/16/2005
02:37

South ParkS9 E13
Willzyx's Problems

Kyle drags the boys back to Jambu's tank to show them that the whale can talk. The boys are made to believe the whale's name is Willzyx, he's from the moon, and he's very sick.
11/30/2005