Coon & Friends vs. Professor Chaos

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Coon & Friends vs. Professor Chaos

Postby Ex1lepr0 » Thu Dec 08, 2011 6:27 pm

I decided to take a crack at fanfiction writing, because to be perfectly honest, I have nothing better to do with my time. This will be about Coon and Friends and Mysterion mostly. Without further ado:

Prelude: Infiltration

"Stan, wait one minute for those guards to clear. I'll signal you when it's clear."

Stan nodded as he cut the link between the toy walkie-talkies he and Kyle were using to communicate. He risked peering around the corner to catch a glimpse of the two guards blocking his path. They were younger than him, probably third graders, just some kids who were bored on a Friday night and got tricked into working for Professor Chaos.

"Third grade. Man those days su-"

Stan abruptly cut himself off mid-sentence as he realized he was thinking out loud.
Stealth. The key part of this mission is stealth.
In keeping with that, he and Kyle, A.K.A. "The Human Kite", had ditched their usual costumes for black coats and pants that would blend in with the night. Kyle had worn a black watch cap, but Stan had no need for it. His midnight black hair was more than enough camouflage for him. He had also foregone most of his, or rather his Dad's, power tools, and only brought along a drill.

His thoughts were interrupted as Kyle messaged him again.

"You're all clear Stan, just watch your left side, I can't see very well out that way."

"Roger that. Toolshed out."

This mission was pretty complicated. Stan and Kyle had been tasked with infiltrating Professor Chaos's lair, hidden in a storage shed that General Dissaray's grandmother owned, and uncovering his newest evil scheme. They had volunteered to work on this mission together, the two best friends already mapping the mission out in their brains. Kyle was to "retrieve" a pair of his Dad's binoculars and be Stan's "Eyes in the Sky", while Stan would infiltrate the base using his power tools and uncover the needed intel. Mysterion agreed to this plan but told them to "Be careful".

Ha! As if I'd get caught...

Since the events in the Gulf and Mintberry Crunch being revealed to have actual superpowers, Coon & Friends had come under the command of Mysterion. Kenny was for the most part a good leader, but Stan felt he took too much credit for himself, even though he had run away from those priests in the back alley like some f*cking coward. But Kenny was in charge for a reason. He was the most fit out of all of them, he had no medical complications like Stan and Kyle did, and he was a damn good fighter. Stan had once seen him take down a fifth grader. That was how he and Tammy ended up together, but-

"Stan? Stan you there?"

Bringing the walkie talkie up to his mouth, Stan replied:

"Yeah, I'm here, what's wrong?"

"There's a slight....complication, from what I can tell."

Stan frowned.

"Well, what is it?"

"We originally thought that Professor Chaos's meeting would have only about 10 or 12 guards, right?"

"Yeah, that's the usual amount Butters has for his meetings."

"Well, from what I can see, there appears to be 25 guards, and some are fifth graders."

This WAS a complication. A few third graders was no problem to him, but Fifth graders? They were out of his league. They had to rethink their strategy. If Stan got caught, then Butters would know Coon & Friends were on to him, and he might retaliate. And now, with Fifth graders on his side, Butters would probably win.

"That's bad. Is there anything else?"

"Yeah, it looks like they're armed to the teeth. Some have NERF guns."

"That's not good....we need a new plan dude."

"I already thought of one. About fifty feet right of where you are, there's a small alley that you can hide in. See if you can hear the meeting from there. It looks close enough, but I'm not sure."

"Understood. Keep your eyes peeled for guards that may try to sneak up on me."

"Will do. And Stan? Be careful. Human Kite out."

Stan gritted his teeth. First Kenny, and now Kyle? Did they not think he could get the job done? Stan began moving towards the alcove, making sure to make as little noise as possible. He got there without a hitch, and sure enough, he could hear the meeting, but he couldn't see anything, as he was hiding behind a wall.

Wait, I know!

Taking his power drill, he carefully drilled a small hole through the wall and peered into the meeting. Thankfully, no one heard because the guards were making such a big ruckus. He looked in, and saw a large group of children gathered around. Sure enough, most of them were third graders, and he even saw one or two fourth graders. But what caught his attention were the six or so fifth graders. They carried larger weapons than anyone else, one even had a Nerf gun that looked like a Chain gun.

Man, that kid is lucky

Stan couldn't help but feel a little envious. But at the same time he was worried. Something that big could probably hurt him, particularly if one of those darts hit his face. He took a glance at the other weaponry they had. Nerf rifles, pistols, toy knives and a plastic sword here and there. Stan wasn't armed very heavily, all he had was his drill, but he wasn't looking to get in a fight. He was just supposed to gather the intel and get out. If sh*t hit the fans, Kyle would be his backup, but now....he doubted they could escape if they were detected.

Which is why you should focus on the meeting and not the toys their moms get them for Christmas.

And then, he appeared. Professor Chaos, with General Disarray at his side. They were in their usual costumes, the silver tin foil of their helmets casting an eerie reflection off the fire. The duo had been created after Stan, Kyle and Cartman kicked him out of their group, or so he later learned.

Why was he even in our group to begin with?

Stan remembered a brief period where they didn't hear anything from Kenny, even when they had won the contest for the candy store shopping spree. For some reason, Kenny hadn't been around for a brief span, and they had Butters, and then Tweek take his place. Stan tried to get Kenny to tell them why he had abandoned them, but Kenny just replied:
"You wouldn't understand, Stan. But know that I'll never abandon you guys like that again. I had something important to do, but now I'm back forever. You can count on that".
And no matter how much Stan and Kyle nagged him about it, Kenny refused to say more. He was so...mysterious at times...

"My minions! Today is the day we will make the world pay for casting us out! Today, the world will reap the consequences of its actions! Today, we outcasts will take over, and make the world a better place for us, those who have been forced to live in society's underbelly all these years!"

A cheer came up from the crowd. Even the fifth graders joined in. Maybe that's how Butters won all their loyalties, by exploiting their feelings of isolation. But, that didn't seem like something Butters would do...if anything it seemed more like....

As if on cue, The Coon walked up to stand next to Professor Chaos. He was also wearing his usual outfit, with his silly ears and mask. He couldn't believe that Cartman had tried to conceal his identity at first. Cartman stood out like a sore thumb, and not just because he was fat. Suddenly, it all made sense. Cartman wasn't the brightest of bulbs, but he was a master manipulator, even managing to get the dark god Cthulu to work for him. It wouldn't be overly difficult to convince fifth graders to work for Professor Chaos. But what did surprise Stan was that Cartman was working with Butters. Sure, Cartman would usually go to Butters when Kyle, Kenny and himself wouldn't help Cartman in his evil schemes. Butters was impressionable like that. But, Cartman had made it clear on several occasions that he didn't like Butters, and only worked with him when he could get something in return.

What is that little lardass up to?

Stan suddenly got the feeling he was being watched. Sure, Kyle was watching his progress, but this was different. He turned around.

Standing there was a first grader. Most likely one of Professor Chaos's guards.

"Um, halt! What are you doing here?"

"Hey, shut up, kid! Shouldn't you be at the meeting?"

"No...General Dissaray ordered me to stay on p-patrol and look for intruders. You look like an intruder to me, I'll have to turn you in!"

"Like hell, you will!"

Then Stan punched him on the arm.

Tears welled up in the little kids eyes, and he opened his mouth...

Oh, sh*t...

"Kyle! About to get loud!!!"

And the kid started bawling. But Stan was already moving, he had to get out of there, and fast!

"I'm on my way, Stan! Be there in less than a minute!"

Two more guards were in Stan's way. One a third grader, and another a second grader. The third grader took a swing at Stan with his toy knife, but Stan dodged it, and without breaking stride, slugged the kid in the gut, who fell down, gasping, the wind knocked out of him.

He turned to face the other kid. He was taking a swing at him, too late to dodge it....

An arm popped behind the kid, and he was thrown to the ground. In his place stood Human Kite.

"What took you so long?"

"Oh, you know..."

They heard voices behind them, getting closer...

"Let's move!", Stan yelled.

No response was needed as the two continued to run. Kyle was a little slower than Stan, so he had to slow his pace down a little. But then, he felt a growing pressure in his chest area...

No, not here, not now....

Kyle must've noticed the look of discomfort on his face, because he asked:

"Are you all right, Stan?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, just...."


"Yeah...we better get out of here quick."

"No, Stan. We'll stop a minute so you can use your inhaler. I'll hold them off.

"You sure, Kyle?"

"Positive. Now stop wasting time, and use it!"

Stan took out his inhaler, and squeezed a few puffs in his system. He had been an asthmatic since he was born, and it pissed him off a great deal. It gave him a physical limitation and impeded his athletic abilities. But, he remembered Kyle telling him once about one of their country's former presidents, Theodore Roosevelt. When he was young, president Roosevelt was sickly and suffered from Asthma. But through hard work, he had built himself up physically and become a great outdoors-man and an excellent hunter. Stan didn't care much for hunting, but he liked the idea that he could build himself into someone stronger. Maybe he could achieve his dream of playing for the Denver Broncos...someday...

"You good, Stan?"

Stan nodded.

"All right, let's go."

They resumed running at a faster pace, to make up for lost time. They hoped that they could avoid any further complications. No such luck.

Around the next bend were a pair of third graders with NERF guns. They hadn't drawn them yet, so Stan leaped forward, knocked the gun out of the kid's hand and flipped him over. Glancing over, he saw Kyle dispatch the other kid in a similar manner.

Nodding at each other, they resumed their frantic pace. They cut through an alley, and at that moment, their luck ran out. Exiting the alley, they were greeted on their right by a trio of fifth graders, one of whom was the one with the chain gun, and to their left was a group of about eight or so third and second graders.

"Ah, come on!" Stan yelled!

The fifth grader with the big gun began talking.

"Attention, fourthies! Stand down, we have you surrounded! There is no escape, so just give up quietly, and we won't hurt you...badly."

"Got any ideas, Stan?"

"Does fighting like crazy count as a plan?"

At that moment, Stan thought he saw a shadow cross his vision. The fifth grader continued yelling, but abruptly stopped and looked up at one of the rooftops.

"What the hell is that?!"

Standing on the roof was a figure in a black and purple cloak. A cowl was draped over his head, and protruding from the cowl was a green question mark.


Leaping down, Mysterion tripped the kid with the chain gun, and grabbed it, firing at the other two fifth graders, who were forced to take cover, and then returned fire.

Mysterion leaped back and landed in front of Kyle and Stan.

"Ok. My turn."

And with that, Mysterion rushed forward at the fifth graders. Stan and Kyle seized the initiative and rushed the third graders behind them. The thirdies opened fire. Stan and Kyle dropped low and slid under the darts, then got on their feet, and began to exchange blows furiously with the younger crowd.

On his end, Mysterion was engaged in hand to hand combat with the two fifth graders. He quickly realized that these guys were weak individually, but they were fighting together, and could probably overpower him. Thinking quickly, Mysterion retrieved some of the firecrackers in his cloak, lit them, and shielded his eyes. The two fifth graders were momentarily blinded, and Mysterion took the opportunity to rush forward and knock their heads together. They collapsed moaning and crying. Looking behind him, Mysterion saw that the first fifth grader had retrieved his gun and was pointing at Stan and Kyle.

"Stan, Kyle! Heads up!"

Hearing Kenny's voice, the duo looked behind them to see the kid revving his gun up and leaped into opposite alleys for cover. Darts began flying past them, and they would go on for a while.

"Kyle, we don't have time for this! We need to get out of here before reinforcements arrive!"

"I know that, Stan! Hey, Kenny! Think you can take care of that guy?"

But Kenny was already on it. Leaping forward he tripped the kid from behind and went to swing at his stomach, hoping to incapacitate him. The kid caught his fist, however, and flipped Kenny over his head. The kid then swung at Kenny's head, hitting him square in the face. Blood ran down Kenny's nose as he put his arms up to block the incoming hits. With disgust, Kenny realized that this fifth grader was physically stronger than he was. He would have to win through deception...

Using his legs, Kenny propelled the kid off of him, who landed face up behind him. Both boys struggled to their feet and ran at each other. Raising his left arm, Kenny took a swing at the kid's face.

Eye for an eye, he thought.

The kid went to grab the arm that Kenny presented, but at the last second, Kenny retracted his arm and swung at the kid full force with his right arm.

The blow impacted on the side of the kid's skull, and he hit the pavement. The kid didn't move, except for an occasional sniffle.

"Damn, Kenny! That was a nice move!" Stan yelled.

"Thanks! Well, let's get out of here."

And with that, the trio of superheroes ran off into the night. Stan looked back on the mission. Was it successful, he thought? He had failed in his objective to learn Professor Chaos's plan, but they had learned of the alliances he had formed with the fifth graders, and The Coon. This was valuable intel, so in his eyes, it had been a success.

Ah, well, we'll sort it out when we get back to base.

Well, what do you think? Post comments and let me know what you think, and whether or not I should continue with this.

South Park is the property of Matt Stone, Trey Parker and Comedy Central. I do not own this amazing show, which far surpasses any work of fiction that I may write.
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Re: Coon & Friends vs. Professor Chaos

Postby AwesomeSouthPark » Thu Dec 08, 2011 7:49 pm

It's Awesome! You should continue with more! :shock:
Last edited by Big-Will on Mon Dec 12, 2011 10:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: You don't need to quote the whole thing just to make that comment.
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Re: Coon & Friends vs. Professor Chaos

Postby cynthia325 » Thu Dec 08, 2011 10:00 pm

Loved it! It's great writing and it helps me get through these few months without SP!

Very cool and keep it up!
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Re: Coon & Friends vs. Professor Chaos

Postby Ex1lepr0 » Fri Dec 09, 2011 4:46 pm

All right! I'll keep it going, expect a new chapter soon. I'll get it done ASAP.
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Re: Coon & Friends vs. Professor Chaos

Postby Unassumption » Sat Dec 10, 2011 11:42 pm

I like episodes where the kids are being kids, especially if they're doing something serious as a game or like this fic, taking something silly super cerial. Good continuity with the asthma thing. Any TR reference is a good TR reference. You might have gone over the episodes a bit much, but that's no biggie. Interested to see how this turns out. Stan seems like he has ADD in this lol he keeps getting distracted, I see why people keep telling him to be careful. I lolled at the firecrackers reference. Good to see kenny kicking ass.
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Re: Coon & Friends vs. Professor Chaos

Postby Ex1lepr0 » Mon Dec 12, 2011 8:03 pm

Thanks for the reviews! This one is shorter and a bit more boring, but, it's a plot build-up, so bear with me. This'll get real good.

Chapter One: Preparation

"And that's the end of our report."

Mysterion sat in his chair, pondering deeply. The report from Toolshed and Human Kite was disturbing to say the least. While he had been there when they made their discovery, he felt it was important that the rest of Coon and Friends was aware of the situation as well.

They were in the lair of Coon and Friends, located in Cartman's basement. Cartman had come down and bitched about it, sure, but then Mysterion threatened to lock him back up in the cage if he showed his face down there one more time. They had not seen him since then, and Mysterion's position as leader was secure.

He remained expressionless as he recalled the events of the previous night. Stan and Kyle were the top two members of Coon and Friends, aside from himself, of course, but they had nearly been captured by Professor Chaos' minions. His heart rate increased ever so slightly as he remembered the fight with the fifth graders.

"Mysterion, what do you think of these findings?" Tupperware asked.

"I think it's apparent that Cartman is behind this new alliance. We all know how much of a manipulative assh*le he is, how hard would it be for him to convince a bunch of fifth graders who felt isolated and alone to help him?" Mysterion replied.

"That's true, Mysterion," replied Mosquito in his nasal voice, "but why do you think Cartman is working with Professor Chaos to begin with?"

THAT was the million dollar question. Why was Cartman working with Butters? Honestly, Mysterion could not perceive Cartman's motives, but as the leader, he had to appear as if he had some sense of what the enemy was up to.

"Well, if the past has anything to show, Cartman and Butters have worked together, but in each case, Cartman has wanted something, and he's needed someone to help him achieve it. Butters has always been impressionable, so logically, he's the first choice for someone like Cartman. I think it's safe to say that Cartman is manipulating Professor Chaos to achieve some goal, but, we don't know what that goal is. Therefore, I think our next objective should be to find out what that goal is."

"So, another recon mission?" Toolshed replied.

"Yes. However, I believe we have other important objectives that need to be met as well. For starters, I think we need a way to combat this new threat. Now, I trust all of you implicitly, but I think we'll need help to beat Professor Chaos and The Coon. So, with that in mind, the first mission is to recruit help for Coon and Friends. One team should suffice for this mission."

"That seems like a logical step to me, Mysterion." Human Kite replied. The others murmured in agreement.

"Thank you, Human Kite. Now, the next objective we need done is, as Toolshed pointed out, reconnaissance. We need to find out what The Coon and Professor Chaos are up to. We'll need two teams for the job. One to spy on Cartman, and another for Butters."

Everyone nodded their approval.

"And that leaves us with our final step. Unfortunately, one of you is on graveyard duty tonight."

Everyone let out a groan. Graveyard duty was the least favored of the missions. Since Captain Hindsight had paid a late night visit to their hideout, Coon & Friends had come to the agreement that they needed someone to watch the base while they were out on missions. It was boring, but it had to be done. They couldn't risk the enemy learning of their plans.

"So, who's got it tonight?" Tupperware asked.

"Tonight will be....Iron Maiden!"


"Sounds like a yes. Well, now that that's settled, we can get to the business of deciding the teams. Who volunteers for the recruiting mission?"

Four hands shot up instantly.

"All right, Toolshed and Human Kite got the last recon mission, so I'll let them be in charge of recruiting. That leaves Tupperware and Mosquito in charge of scouting out Butters."

"What are you going to do, Mysterion?" Human Kite asked.

"I'll be scouting Cartman, of course. Unless there are any objections?"

No one answered.

"So, that's the plan for now. Any questions?"

Toolshed raised his hand.

"Yes, Toolshed?"

"Does it matter who we recruit to join our side?"

"Not at all, Toolshed. If they can fight, they can join."

"Got it."

"Any other questions?"

Silence filled the room.

"We're all good? Then let's move out, Coon & Friends!"

Everyone rushed toward the stairs, all with their minds focused on the mission they were given. Everyone except Iron Maiden, that is.


Well, that's the end of the second part. Yes, I know it's a lot more boring, but, please bear with me, this'll improve a lot.
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Re: Coon & Friends vs. Professor Chaos

Postby Ex1lepr0 » Tue Dec 13, 2011 5:06 pm

Chapter Two:Know Your Terrain

"Come on, Mosquito! You're going too slow!" Token yelled.

Tupperware and Mosquito were plodding through the snow, heading towards their objective. They were given the task of spying on Professor Chaos and finding out his plans, since Stan and Kyle had failed on their mission to do the same. Tupperware was in his usual costume, the parts of his suit may have looked silly, but they were very useful in blocking hits and darts from Professor Chaos' minions. Plus, they lent a little extra weight when he punched. Mosquito was also in his usual attire. with his brown cap, long horn that he used for a nose, and pouches of ketchup tied across his chest. The most notable feature at that moment, though, was the flushed face, long gasps, and dull eyes.

"W-well....*huff*...if you would slow down a little....*puff*...I wouldn't be so far behind!" Mosquito replied.

Token grunted. Clyde had been voted the second fattest kid in 3rd grade, and while he had lost a little weight since then, he was still the most out of shape member of Coon & Friends, aside from Timmy, of course. Plus, he was a crybaby. What a winning combination.

"All right, you whiny bitch. I'll slow down our pace a little. All for you."

"Thank you. assh*le.

Token rolled his eyes. This was a great start to their mission. and they hadn't even started it yet. To gather the needed intel on Butters, they had decided to spy on him at home, rather than take the riskier approach of trying to infiltrate the main lair, like Stan and Kyle had done. After that fiasco, security would probably be double that of what it was before. And with Clyde working with him, Token doubted they could run or fight them off for more than a minute.

Why did Mysterion send Clyde with me?

Ideally, the best course of action would have been to send Clyde on the recruiting mission with Stan or Kyle, and send the other one with him to spy. But, as had become their custom, Mysterion always worked alone, Toolshed and Human Kite with each other, and Tupperware...well, with whoever was left. He sure hoped Stan and Kyle succeeded with the recruiting mission, because frankly, he was getting bored of always being stuck with the same people.

Token sometimes felt like they were all tools of Mysterion. And while Kenny was a good guy, Token didn't like being pushed around. He had held his peace long enough, but he planned to tell Kenny what he thought of the team once he got back to the hideout.

He glanced at his watch. Four o' clock P.M. They had plenty of time, the day was young. And since it was Friday, they'd have all weekend to work out their strategies. This was a fun game they played, superheroes against the villains, but he felt with the involvement of Cartman that it was taken more seriously than it should have. And now he was on the opposite side. Cartman had more than deserved to be kicked out of their team, after beating up Mosquito and Mint Berry Crunch, but, it had not been working out for them so far. Cartman wasn't the brightest of kids, but he was a dangerous enemy, nonetheless.

They stopped. Butters' house was in sight. Now, they had to find a way to spy on him....

Token pulled off his plastic glove and got out his iPhone. One advantage to being rich was having the latest gadgets, in this case a 64 gig iPhone. He pulled up Maps, and zoomed in on Butters' house. There appeared to be no trees that they could climb up to peer into Butters' room, like in some cheesy cartoon, but they could probably sneak in through the back and hide in his room. The problem with that plan would be that they'd be going in dark, and would have no way of knowing if there was any security in the house, or if they could even get out in time should things go bad.

"What do you think, Mosquito?"

"Well, I don't think we have much of a choice. But, there is one advantage we have right now. I don't see any cars parked in the driveway, so his parents must not be home. That can lend to our chances of getting in quietly."

Token considered this. They could get in through the back door, sneak upstairs and hide somewhere in Butters' room. It seemed a sensible plan.

"All right, let's do that."

For once, Clyde was showing a little bit of promise. Token hoped it would last.

They got into the backyard easily. There was a fence, sure, but it wasn't too hard to climb over. Plus, they hadn't installed a security system like his family had. Hey, maybe they could move the base there. It would certainly alleviate their fears of Cartman messing in their current hideout, which had happened a few times in the past.

They checked the backdoor. It was locked.

"Great. Now what do we do, Mosquito?"

"Hang on. Sometimes families keep a spare key hidden somewhere near the door in case they get locked out. Why don't we see if Butters' family does the same?"

"Sounds like a plan."

The back patio had an assortment of lawn chairs and various decorations. Searching under all of them would take some time, he thought.

"Well, Mosquito, where should we start looking?"


Mosquito lifted up the doormat, and right there was a key. He put it in the keyhole, turned it, and there was an audible "kerchunk" as the door unlocked.


They stepped inside. They were in the kitchen. It was a big and open room with little to no hiding spots. They had to move on, and fast.

"All right, Mosquito, let's head upstairs." Tupperware whispered.

"Roger that. Let's just hope he doesn't see us."

There did not appear to be any guards in the house, so they relaxed a little. They walked up the stairs and headed toward Butters' room. They had been in here multiple times. Butters was somewhat of an "outsider", but he still invited them over sometimes.

"Wait, do you hear that?" Mosquito asked.

"Hear what?"

"Listen closely."

Token stood still for a moment and heard a couple of sounds all at once. One, the water in the house was running. Two, it sounded like it was coming from the bathroom, which had steam coming out from the door. Lastly, he heard singing.

"Loo, loo, loo. Scrub scrub scrub! Loo, loo, loo. I love to scrub!"

Butters was taking a bath. Could their luck get any better?

"All right. His room is this one, I believe."

They opened the door. A medium sized bed was in the room, along with a bunch of finished and unfinished LEGO projects on the shelves, and on the single table. There were also two posters, one of the Jonas Brothers, and another of the Kardashians, with the words: "I'll never forget you" scribbled on. This was Butters' room all right.

"Ok, so what's a good hiding spot in here, Mosquito?"

"Well, as weird as it sounds, I think the best hiding place is the closet."

So, they were on a spying mission, and would have to spend it trapped in the closet together? But, they had no other option at this point.

"But, wait, when he gets back in here, won't he have to get his Pajamas and possibly his costume from the closet?" Tupperware asked.

They thought for a moment. Then, Mosquito got Butters' pajamas and outfit out of the closet and put them on the bed.

"That's a stupid idea, Mosquito. He'll notice they weren't there and then search his room."

"Honestly, Tupperware, I don't think he'd notice. This is Butters we're talking about. Besides, you want to risk him looking in his closet?"

Token had nothing to say to this. It was a risk, but a risk they'd have to take.

"All right, well, let's get into our hiding place."

They stuffed themselves in. It was uncomfortable, but it would have to do. So far, the mission was going pretty well. He hoped the others were doing just as well on their missions....

End of part two. I appreciate comments and reviews.
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Re: Coon & Friends vs. Professor Chaos

Postby Mamont » Tue Dec 13, 2011 9:35 pm

Tense. Can't wait the next one.
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Re: Coon & Friends vs. Professor Chaos

Postby Ex1lepr0 » Wed Dec 14, 2011 1:26 am

Chapter Three: Sign On The Dotted Line....

"Well, you got any ideas?" Toolshed asked.

Toolshed and Human Kite were sitting upstairs in Stan's room, contemplating methods to get help for Coon & Friends. Human Kite had a pen and a notepad on which to keep their ideas, but they had not come up with a single one yet, and they were on an hour already.

"Well, going out and advertising doesn't seem like a good idea...we would be spotted way too easily, and then who knows what would happen?"

And therein lay the problem. They had to get more people on their side, but at the same time, they couldn't reveal who they in short, they had to do undercover recruiting. Not an easy task. Why did they volunteer for this mission?

In retrospect, the recon mission he and Human Kite had conducted was in essence, a failure. They had learned some important things, but, they had revealed their involvement to the enemy, making them more wary and cautious, and besides that, they had failed to get the needed intel, which was now left up to Tupperware and Mosquito. But more than that, he felt upset with himself, with his condition. His asthma had nearly resulted in them being captured and interrogated. He had a problem, he was willing to admit, but he wasn't willing to accept that he would have it all his life. He would fight it, and one day, he would succeed.

"Well, Stan, remember what Kenny said? That it didn't matter who we got to help us, as long as we got help."

"That's true. But, who would want to help us?"

"Well, Professor Chaos got help from the fifth graders, maybe we should look to other grades for help as well."

"Yeah, but who?"

"I think I know who."


Meanwhile, in another part of town, a mysterious cloaked figure stood surveying on one of the rooftops.

Mysterion preferred working alone for two reasons. One, he liked the silence. Two, he'd gotten used to flying solo before Coon & Friends were even formed. He was on a mission. He had to spy on lardass and find out what the devious devil was up to. He figured that, like himself, Cartman would be out surveying the town, pretending he was a hero.

If such a thing were possible...

Kenny didn't think he'd met anyone as horribly twisted and evil as Cartman. And he'd actually talked to Satan! Satan was actually a pretty nice guy by anyone's standards. But Cartman? He was not capable of even the slightest amount of kindness.

He swooped down from the roof and began walking the streets. He had to stay alert. Cartman was a fatass, but he still managed to be stealthy. How he did it, Kenny had no idea.

His search didn't go on for very long. Cartman was of course, trying to play hero. Only this time his heroism involved stealing candy from a little girl in the park. Such the gentleman, Cartman.

"Stop right there, Coon!"

Cartman stopped and turned slowly to face Mysterion. The little girl ran away to find her mommy.

"Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in." Cartman replied.

"What are you scheming now, Coon?"

"Why, whatever do you mean? I wasn't scheming. I was just confiscating that girl's resources for the greater good."

"Don't play dumb with me. We know about your alliance with Professor Chaos."

"Ah." Cartman turned, hands folded behind his back. "And who is 'We'?"

"You know very damn well, fatass."

"Ai! I am not fat! *ahem* Ah, so my own team is plotting against me now?"

What is he playing at?

"You know we aren't your team. You were kicked out of Coon & Friends."

"Yes, I seem to remember that. But if it's not my team, then why does it have my name?"

"Shut up! What are you plotting?!"

Cartman turned to face him again.

"I have many plans in store for you assh*les. But one in particular for you, Kinny. But, I need Professor Chaos to fulfill those plans. Rest assured, once I am done, this town will be a much better place."

Somehow, I seriously doubt that.

"Enough talk. If I can't get you to reveal your schemes peacefully, I will beat them out of you!"

Kenny dropped into a fighting stance. Cartman just laughed at him.

"Oh, come now Kinny. Do you really think I would come out here alone?"

He made a signal with his hands. Two fifth graders stepped out from behind a nearby tree. Mysterion recognized one of them as the kid with the chain NERF gun he had beaten up the previous night. He had ditched the gun for an airsoft rifle. The other one he did not recognize, but he saw that he was armed with a wooden club and had an airsoft pistol strapped to his leg.

They're getting serious. This could be bad.

"Kinny, this is Tom. I believe you two are familiar. The other one is Mark. You haven't met, but you'll soon be very acquainted."

Mark and Tom nodded one after the other. They both loaded their guns and walked slowly toward Kenny.

And I thought I wouldn't get to kick a little ass today.

"Take care of him you two. I have better things to do than stand here and watch."

And with that, The Coon vanished into the night. Leaving Mysterion to fight two opponents who were bigger, stronger and more well armed than he was. There was only one logical step.

Kenny bolted. Tom and Mark chased after him, but were slowed down by their armaments. Kenny knew that in a straight fight, they would kick his ass. And while he was not afraid of pain or death, he knew that he had to get back to the hideout. But, he could not lead them back to it either....

Changing his strategy, Kenny ducked into a nearby alleyway. Mark and Tom were in hot pursuit.

"I think he went this way!" Mark yelled.

They both cautiously entered the alleyway. They stood side by side, looking every which way, searching for their prey.

"Can you see him?" Tom whispered.

"No I can't, but-"

Mark stopped mid sentence as a shadow crossed his line of sight. Tom must've seen it too, because he turned to face the same direction. There was a crash on their right. They both turned, startled.

"Mark, I think we walked into-"

"A trap?" said a voice from behind.

They both turned around. There was no one there. Then strong hands pulled Mark back. He screamed, vanishing into the darkness of the alley. Then there was a dull thump, and Tom didn't hear him make another noise.

Tom was more scared than he ever was in his life.

"It's just a fourthie. Just a fourthie." He said out loud, as he advanced into the darkness where his friend vanished.

He found Mark on the ground, unconscious. The back of his head bore a rather large egg-shaped bump, and next to him was his club.

Tom didn't need to see more. He turned to run out of the alley, but was stopped by a dark figure, who grabbed his rifle and hit him square center in the face. He fell to the ground, knocked out cold.

All too easy.

End of chapter three.
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Re: Coon & Friends vs. Professor Chaos

Postby GeminiShamrock » Wed Dec 14, 2011 4:10 am

This is great stuff, man. Keep it up! :D
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Re: Coon & Friends vs. Professor Chaos

Postby Ex1lepr0 » Wed Dec 14, 2011 4:38 am

Chapter Five: Reconciliation

"Dammit, Mosquito! Will you move over?"

It was a pointless request, really. They had absolutely no room in the closet. They had been waiting for a half hour, and Butters was still in the bath, singing his stupid tune. It was almost like Butters was somehow taunting them....

"I can't move over anymore! Why don't you move your sorry a-"

He stopped talking as they heard the singing go silent. Then they heard the drain plug being pulled and the sound of water draining. Then the singing resumed as Butters brushed his teeth.

"Loo loo loo. Brush my teeth. Loo loo loo. Make them nice and clean. Loo loo loo..."

They both grunted silently. This was really getting on Token's nerves, and he suspected Clyde was getting annoyed too. It might as well have been nails on a chalkboard for them at this point.

"Mosquito, why don't we just beat him up and get the intel from him by force? He's got no one to help him, and there's two of us."

"That might not be a good idea. For all we know, he could have called a meeting with his minions. What if they step into the room while an interrogation is going on? We'd get our asses kicked. No, we need to stay stealthy."

"Well, we could always knock him out and take him back to our hideout."

"Now there's an idea. Hmm.....I really don't see a problem with that plan. But, let's let him get dressed first. If he freezes out there, his parents will be pissed."

"All right, we'll at least let him do that."

The sound of singing stopped at that very moment. Then, they heard a door open, and footsteps crossing the hall. Then the bedroom door opened, and Butters stepped in. He had a towel wrapped around his waist, and his blonde hair hung flat against his head, still wet. He turned to survey his bed, and was surprised to see both his pajamas and costume laid out on it.

"Huh. I guess someone must be looking out for me today."

He proceeded to get into his Professor Chaos costume. As he did so he hummed a little tune that Tupperware and Mosquito did not recognize. Butters pulled on his silver tin foil helmet and gauntlets, looking slightly more intimidating in his new attire. To Token and Clyde, though, this was their opportunity.

Slowly, they opened the closet door and walked cautiously towards him, careful not to make a sound. Tupperware made a motion at Mosquito. Mosquito nodded in reply, and slowly moved in.

In one quick motion, Mosquito grabbed Butters from behind, holding a hand over his mouth to muffle his yell. Tupperware walked up to Butters and looked him straight in the eye.

"Sorry, Chaos, but you're coming with us."

He grabbed Butters by the right arm, Mosquito on the left. They kept him muffled as they took him out the door, and down the stairs. Butters was kicking and flailing like a trapped fish, but they did not let go. Butters was not the strongest of kids, physically or mentally.

"Should we go through the back door, Mosquito?"

"I think it'd be a good idea. We don't want to attract unwanted attention."

They walked back through the kitchen, opened the back door and then closed it behind them. Then they glanced out at the backyard.

"Oh sh*t...." Token murmured...


Stan and Kyle, in their normal attire, were hiking through the woods at that moment, with one destination in mind. They knew who to ask for help. They had helped them before, and could easily be persuaded to help them again. And if they succeeded, the odds would be tipped in their favor.

"Do you really think this'll work, Kyle?" Stan asked.

"Probably. But, if we fail, we're doomed anyway."

They arrived at their destination. They were in a large clearing with no trees for several feet. And in the center of that clearing was a large dirt half-pipe. And in that half-pipe, riding on bicycles was a group of slightly larger children, making jumps on the pipe and talking sh*t to each other.

The Sixth Graders.

Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny had enlisted their help once before. That was when Trent Boyette got out of Juvenile Hall and had sought revenge. Sure, the sixth graders had all gotten their asses kicked, but they weren't fighting some hardened kid who had spent most of his life in prison. They would be fighting kids younger than them, and it would be a breeze.

Of course, the sixth graders weren't all good news. They had chased after them when they'd gained possession of an evil copy of The Lord Of The Rings. Why they had sought it so hard, they did not know, but they knew the sixth graders were not on their side. Fortunately, Kyle had brought a secret weapon to get their loyalty.

"You ready?" Stan asked.

Kyle took a deep breath.

"Yeah, I'm ready."

Slowly, they advanced toward the sixth graders.

The sixth graders were quick to notice their presence.

"Fourthies!" Their leader called out. He was looking ugly as always.

All the sixth graders gathered around them, completely enclosing them in a circle of chains, wheels and rust. Stan tried his best to keep his fear from showing, but, he felt he was not completely successful. He glanced at Kyle. He appeared completely calm and composed. Seeing him helped alleviate Stan's nerves a little.

"What do you fourthies want? You know you're not welcome here!"

"Yes, we know. We came to ask for your help."

"Ha! Like we'd help you again! Remember what happened last time we helped these fourthies, guys?"

A detectable shiver ran through the group of sixth graders assembled. One even cringed a little.

"Why would we help you after what happened last time?"

Stan looked at Kyle. He saw that Kyle was deep in thought, and he knew that whatever Kyle said next would determine their fate.

"Because, this time, we will be asking you to do something extremely easy and simple. Too tough for fourth graders, but a breeze for strong, smart sixth graders like you."

A murmur of approval ran through the audience. The leader silenced them.

"A pretty speech, but it will take more than flattery to get us to help you! What do you want, anyway?"

"Oh, do not think that we would ask you to work with us for free. And all we ask is that you beat up a bunch of fifth graders who have chosen to walk the path of evil."

The leader turned to face the sixth grader next to them. A few words were exchanged and the leader nodded.

"That does sound easy. But, why would we bother helping you fourthies?"

"Because we have this." Kyle pulled out a dvd. "This, my friends, is a triple x rated porno starring Megan Fox. Extremely rare and valuable, and guaranteed to satisfy any man."

In actuality, Kyle had taken some old footage of Cartman and Butters, and using photoshop, pasted the faces of Megan Fox on Butters and some random guy on Cartman. Given what they had done last time to get their loyalty, he was pretty sure this would work.

"Whoa! Let me see that!"

"First, you have to promise that you'll help us in our fight."

"Nuh uh, no way. Here's what's going to happen. We're going to take that dvd, go find a place to watch it, and if we're satisfied, we'll help you fourthies. Deal?"

Kyle handed the dvd over.


"All right! Sixth graders! To a dvd player!"

And with that, they all rushed off on their bikes.

Stan let out a long sigh. He realized he'd been holding his breath. Kyle appeared similarly relieved.

"That was well done, Kyle. Maybe you should become a lawyer like your dad."

"Thanks, man. But, I don't think the jury would be as stupid as those guys are."

Stan nodded. They certainly were thick...and addicted to porn.

"Well, why don't we head on back to the hideout?"

"Sounds good to me. I'm sure Kenny will be pleased with our results."

They headed back towards the woods. But before they could, they looked up and saw someone standing on top of the half-pipe.

It was Cartman.

End of Chapter Five.
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Re: Coon & Friends vs. Professor Chaos

Postby cynthia325 » Wed Dec 14, 2011 5:44 pm

This is fantastic! Keep it up for sure!

PS loved Butters singing... soooo cute! :mrgreen:
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Re: Coon & Friends vs. Professor Chaos

Postby Ex1lepr0 » Wed Dec 14, 2011 10:14 pm

Chapter 6: It's Complicated....

Token noticed three things all at once.

One, he was on the back porch of Butters' house, and he found he was frozen in place.

Two, he could see a crowd of about forty children staring at him and Mosquito, with Professor Chaos between them.

Three, most of those children had NERF guns or airsoft rifles, and they were being pointed directly at them.

This looks bad....

"Um, Tupperware?"

"Yeah, Mosquito?"

"I think we're f*cked."

No sh*t, Sherlock.

One of the children stepped forward. He was a fifth grader, and he had an airsoft rifle raised to the firing position.

"Release Professor Chaos immediately. Failure to comply would be...unwise."

Why were all of Chaos' minions gathered here at once? Mosquito's guess that they would be having a meeting tonight was the only logical conclusion he could come to. Chaos must have been planning something, because it looked like half his army was there. He glanced at Butters. Token guessed that the only reason that the minions hadn't opened up on them was because of the possibility of hitting their leader. But if that were the case....

"Mosquito, follow my lead."

Token turned to address the crowd.

"Listen up and listen good. We have your leader, and you're going to let us out of here. If you don't, we will hurt him."

Token shuffled to the right. Mosquito followed suit. They were inching slowly toward the fence. The mob of minions inched slowly toward them with each step they took, but they did not open fire. Token's gamble seemed to be working so far.

"Listen, Mosquito. When we get to the fence, drop Butters and scramble up the fence. We'll probably have less than five seconds."

"Got it."

They reached the fence. They both released their grip and scrambled up the fence. They were halfway up when they heard a volley of darts and bb's being fired at them.

Man, I feel like a Mexican....

The first volley was a clean miss. The shooters advanced closer, reloaded and fired a second volley. The shots bounced off of Token's armor, but he still stopped when he heard a scream, followed by a soft thump. He looked down. Mosquito had been hit, and he had fallen down and was on the ground, clutching his side and screaming.

"Clyde! Nooooo!!!!" Token yelled.

The mob advanced up to Mosquito and picked up his limp form. Token thought he saw a few tears running down Clyde's face.

What should I do?

Clyde answered his question.

"Get out of here! There's too many!"

Token was conflicted. He didn't want to leave a friend behind, but at the same time, it would do no good to have them both captured.

"I said get out of here, Token!"

And with that, Token resumed climbing the fence and landed on the other side. He bolted toward the hideout at top speed. Internally, he felt disgusted with himself. How could he have left Clyde behind? He briefly considered going back to help him, but shoved it aside. He couldn't help Clyde now, and it would do the team no good. No, he had to get back to the hideout. There, they could come up with a plan. He just had to get back....


Cartman was in his Coon outfit, standing on top of the dirt half-pipe. Stan looked at him with a mixture of suspicion and mistrust. He glanced at Kyle. Kyle clearly was not happy to see Cartman. His cheeks were bright red and he had a look of disgust on his face. Cartman seemed to share the same look, but Stan couldn't tell for sure.

"Well, what do we have here? A wannabe hero and his Jew sidekick?"

"Shut up, fatass. Why are you here?"

Cartman paused a moment before answering.

"Well, I had the same idea as you guys, but it seems you've beaten me to the punch, so to speak. But, if I can't have the sixth graders, I'll just have to take you two."

"And how exactly do you plan on that, Cartman? You know we can kick your ass!" Stan replied.

"Oh, I know you two are stronger than me. In body, at least."

What does he mean by that?

Stan surveyed his surroundings carefully. He glanced up the half-pipe, looking in the trees, anywhere. For what, he did not know, but what he did know was that Cartman was scheming something.

Then, out of the corner of his eye, Stan thought he saw something flash.

"Kyle, get down!" Stan yelled as he tackled Kyle to the ground.

Just in time, for as they fell, he heard two thumps as a pair of bb's impacted the dirt behind them.

"We're in a death trap, Kyle. RUN!"

They wasted no time as they scrambled up the half-pipe, heading for the safety of the woods. More shots went flying past them, but thankfully, the snipers weren't very accurate. They safely reached the woods and glanced back. Three fifth graders were running towards them, airsoft rifles in hand and two more climbing down from the treetops.

"What do we do, Kyle?"

"Well, Stan, we're being pursued by five opponents, all of whom are stronger, faster, and more well armed than we are. What do you think we should do?"

"Evasion, then?"


Stan nodded toward a fallen log. Kyle nodded in response. They both dashed towards it and took cover behind it.

"Hey, Stan, look here."

Kyle picked up a medium sized stone stuck underneath the log.

"Be careful with it. We don't want their moms pissed at us."

"They were shooting at us with airsoft rifles, Stan."

"True, true."

They waited behind the log for five minutes, then moved on, hopping from cover to cover, always alert for danger.

"Stan, I think it might be a good idea if we split up. If we get caught in a fight, it still won't do us much good, even if there are two of us. Rendezvous at the hideout in thirty minutes?"

Stan nodded in response.

"All, right, good luck, dude." And Kyle dashed off. Stan looked after him as he went.

"Good luck to you too, bud."

Stan hurried on. It took him a good half hour to get through the woods. He did not see any opponents until he got to the edge of the woods. Two of them were waiting there, guarding the exit. Both of them were poorly concealed in a laying down position. He glanced to his left and to his right. He did not see Kyle in either direction.

He must've already gotten out.

That, or he'd been captured. But Stan didn't want to consider that possibility. Instead he focused on the problem at hand. He'd have to somehow circumvent those two fifth graders. He looked up at the trees. There didn't appear to be any hidden up there, as far as he could make out. That would be advantageous to him. He saw a fairly clear path that he could go through, but he still had to be careful. There were plenty of things in the woods that could make noise.

Slowly and cautiously, he began creeping toward the edge of the woods. He went on his belly, crawling as quietly as he could. At the same time, he kept his eyes both on the fifth graders and on the path in front of him, careful to avoid sticks and leaves, or anything else that would make noise.

"So, yeah, dude, that's what's going on right now."

Stan stopped as he heard the fifth graders talking to each other.

" the boss' sidekick took a couple of our guys over to their base?"

"That's what I've heard, Jeff. They're going to take out those f*ckers hideout and send them a good message."

Stan's blood froze. General Dissaray was attacking HQ? This was bad. If Kyle was already there....

Stan resumed his advance toward the exit, faster than before.

"Then tonight, we're all gathering together at the community center, right, John?"

"That's right. Boss has something planned. What it is, I have no idea."

Stan reached the edge of the woods. He got up, but still crouched to avoid detection. He moved away from the woods, steadily gaining speed, until he was running full speed back to Cartman's. He had to get back, before...


Mysterion was close to home. At 8 P.M., the team always returned back to base to meet and discuss how their respective missions went. He was on the right street, only two houses away. He was moving at a brisk pace, no tension at all after his encounter with Tom and Mark.

No need to rush. I'm twenty minutes early, anyway.

He reached Cartman's domain. Walking up the steps, he rang the doorbell. Mrs. Cartman answered the door.

"Oh, hello there Kenny."

"Hi, Mrs. Cartman."

"Would you like a cookie, Mysterion? I just finished baking them."

"I would love one, Mrs. Cartman. Thank you."

Mrs. Cartman gave him the cookie. Double chocolate chip. Mmm....a good way to end the evening.

"So, young hero, how did the mission go?"

"It went very well, thank you."

"Oh, by the way, a few of the boys dropped by earlier. They said they were your friends, and they wanted to get down into the hideout."

"Well, did they?"

"Yes, they did. They seemed to know a lot about it, so I guessed they must've been friends of yours."

Kenny froze.

"If you don't mind, Mrs. Cartman, I'd like to investigate down there."

"Oh, no problem at all. Oh, and there's plenty more cookies if you want any."

"Thank you."

His outer appearance betrayed his inner panic as he ran down the stairs and arrived at the hideout. His mouth dropped and hung low.

The hideout was totaled. Everything was destroyed or flipped, even the giant table in the middle. And Timmy was nowhere to be seen.

End of Chapter 6.
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Re: Coon & Friends vs. Professor Chaos

Postby Ex1lepr0 » Fri Dec 16, 2011 6:51 pm

Chapter 7: To Absent Friends

Stan Marsh sat in a chair in the livingroom of Cartman's abode. Downstairs in the basement, the base had been totaled. He had arrived too late to warn everyone of the impending danger, and now because of his failure, the base was totaled, and half the team was gone. Stan had arrived third, Kenny getting there first, and Token close behind him. Kenny showed both of them a note, written by the attackers. It simply said:

We have as our hostage the invincible Iron Maiden. As you can see, not even he could stop our assault. Soon, very soon, this pathetic town will belong to the forces of Chaos, and soon, the entire world will kneel to us! Signed, General Dissaray, second to the great Professor Chaos.

So, Timmy was gone now. And Token filled them in on his and Clyde's mission, and about the unfortunate capture of Mosquito. In addition, since Kyle did not report to the base in the agreed time, Stan had to assume he'd been captured. So, Coon & Friends was down three men, and without a base. They'd probably have to clean this mess up too, once Mrs. Cartman found the gigantic mess downstairs. What a great day he was having.

"Stan? Stan?!"

Stan jolted back into reality.

"What is it, Kenny?"

"You ok, Stan?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, Kenny."

"All right. Well, this is a tough situation. We need to come up with a plan, and fast."

Stan and Token nodded in agreement.

"Well, Kenny, you got any ideas?" Token asked.

"Well, obviously we need to get our friends back. But, we'll need to find out where they are first. I think the most logical place would be at their base."

"Wait, Kenny. I think I know where they are. I forgot to mention this before, but I remembered the fifth graders I eavesdropped were talking about a meeting at the Community Center tonight. I'll bet that's where they took Timmy, Kyle and Clyde."

Kenny nodded.

"So, we need to plan an attack on the community center. We'll be going up against a force of superior enemies with better weaponry and in a tactically advantageous location." Tupperware said.

"Well, guys, I think we need to prepare carefully for this. Stan, you don't have your costume or any tools with you. Therefore, I think we should all take 45 minutes to prepare for this operation. When you're ready, meet up at Token's house."

"Ok." Stan and Token said in unison.

"Move out!"


Stan arrived at his house in less than 5 minutes. It wasn't that far a walk from his house to Cartman's. He nibbled on a cookie. Mrs. Cartman had of course insisted on them taking one each before they left. How could he refuse? Even if he'd eaten three already.

Walking up the steps, he opened the door and stepped inside. His Mom was there, bringing some clothes she had washed upstairs. She noticed Stan and a smile appeared on her face.

"Hi, sweetie. All done playing with your friends?"

"Not, quite, Mom. I need to get my costume."

"Oh. Well, it's 6:30, Stanley, and I think you should stay for dinner."

"But, Mom, most of our team has been captured by Professor Chaos! We need to rescue them!"

"Stanley, what have we told you about talking back to us?"

Christ, this could not get any worse.

"All right, Mom. I'll tell Kenny."

Stan took out his cell phone and texted Kenny. Sorry, man, but I gotta stay for dinner. I'll be a little late.

"That's very mature of you, Stanley."

"What are we having for dinner, Mom?"

"Meatloaf and veggies."

His earlier irritation vanished instantly. He loooooved his mom's meatloaf.

"Sounds good, Mom! When will it be ready?"

"Another 20 minutes."

20 minutes? How could he wait that long? He'd just have to watch T.V. until then. He went to turn it on.

"Stanley, if you have to wait for dinner, why don't you do your homework?"

"It's ok, Mom. Mr. Garrison didn't assign any this weekend."

"Well, that was nice of him."

"Yeah it was!"

And it's not what he usually does, either. Maybe he's having personal problems again....

His cell phone rang. He unlocked it and checked the text message. It was from Kenny.

Yeah, man, I have to stay for dinner too. So does Token. Guess we'll have to deal with family first. lol

Stan laughed. Yeah, sometimes family could be your worst enemy. But, most of the time, they were good to him, even if his mom and dad seemed on the brink of relational failure.

Ok, man. What are you having? Pop tarts and cereal as always?

Stan locked his phone, and turned the tely on. Oh, geez, it was on the Food Network. His dad must have been watching it again. Hopefully, he wouldn't go through another chef phase.


He flipped through the channels, trying to keep memories of Chef subdued. He missed Chef, as everyone did, but he'd have to move on, as everyone else had.

History Channel? Ah, what the hell. At least it's entertaining. What was this show? Another stupid documentary on Aliens? Ancient Aliens? Man, if Kyle were here.....


Kenny was also sitting on his couch at home, watching the tely. He'd changed into his usual orange parka, with his hood up. His phone rang. He flipped it open. Yep, he had a flip phone. A dinosaur amongst androids, as it were. He got a text from Stan. He was asking if he had Pop Tarts and Cereal as usual. He sent a response.

No, actually. Tonight we get to have frozen waffles, but they'll be toasted! ^^

Stan didn't know what it was like. To live in poverty. To always be worrying if his parents will be arrested for "Domestic Disturbance" or if he and his brother and sister would be taken to foster care. Again. Why didn't he leave all this sh*t behind, he wondered time and again.

Because of Karen.

He could never abandon her and leave her to deal with this alone. He cared for his little sister dearly, and always wanted to be there to help her. Mysterion had many uses, but one of them was being Karen's "Guardian Angel". As long as he could, he would protect Karen from all this bullsh*t.

"Kenny! The waffles are ready!"

"Woo-hoo!" Kenny screamed in his muffled voice.


"All right, Mom, I'm going back out!" Stan yelled.

"Ok, Stanley. Have fun!"

Stan dashed up the stairs to his room. He'd lost enough time already. Going into his closet, he found his costume and changed into it. Going back down the stairs and out to the garage, Stan retrieved his (dad's) assortment of power tools. He strapped the belt on, checking to make sure all his required items were present, put on the yellow goggles he wore, and lastly, retrieved his trusty drill from the wall. He revved it a few times, making sure the battery was sufficiently charged.

Let's roll.

He opened the garage door and set out in the direction of Token's house.


His family was otherwise preoccupied. Now was his chance. Slipping silently into his room, Kenny removed his parka and changed into his costume. He slowly pulled the cowl over his head and put the mask on.

He stealthily stepped out into the hallway. His mom and dad were, as usual, fighting with each other over some stupid sh*t in the living room. They would never notice him. He got to the window and suddenly felt like someone was watching him. He turned around.

Karen was staring at him, with a look of both confusion and relief on her face.

"Where are you going?" she asked in that adorable voice of hers.

"I have important business tonight, Karen. I'll be back later."

And with that, Mysterion leaped out the window and into the night.

End of Chapter 7.
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Re: Coon & Friends vs. Professor Chaos

Postby Ex1lepr0 » Sat Dec 17, 2011 5:29 am

Chapter 8: In other news

Kyle slowly opened his eyes. He had a rather nasty headache and his vision was slightly blurred. He tried to remember what happened.

Let's see....Stan and I were in the woods...we got the help of the sixth graders, and then Cartman ambushed us...

Kyle jolted awake. He was in a dimly lit room, with no windows, and only a small lamp for light. He remembered now. He was in the edge of the woods, and two of the fifth graders had caught him, hit him with something hard and knocked him unconscious. He slowly got to his feet.

"Hey, you're awake."

Kyle turned to face the owner of the voice. It was Clyde. He was wearing his Mosquito outfit, and he looked pretty banged up too.

"Clyde? Where are we?"

"I don't know where. But, we've been captured by Professor Chaos' minions. I'd imagine we're somewhere in his lair."

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine. I think I should be asking you that question, Kyle. That bump looks nasty."

"Is anyone else here?"

"Yeah. Timmy."


"Hello to you too, Timmy." Kyle replied.

"Well, what do we do now?" Clyde asked.

That was a good question. What should they do? Well, in situations like this, it was commonly known to stay put and wait for rescue. The problem was, the only other people who could help them were Stan, Kenny, and Token. And who was to say that they hadn't been captured too, and were being held somewhere else? No, the most logical option was to try and escape. But how would they do it?

"Well, guys, I think we should try and break out of here."

"How are we going to do that?" Clyde asked.

Kyle thought for a moment. They had no idea where they were, or the size of the enemy forces. Hell, they could barely make out the room they were in. It almost looked like a spare room or an oversized closet. There was a door in the corner, why not try the obvious first?

Kyle tried to open the door, but it was securely locked. Then a voice spoke from the other side.

"Hey, quiet in there! You're not getting out, so don't even try!"

Hmm....there were guards outside the door, too. Even tougher to get ou-

Wait. Maybe the guards were the ticket out of here. A plan quickly formulated in his brain. Kyle smiled. It was a bit cliche and far-fetched, but, it might be their only way out.

"All right, guys. Here's what we're going to do...."


Stan Marsh walked down the sidewalk. He was in the richer part of town now, but Token's house was still a block away. On the way, he thought of ways in which he could rescue his friends. One plan led to the next, none seemed plausible. They were going up against a much larger and stronger opponent on their own turf. It would be a challenge, but Stan knew failure was not an option.

He arrived at Token's. He walked up the large staircase to the front door. He knocked three times and waited. Token's mom answered the door.

"Oh, hi, Stanley. Token and Kenny are in the backyard."

He beat me here.

"Ok. Thank you, Mrs. Black."

"Oh, no problem, sweetie. You can come over any time you want, even if your Dad's a racist."

Oh Christ, that game show incident is still following him? Dad, you dumbass....

Stan walked through the living room and the kitchen, and stepped into the backyard. Token and Kenny were already there in their costumes.

"You're late." Mysterion said.

Stan just gave him a dirty look.

"All right, now that we're here, we can discuss our next course of action." Tupperware stated flatly.

"All right. So, any ideas?" Mysterion asked.

"Well, I had a bunch on the way here, but none seem possible." Stan said.

There was a brief pause.

Mysterion spoke first: "Well, let's review what we know. They'll be at the Community Center, and somewhere in there, we'll find our missing friends. We don't know how many enemies will be there, but we know that we will be outnumbered and outgunned."

"So what do you suggest?" Stan asked.

"Let's go to the Community Center. We'll know what to do better if we see what we're up against." Mysterion said.

"All right, sounds like a plan." Token replied.

"Let's go."

And with that, the three superheroes set off to save their absent friends.


"Kyle, there is no way this will work." Clyde said.

Kyle had spent the last 15 minutes explaining his plan to Clyde and Timmy. It was a bit simple, but sometimes, simple was best. As long as all the factors he was counting on fell into place, it should work no problem. The trick was convincing Timmy and Clyde that it would work.

"Just trust me, dude. Stay calm, play your part, and this should work out just fine." Kyle replied.

" *sigh* Fine."


Stan, Kenny and Token had arrived at the Community Center. They were crouching behind a pair of bushes close to the entrance. Guarding the entrance were only two guards. One was a fifth grader with an airsoft rifle, and the other a third grader with a NERF pistol and toy knife. This would be easier than they thought.

"Well, Mysterion, you want to make the first move?"

Mysterion pointed to himself and Token, then to the fifth grader. Then he signaled Toolshed to go after the third grader. Stan nodded.

Together, the three heroes crept slowly and quietly up to the pair of guards. With one clean motion, Stan grabbed the third grader from behind, holding his hand over the kids mouth to muffle him. He knocked the kid on the head as hard as he could, knocking the kid unconscious. He glanced at Mysterion and Tupperware. They had dispatched the fifth grader in a similar manner.

Stan nodded at the door. Mysterion nodded in response. Tupperware got the message and took a position next to the door, Toolshed right next to him. Mysterion got right in front of the door and held onto the handles. He held up a gloved hand.

Three fingers were up...

Mysterion kicked the door open.

End of Chapter 8
Can't we all just get along?

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