The best day of any run is when we get something for free.
Kurt, Matt and Trey’s assistant, will occasionally clean out Matt and Trey’s offices collecting boxes full of Cds, DVDs, Video Games, books, etc… He walks up to the PA’s office, a smiling 100 lb. Santa Claus and caringly looks into our sweet doe eyes saying “This is yours now, share…. I love you all.” With a wink of his eye and twitch of his nose he disappears having done his good deed for the day.
We the PAs take this stuff into a backroom: A “Lord of the Flies” style feeding frenzy ensues as we tear through the boxes. Elbows are thrown, friendships are lost. Mike the new PA…. well fuck that guy, South Park insurance will pay for his finger! I really don’t care, Mike, I’ve got those Slayer Cds and all the Xbox 360 games I can handle SON! STOP CRYING!
So, loyal reader, you’re probably sitting at home, drinking Mountain Dew CODE RED with that Costco case of Slim Jims saying to yourself “What makes this round of free stuff so sweet?” It’s happened TWICE this run and no one got killed with a large rock( 2nd reference to Lord of the Files – the only book in high school that I didn’t use Cliff Notes for. I’m trying to impress all the ladies reading this with my brain…. My Huge Brain). The PAs are all idiot millionaires now, rich with stuff Matt and Trey don’t want anymore. Don’t be jealous… Matt and Trey just love us unconditionally, give us free stuff and continually make us laugh with their edgy CNN approved humor. Yeah, CNN loves The Park, (I can call it the “The Park” because I work here and feel a need to be “with it”).
This week’s episode is unstoppable. As a PA I get to be the eyes and ears of the office. Today I overheard a 10 minute conversation about an eight year old’s penis and how, with this placement, it should be ok to air. I bet Brad, my accountant friend in Syracuse, can’t say that. Carry the two asshole and enjoy living in the house you just bought. I have free Xbox games and cool stories about eight year olds’ penises. So what if you have financial stability and a career that doesn’t involve getting Chinese food once a day? I rule!
PS – I just got the Xbox 360. If you want to play Burnout Revenge or Gears of War online send an email to Piraterobotmonkeymidget@yahoo.com with your gamer tag. Are you cool enough to handle playing with someone from The Park?