I WAS 3RD UNIT SPECIAL EFFECTS COORDINATOR ON THE “MAKING OF CON-AIR.”
Contrary to popular belief, being a PA doesn’t always get you in to all the elite Hollywood circles. This being said, as part of our job we are often called upon to meet with certain people for the transmittance of sensitive information. You know, like making out with someone just so you can pass the microfiche that is hidden in the cap of your tooth. What, you didn’t get that Aeon Flux reference?
Basically, we have to deliver super secret Matt and Trey stuff to and from high-powered lawyers, executives, accountants and agents all over town. And getting past heavily guarded doors in Beverly Hills when you pull up in a purple Sentra isn’t the easiest of tasks. So what do all the best P.A.’s know that you don’t? We know how to scam the system.
In a town where many feign importance, we use the advantage of knowing we’re not cool to our advantage. We may be grungy, but our goal is as clear as day.
Let’s take last week for example. I had to get some documents to a high-profile person in Century City. Parking in their lot is out of the question seeing that you need another car just to get to and from your own. In addition, the building in which they reside has a valet stand that won’t help you unless you wear Armani and drive a Porsche, and their security staff would ask their own parents for ID. They can smell a PA coming to make a delivery from a mile away, so playing by the rules here will cost you an hour and a half round trip and your valuable lunch time.
Thanks to the other PA’s at South Park I was forewarned on this matter. They taught me to pose as who or whatever is needed. One day we’re doctors, another we’re the Ambassador to Ecuador. (Hell, that’s how Rob and Mike ended up here. They got a one-way ticket out of Africa by pretending to be Malawian children. Now they have really rich parents and a job at South Park.)
When I got to the building, I pulled up and pretended to be hot shit in my economy car. I already had the hipster film geek glasses on, so all that was needed was a Bluetooth headset, a black t-shirt, and an accounting folder. I gave the valet a nod as I pretended I was there to pitch my ‘Juno meets Lord of the Rings’ movie and voila!, five minutes later, I had passed security, delivered the documents, and was back telling the now suspicious valet that my agent’s assistant got the times mixed up. Mission accomplished. It sounds a lot easier than it was, but so does SEAL Hell Week.
This week we want you to share your stories about sneaking in places when you shouldn’t have been there. Concerts, proms, aircraft carriers, you get the picture.
By the way, congrats to readers verdow, mtait, skrewballx, and superkidwax. The glove pictured in the last post was used by the rotoscopers to prevent smudging on their Cintiqs. You won nothing. Welcome to the club of not being cool.
So I told the receptionist, ‘umm, yeah, I have stuff on imdb, Jerry knows who I am.’