Mr. Hankey...

(loud sniffle)

Fourteen years ago did youor did you not say

'Everyone in South Park is a god damn douche bag'?

Yes.

That was a bad attemptat a Christmas joke.

But there's nothing in thatstatement about Christmas.

That's what I said,it was a bad attempt.

What part of the statement wasactually-

You wanna hear agood Christmas joke?

In two thousand and fiveyou said that-

(loud sniffle)

You said that youhad no recollection-

(loud sniffle)

Sorry, I got the sniffles.

♪♪

[ Gunshots, screaming ]

[ Alarm rings ]

[ Sirens wailing ]

[ Gunshots, screaming continue ]

Mayor: People, it's timewe faced some hard truths.

The town is looking to usfor answers,

and all we keep doingis burying our heads.

We need to cut the budget forthis year's Christmas pageant.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

My God.

I've asked the directorof the holiday show to stop by

so we can allgive him the news.

He's not goingto take this well.

If he doesn't,we should just let him go.

God knowsit's about time.

Hey, a lot of peoplelike him, all right?

Yeah, and lot of peoplethink he stinks.

Let's justget this over with.

All right, send him in.

[ Door opens ]

Howwwwdy ho!

You wanted to see me?

Better hurry.

We only have two monthsbefore Christmas!

Mr. Hankey, we called you into let you know that

your Christmas-pageant fundinghas been cut.

By half.

What?

But I can barely make a goodChristmas show with what I have!

We just don't have the supportfor the Christmas show

that we used to.

The truth is,some people find you offensive.

Offensive?What about me is offensive?

Some people thinkthat shit

isn't the best representationof Christmas.

You -- You peoplecan't do this.

Christmas is the most magicaltime of the year.

The decision hasalready been made.

Thank you, Mr. Hankey,and good luck with the show.

[ Bad versionof "Deck the Halls" playing ]

♪♪

[ Baton tapping ]

Okay, stop.

Kids, the song's called"Deck the Halls,"

not "Let's All Suck Balls."

Now, come on, kids.

Why do we haveto do this now?

Yeah, It's not evenHalloween yet.

Restoration Hardware put uptheir Christmas decorations

two weeks ago, all right?!

Now, listen,I didn't want this, either.

I wanted the Denver Symphony.

But they cut my budget,and I'm stuck with you.

Now, let's take itfrom the top!

[ Baton tapping ]

[ Sighs ]

Vice Principal Strong Woman?

Yes, PC Principal?

I was seeingif there's anything

you might wantto discuss with me.

What would weneed to discuss?

I am so sorry that I tookadvantage of my position

and manipulated youinto a physical encounter.

Hey, I am a strong woman,all right?

I don't get manipulated.

We both are guilty

of an ill-advised relationshipat the workplace,

but that was long ago,

and I have decidedto move forward.

Are you surewe can move forward?

Why not? We make a mistake,we move forward.

I was just thinkingthere might still possiblybe some fallout from --

Nope. We're justgonna forget about it

and put it to rest.

You don't thinkthere's anything else

to dis-- to discuss?

No, I don't.Bye-bye.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Dude. Kyle.Dude.

Dude.What?

Did you read what Mr. Hankeytweeted last night?

What Mr. Hankey tweeted?

Yeah, I guessafter band rehearsals,

he went on Twitterto talk about us.

Look.

Oh.Jesus Christ, dude.

[ Sewing machine clicking ]

♪ Santa Claus is on his way

♪ He's loaded goodieson his sleigh ♪

♪ He'll drop 'em offon Christmas Day ♪

Mr. Hankey?

Oh, Kyle!

Howwwwwdy ho!

Mr. Hankey,everyone's really mad at you.

Were you on Twitterlast night?

Yeeeahhhh.

Did you tweet,"The kids of South Park

are retarded homoswho can't play music"?

Eeeeeyeeaaahhhhh.

Why would you tweet that?!

All the kidsare really pissed off!

It was a bad attempt at a joke.I'm sorry.

Will you please tell the kidsI didn't mean it?

What do you want me to say?

The fact is,I couldn't sleep last night,

so I took some Ambien.

You ever take that stuff?

It turns your brainsinto oatmeal.

Please, Kyle, tell the kidsI didn't mean any harm.

We've gotta focuson Christmas!

The vice principal has askedto speak with you today.

She believes it is timethat we all as a school

finally discussedin vitro fertilization.

That's right, kids.

Many women today makethe choice to have children

without a manin their lives.

They can havetheir eggs fertilized

by an unknown person's spermin a lab.

That's right,Strong Woman.

In today's society,it is wrong to just assume

that a pregnant womanhad intercourse with a man.

[ Groans ]

St-Students at this schoolneed to be careful,

becauseit can be offensive

to asks questions like"Who's the father?"

[ Groans ]

You -- You all right,Strong Woman?

I'm fine.

So -- So, we'd liketo have all our students

talk to their parentstonight

about in vitro fertilization,and after that,

let's just putthe whole issue behind us.

[ Gurgle, gush ]

That's my water breaking.

Not a big deal.

[ Gurgle, gush ]

♪ Christmas time

♪ It's Christmas time

♪ Christmas time

♪ Yeah, Christmas time

Hankey!

We need to talkabout what you tweeted!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I took Ambientwo nights ago,

and I called the schoolkidshomos.

No, I'm talking aboutwhat you tweeted last night.

"The city council members

are a bunch ofpussy-licking Islamists."

Oh. Oh, geez.Did I say that?

Listen, if you're tiredand you can't sleep,

do not take Ambien.

Okay?Whew!

I'm afraid we have no otheroption but to fire you

as executive planning managerof the city council.

Fire me?

No, no, no, please.I'm really sorry.

No, wait!Wait!

Please give meanother chance.

Don't do this!What about Christmas?

Just keep breathing.

[ Breathing heavily ]I didn't need your help.

I'm just a co-worker helpinganother co-worker in need.

Yeah, well, peoplemight get the wrong idea!

I have workedmy whole life

to be the strongest womanpossible --

a person little girlscould look up to.

If those girls thoughtthat I was the type

to get knocked upby my boss --

I certainly do not wantto put any pressureson you as a female,

but at times I wonder if thereis more we should discuss.

There's nothingto discuss!

I made a mistake,and I am moving forward!

They can't just fire mefrom the Christmas show!

The whole thingis my creation!

Uh, last night,you tweeted,

"The city councilcan suck my Mexican dick."

It was a joke.

Look at me!I don't even have a dick!

Get it?

Okay, okay, look, I know --It wasn't a good joke.

But it really wasn'tmy fault.

The fact is, I went homelast night, and I was angry.

I couldn't sleep,so I took some Ambien.

And then I started tweeting.

Ambien messes with my head.You ever take that crap?

You want us to take this upagainst Ambien?

They have the best lawyersin the world.

Well, I thoughtmaybe I could get them

in a defecation lawsuit.

[ Door slams ]

Argh.

And I never, ever would'vesaid those things

about the city council,

but the Ambien makes mekind of black out.

I'm sorry, sir, but we don'trepresent pieces of shit.

Why not?

[ Door slams ]

Argh.

And I just thoughtmaybe we could

convince the city councilto hire me back.

Look, I'm sorry,but I learned a long time ago

that if you defend poop,you get stained.

[ Door slams ]

Mr. Hankey?

Oh. Kyle.

[ Sadly ]Howwwwdy ho.

What areyou doing here?

Just tryingto find some help.

There isn't a lawyer in townwho will take me.

Wait a minute -- You!

You're the sonof a lawyer.

You have lawyer bloodinside your veins!

You can help me withmy defecation lawsuit, Kyle!

Me?What can I do?

Please, Kyle.

You're the only person leftwho can help me.

You and me, pal,we are gonna fight the system!

Paging Dr. Bender.

Your vice principal gave birthto all five babies

with no epidural.

I must say,she's a very strong woman.

That she is.

The quintuplets are all healthyand resting away.

There are her babiesright there.

Oh, dude.Bro.

Yes, cute, little buggers,aren't they?

Three boysand two girls.

I think it's wrong to forcegender specification upon them

at this young age.

Funny. That's exactly whattheir mother said.

The quints are allCaucasian, blue-eyed,

and somethingkind of weird.

What's that?

Well, the babies are allextremely PC,

the likes of whichI have never seen.

Watch this.[ Intercom clicks ]

[ Over microphone ] Threeblack guys walk into a bar --

[ Babies crying ]

It's okay!It's okay!

They left!They left!

[ Crying stops ]

Doctor, would itbe possible for me

to hold the PC Babies?

I'm sorry. That's only forthe mother and father.

Though, accordingto the vice principal,

the father doesn'teven exist.