Mr. Hankey...

(loud sniffle)

Fourteen years ago did youor did you not say

'Everyone in South Park is a god damn douche bag'?

Yes.

That was a bad attemptat a Christmas joke.

But there's nothing in thatstatement about Christmas.

That's what I said,it was a bad attempt.

What part of the statement wasactually-

You wanna hear agood Christmas joke?

In two thousand and fiveyou said that-

(loud sniffle)

You said that youhad no recollection-

(loud sniffle)

Sorry, I got the sniffles.

♪♪

[ Gunshots, screaming ]

[ Alarm rings ]

[ Sirens wailing ]

[ Gunshots, screaming continue ]

Mayor: People, it's timewe faced some hard truths.

The town is looking to usfor answers,

and all we keep doingis burying our heads.

We need to cut the budget forthis year's Christmas pageant.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

My God.

I've asked the directorof the holiday show to stop by

so we can allgive him the news.

He's not goingto take this well.

If he doesn't,we should just let him go.

God knowsit's about time.

Hey, a lot of peoplelike him, all right?

Yeah, and lot of peoplethink he stinks.

Let's justget this over with.

All right, send him in.

[ Door opens ]

Howwwwdy ho!

You wanted to see me?

Better hurry.

We only have two monthsbefore Christmas!

Mr. Hankey, we called you into let you know that

your Christmas-pageant fundinghas been cut.

By half.

What?

But I can barely make a goodChristmas show with what I have!

We just don't have the supportfor the Christmas show

that we used to.

The truth is,some people find you offensive.

Offensive?What about me is offensive?

Some people thinkthat shit

isn't the best representationof Christmas.

You -- You peoplecan't do this.

Christmas is the most magicaltime of the year.

The decision hasalready been made.

Thank you, Mr. Hankey,and good luck with the show.

[ Bad versionof "Deck the Halls" playing ]

♪♪

[ Baton tapping ]

Okay, stop.

Kids, the song's called"Deck the Halls,"

not "Let's All Suck Balls."

Now, come on, kids.

Why do we haveto do this now?

Yeah, It's not evenHalloween yet.

Restoration Hardware put uptheir Christmas decorations

two weeks ago, all right?!

Now, listen,I didn't want this, either.

I wanted the Denver Symphony.

But they cut my budget,and I'm stuck with you.

Now, let's take itfrom the top!

[ Baton tapping ]

[ Sighs ]

Vice Principal Strong Woman?

Yes, PC Principal?

I was seeingif there's anything

you might wantto discuss with me.

What would weneed to discuss?

I am so sorry that I tookadvantage of my position

and manipulated youinto a physical encounter.

Hey, I am a strong woman,all right?

I don't get manipulated.

We both are guilty

of an ill-advised relationshipat the workplace,

but that was long ago,

and I have decidedto move forward.

Are you surewe can move forward?

Why not? We make a mistake,we move forward.

I was just thinkingthere might still possiblybe some fallout from --

Nope. We're justgonna forget about it

and put it to rest.

You don't thinkthere's anything else

to dis-- to discuss?

No, I don't.Bye-bye.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Dude. Kyle.Dude.

Dude.What?

Did you read what Mr. Hankeytweeted last night?

What Mr. Hankey tweeted?

Yeah, I guessafter band rehearsals,

he went on Twitterto talk about us.

Look.

Oh.Jesus Christ, dude.

[ Sewing machine clicking ]

♪ Santa Claus is on his way

♪ He's loaded goodieson his sleigh ♪

♪ He'll drop 'em offon Christmas Day ♪

Mr. Hankey?

Oh, Kyle!

Howwwwwdy ho!

Mr. Hankey,everyone's really mad at you.

Were you on Twitterlast night?

Yeeeahhhh.

Did you tweet,"The kids of South Park

are retarded homoswho can't play music"?

Eeeeeyeeaaahhhhh.

Why would you tweet that?!

All the kidsare really pissed off!

It was a bad attempt at a joke.I'm sorry.

Will you please tell the kidsI didn't mean it?

What do you want me to say?

The fact is,I couldn't sleep last night,

so I took some Ambien.

You ever take that stuff?

It turns your brainsinto oatmeal.

Please, Kyle, tell the kidsI didn't mean any harm.

We've gotta focuson Christmas!

The vice principal has askedto speak with you today.

She believes it is timethat we all as a school

finally discussedin vitro fertilization.

That's right, kids.

Many women today makethe choice to have children

without a manin their lives.

They can havetheir eggs fertilized

by an unknown person's spermin a lab.

That's right,Strong Woman.

In today's society,it is wrong to just assume

that a pregnant womanhad intercourse with a man.

[ Groans ]

St-Students at this schoolneed to be careful,

becauseit can be offensive

to asks questions like"Who's the father?"

[ Groans ]

You -- You all right,Strong Woman?

I'm fine.

So -- So, we'd liketo have all our students

talk to their parentstonight

about in vitro fertilization,and after that,

let's just putthe whole issue behind us.

[ Gurgle, gush ]

That's my water breaking.

Not a big deal.

[ Gurgle, gush ]

♪ Christmas time

♪ It's Christmas time

♪ Christmas time

♪ Yeah, Christmas time

Hankey!

We need to talkabout what you tweeted!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I took Ambientwo nights ago,

and I called the schoolkidshomos.

No, I'm talking aboutwhat you tweeted last night.

"The city council members

are a bunch ofpussy-licking Islamists."

Oh. Oh, geez.Did I say that?

Listen, if you're tiredand you can't sleep,

do not take Ambien.

Okay?Whew!

I'm afraid we have no otheroption but to fire you

as executive planning managerof the city council.

Fire me?

No, no, no, please.I'm really sorry.

No, wait!Wait!

Please give meanother chance.

Don't do this!What about Christmas?

Just keep breathing.

[ Breathing heavily ]I didn't need your help.

I'm just a co-worker helpinganother co-worker in need.

Yeah, well, peoplemight get the wrong idea!

I have workedmy whole life

to be the strongest womanpossible --

a person little girlscould look up to.

If those girls thoughtthat I was the type

to get knocked upby my boss --

I certainly do not wantto put any pressureson you as a female,

but at times I wonder if thereis more we should discuss.

There's nothingto discuss!

I made a mistake,and I am moving forward!

They can't just fire mefrom the Christmas show!

The whole thingis my creation!

Uh, last night,you tweeted,

"The city councilcan suck my Mexican dick."

It was a joke.

Look at me!I don't even have a dick!

Get it?

Okay, okay, look, I know --It wasn't a good joke.

But it really wasn'tmy fault.

The fact is, I went homelast night, and I was angry.

I couldn't sleep,so I took some Ambien.

And then I started tweeting.

Ambien messes with my head.You ever take that crap?

You want us to take this upagainst Ambien?

They have the best lawyersin the world.

Well, I thoughtmaybe I could get them

in a defecation lawsuit.

[ Door slams ]

Argh.

And I never, ever would'vesaid those things

about the city council,

but the Ambien makes mekind of black out.

I'm sorry, sir, but we don'trepresent pieces of shit.

Why not?

[ Door slams ]

Argh.

And I just thoughtmaybe we could

convince the city councilto hire me back.

Look, I'm sorry,but I learned a long time ago

that if you defend poop,you get stained.

[ Door slams ]

Mr. Hankey?

Oh. Kyle.

[ Sadly ]Howwwwdy ho.

What areyou doing here?

Just tryingto find some help.

There isn't a lawyer in townwho will take me.

Wait a minute -- You!

You're the sonof a lawyer.

You have lawyer bloodinside your veins!

You can help me withmy defecation lawsuit, Kyle!

Me?What can I do?

Please, Kyle.

You're the only person leftwho can help me.

You and me, pal,we are gonna fight the system!

Paging Dr. Bender.

Your vice principal gave birthto all five babies

with no epidural.

I must say,she's a very strong woman.

That she is.

The quintuplets are all healthyand resting away.

There are her babiesright there.

Oh, dude.Bro.

Yes, cute, little buggers,aren't they?

Three boysand two girls.

I think it's wrong to forcegender specification upon them

at this young age.

Funny. That's exactly whattheir mother said.

The quints are allCaucasian, blue-eyed,

and somethingkind of weird.

What's that?

Well, the babies are allextremely PC,

the likes of whichI have never seen.

Watch this.[ Intercom clicks ]

[ Over microphone ] Threeblack guys walk into a bar --

[ Babies crying ]

It's okay!It's okay!

They left!They left!

[ Crying stops ]

Doctor, would itbe possible for me

to hold the PC Babies?

I'm sorry. That's only forthe mother and father.

Though, accordingto the vice principal,

the father doesn'teven exist.

[ Ball dribbling ]

[ Backboard rattles ]

You guys!Hey, guys!

I think I figured it out.What?

How to get Mr. Hankeyanother chance.

There's by-lawsin the city council

that community service leaders

can't be terminatedwithout a hearing.

I need you guys thereas character witnesses.

N-N-Nope.

Not gettingthe stink on me.

He has a rightto be heard.

He's meant a lotto this town.

Dude, why do you keepdefending him, Kyle?

Yeah, you know everyone in townthinks he's a piece of shit.

Come on, guys.We can't just turn our backs.

How many times has Mr. Hankeybeen there for us?

Mmm, once,kind of?

Look, he messed up,

but I don't knowif he deserves everything

that's coming down on him.

I wanna standby my friend.

Mm, let's see howthat goes for you in 2018.

[ Rim rattles ]

Vice Principal?

My babies!Where are they?

Shh. It's okay.The babies are fine.

Resting in the nursery.

They're the most...[Voice breaking]

They're the most PC babiesI've ever seen.

You shouldn't be here.

People will startgetting suspicious!

Look, I was the onewho abused my position

and took advantageof a subordinate --

Nobody took advantage of me!Not took advantage.

You know what I'm saying.And I'm a strong woman!

All I want to dois help.

We can sayI'm the manny.

And if anyone hasa problem with that,

then they have a problemwith gender biases,

and they cantake it up with me!

We can keep the truth aboutthe babies totally hidden.

Oh, yes, that curriculumshould be fine

for the students.

I'll start workingon an all-school proposal.

Oh, yes, very good,Vice Principal.

See that it is doneby back-to-school night.

All right, Mommy!

Your little bundles of joysare here.

Oh, and who's this.

I am the manny.

Anyone have a problemwith that?

[ Chuckling ]No, not at all.

Everything good here?

[ Cries ]

[ Babies cry ]

Aw! Are thesePC babies?

[ Crying continues ]

It's the Hankey Hearings on South Park 13.

[ Indistinct talking ][ Gavel bangs ]

Mr. Hankey?

[ Sniffles loudly ]

14 hours ago,did you or did you not say,

"Everyone in South Parkis a goddamn douche bag"?

Yes.

That was a bad attemptat a Christmas joke.

But there's nothing inthat statement about Christmas.

That's was I said,it was a bad attempt.

What part of the statementwas actually --

You wanna heara good Christmas joke?

In 2005, you said that --

[ Sniffles loudly ]

You said that you hadno recollection --

[ Sniffles loudly ]

Sorry.I got the sniffles.

Mr. Hankey,do you understand

how importantthese statements are

to the citizensof this town?

All I understand is, it's onlyeight weeks until Christmas.

If we don't stopwasting our time,

we're all gonnamiss out

on the most magical partof the whole year.

What did you mean last nightwhen you tweeted,

"The Mayor of South Park isa titless whore"?

[ Loud thud ]

Oh, come on!It was a joke!

That's it! That's it.

I've had enough of thiswhole fucking sham!

Fuck all youand fuck this whole system!

It's Christmastime!

Shh.

We just need to getsome diapers.

Shh.

Oh, what adorablelittle babies!

Thank you.

My, they lookvery PC!

Oh no, no.

They're not very PC,at all.

Aww!Look at the PC babies!

They actuallyaren't PC.

No?

Did you hear Monica Lewinsky'sbecoming a Republican?

The Democrats left a bad tastein her mouth.

[ Babies cry ][ Laughter ]

Oh, God. Shhhh!No, no, no, no, no!

Shhhh!Is everythingall right?

Oh, look! More PC babies!They're everywhere!

I told you we need toshop separately!

Shh! Shh.

Excuse me, where isthe Oriental food aisle?

[ Crying intensifies ]Shhh! Quiet!There's PC babies!

Gee-whiz.

Thanks for comin' outwith me, Kyle.

These days, it's likeyou're my only friend.

So what's the plan,huh?

What you got figured outto get my job back?

I had a plan.

You decided to call the mayora titless whore.

[ Chuckles ] Oh,it was a joke, Kyle.

Sometimes,when I take Ambien,

I'm really groggy and moodythe next day.

It's a real side affect.

it's printed righton the bottle!

[ Scoffs ] I don't knowhow much longer

I can defend you.

People are startingto think I'm shitty.

Kyle, don't you understandthis whole thing

is a smear campaign?

Why are people focusing ona few stupid words I said

when Christmas isjust around the corner?!

It's like everyone's forgotabout what Christmas means --

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my God!

Kyle! That's it!The holiday spirit!

It's October!

And that's the point!Don't you see?

What we need to do

is get everyonein the Christmas mood!

We can bring the whole spiritof the holidays early!

Okay, you do that.

No, no, no.Kyle, you gotta help me!

I can't do this alone.

I have homeworkand stuff!

You're all I have!

Even my wifeleft with the nuggets

'cause ofall the pressure!

Please!

Okay, fine!

I'll help you.

But listen to me,

I don't care how restlessyou get tonight.

No Ambien.

Well, maybe just a "liddol"if I really can't sleep.

No! None!

If you want my helpthis time,

you aren't takingany Ambien tonight.

That's the deal!

Yay! It's a deal!

Oh, boy!Kyle, I'm so excited!

We're gonna bringthe spirit of Christmas

to South Park!

Aww, look atthe little PC babies!

Uh, no.We're from Missouri.

I know a PC babywhen I see one!

[ Coddling voice ]Who loves social justice?

Who's the future?Who's the big bad future?

Yes, they are.[ Giggles ]

Aww, PC babies!

All right.Please, move along folks.

We don't want the babiesto get excited.

[ Synthesizer music plays ]

♪♪

Mr. Hankey:Hello, South Park!

Come on, everybody!Get over here!

Who wants to see a miracle?!

♪♪

Howwwwdy ho, everyone!

Guess what time it is?

It's Christmastime!

[ Fireworks whistle, explode ]

All: Ohhhhh.

♪ Deck the hallsand trim the trees ♪

♪ Christmastime is here

♪ Gonna sing and flushour worries away ♪

♪ It's the best timeof the year ♪

That's right, everybody!Who loves the holidays?

[ Crowd cheers ]

Just like when Christ was born,

let's all be withour mothers and fathers --

[ PC babies cry ]

Let's not forgetthat boys and girls

all over the world are --

[ Crying continues ]

Hey! Hey, careful!You're upsetting the PC babies!

The PC what? Listen!

Christmas season meanspeace on earth

and good will towards men.

[ Crying intensifies ]

Uh, uh, look, what isthe holiday season about?

It's about loving each other,right?

Loving and --What?!

What are theycrying about now?

Sometimes, PC Babies

don't even knowwhat they're crying about.

Well, then tell the babiesto shut the fuck up!

[ Crowd groans, boos ]

Who the fuckbrings a goddamn baby

to a Christmas show anyway?!

Mr. Hankey, stop!

Lemme go, Kyle!These people are idiots!

[ Crying continues ]

Mommy,something stinks.

Yeah, like shit.

[ Door slams ]

[ Horn honks ]

You stand up forall pieces of crap?

Asshole!

♪♪

Uh-huh.

2018.

♪♪

Kyle, listen.

It was 3:00 a.m. last night,

and I still hadn't slept,so I d--

Kyle!

Kyle, please!

They're gonna run meout of town, Kyle.

They're goingto erase me

and everythingI ever did.

You want themto erase me, too?

♪♪

Kyle...we can all beshitty sometimes.

Uh...[ Groans ]

♪♪

They're so strong...

like their mother.

They're so PC,like...

whoever their father is.

We'll neverkeep them quiet.

Our only hope isto keep them hidden.

Can they ever knowthat I'm their dad?

We did the most un-PC thingimaginable.

Think about whatthat would do to them.

We can never let them knowthe debaucherous,

sickening circumstances thatbrought them into this world.

Then, I'll just try to bethe best principal to them

that I possibly can.

And I'll be their strongestvice principal,

and hopefully...the world will calm down

and not do anythingto upset them.

South Park says goodbyeto Mr. Hankey.

The longtime union of this townand the holiday figure

is over for good.

We should all feel pretty greatabout ourselves,

give ourselves a little,nice pat on the back,

as we, as a society, continue

to try and sweep awayall the poop.

Well, everyone...I guess this is goodbye.

It sure has been swell-

No good-byes, Hankey.You just need to go.

We've already called youa "Poober."

A Poober --They have that?

[ Horn honks ]

Oh, you mean Lyft.

Well, okay.Goodbye, everyone.

I hope I broughta few smiles and a few laughs

into your hearts.

Goodbye,Mr. Hankey.

Where will he go?

He'll haveto find a place

that accepts racist,awful beings like him.

There are stillplaces out there

who don't care aboutbigotry and hate.

Howwwwwdy ho!

Cool, man.Talking crap.

Welcome, my friend.

Please,rest your wary feet

and make yourselfat home here!

ALL: Hooray!