[mysterious music]
♪
- [farts]
[both laughing]
- THAT ONE WAS SMELLY!
TAKE THIS, DALI TERRANCE!
[farts]
[both laughing harder]
- DUDE, THIS IS PROBABLY
THE BEST EPISODETHEY'VE EVER DONE!
- I KNOW!THIS IS AWESOME!
- OH! I'M SO HAPPY!
- TERRANCE AND PHILLIP WILL BE RIGHT BACK
AFTER THESE MESSAGES.
- ♪ SO MUCH SUFFERING
- OH, NO!
IT'S THAT SUPER SADSARAH MCLACHLAN COMMERCIAL!
LOOK AWAY!- WHAT?
- DUDE, THIS ISTHE SADDEST COMMERCIAL EVER.
DON'T WATCH!
- THESE ARETHE IMAGES OF BABIES
BORN ADDICTEDTO CRACK COCAINE.
THEIR MOTHERSHAVE ABANDONED THEM.
THEY LIE IN THE DARK, CRYING,WITH NOBODY TO HOLD THEM.
- OH, DUDE, THAT'S SO SAD.
- WHY DO THEY HAVE TOPUT THIS ON TV?
- THEIR WORLD IS BLEAK,LONELY, AND HOPELESS.
HELLO.I'M SARAH MCLACHLAN.
AND I WAS FAMOUSFOR TWO MONTHS.
EACH YEAR, THOUSANDS OF BABIESARE BORN ADDICTED TO CRACK
AND LIE IN HOSPITALSWITHOUT A MOTHER TO HOLD THEM.
WON'T YOU VOLUNTEER TODAY?
LOOK AT THESE PICTURES.THEY NEED YOU.
- UGH, DUDE.- AGH, GOD!
- PLEASE, GO TOYOUR LOCAL HOSPITAL NOW.
HERE ARE SOME MORE PICTURES.
- ♪ KEEP HOLDING ON
- I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.I GOTTA GO VOLUNTEER, DUDE.
- ♪ KEEP HOLDING ON
- IT'S A REALLY GREAT THINGYOU'RE DOING.
WE HAVE SO MANYABANDONED BABIES
AND NOT ENOUGH PEOPLELIKE YOURSELF WHO CARE.
- WHAT EXACTLYCAN I DO TO HELP?
- JUST HOLD THEM,TALK TO THEM, PLAY WITH THEM.
YOU'LL FIND THEY'RESO HUNGRY FOR ATTENTION.
HERE'S OURCRACK BABY WARD NOW.
[babies crying]
- I KNOW IT ISN'T MUCH,
BUT WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OFFUNDING, YOU SEE.
- OH, IT'S--IT'S SO SAD.
- COME--COME RIGHT OVER HERE.
WE HAVE A DECENT ROOM HERE
WHERE YOU CAN PLAYWITH THE BABIES
AND NURTURE THEM.
IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY GREATYOU'RE VOLUNTEERING NOW
BECAUSE OUR OTHERLITTLE BOY VOLUNTEER
IS JUST FINISHING UP.
- OH, HEY, KYLE.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I'M VOLUNTEERING.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I'M VOLUNTEERINGMY TIME, KYLE.
- YOUNG ERIC HAS BEEN HEREEVERY DAY
FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS,BLESS HIS HEART.
- WHY DO YOU HAVEA VIDEO CAMERA?
- I'M VOLUNTEERING, KYLE!
IT JUST SO HAPPENS SARAHMCLACHLAN TOUCHED MY HEART.
IS THAT SO HARD TO BELIEVE?
GOOD-BYE, NURSE WILLIAMS,SEE YOU TOMORROW.
- BYE, ERIC!
[elevator dings]
- I'M SORRY.
CAN I COME BACKIN JUST A LITTLE BIT?
- CERTAINLY.
WE'RE HERE ALL THE TIMEUNFORTUNATELY.
- THANKS.
[downbeat jazz playing]
♪
[no audible dialogue]
♪
[no audible dialogue]
[keyboard clacking]
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- AAH!
- AW, CRAP.
OKAY, KYLE, YOU CAUGHT US.
I ADMIT WE AREN'TACTUALLY DOING
VOLUNTEER WORKAT THE HOSPITAL.
- SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- WHAT IF I WERE TO TELL YOU
THERE'S A WAYTO HELP THOSE POOR BABIES
BORN ADDICTED TO CRACK
AND GIVE THEM A FUTUREAS WELL?
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT IS IT?
- CRACK BABY BASKETBALL.
- WHOA, WHOA, KYLE, COME ON!DON'T TELL ON US!
WE COULD ACTUALLYREALLY USE YOU!
- WHY DO YOU NEED ME?
- BECAUSE WE NEED A JEWTO DO THE BOOKKEEPING.
DAMN IT.
KYLE, WAIT, I--
KYLE!HOLD ON A SECOND!
- I KNEW YOU WERE DOINGSOMETHING TERRIBLE!
- WHAT'S TERRIBLE, KYLE?
WE FILL A LITTLE BALLWITH CRACK,
WE LET THE CRACK BABIESFIGHT OVER IT,
AND PUT IT UPON THE INTERNET.
WHO CARES?
- LOTS OF PEOPLE WILLWHEN I TELL THEM!
- WE MADE $1,000IN ELEVEN DAYS.
- YOU WHAT?
- ASK THE GUYS.
THERE'S SIX HOSPITALSWITHIN A TEN MILE RADIUS,
AND ALL WE DO IS PITTHE CRACK BABIES
AGAINST EACH OTHER WITHA LITTLE BALL OF CRACK.
- $1,000.
- THIS THING IS HUGE.
AND IT DOESN'T HURTTHE CRACK BABIES AT ALL.
WE ARE SWIMMINGIN CASH, KYLE.
LET ME TAKE YOU OUTTO DENNY'S.
IT'S BACONALIA TIME.
- ♪ I BE ROCKIN' THEM BEATS
- ♪ Y-Y-YEAH, YEAH,HUH, HUH, HUH ♪
- AFTER YOU.
- ♪ HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO,SATELLITE RADIO ♪
- OH, THERE'S A BIG WAITTO SIT DOWN.
- AH, MR. CARTMAN!
WE HAVE YOUR TABLEWAITING, SIR!
- COME ON.
- WE STARTED WITH TWOCRACK BABIES AND A CAMERA.
BUTTERS DIDALL THE INTERNET STUFF.
WE'VE BUILT UP TO1,000 HITS A DAY.
- JESUS CHRIST.- IT'S AWESOME.
- IT'S THE GOOD LIFE, KYLE.
WE'VE COME HERE EVERY NIGHT
FOR DENNY'SBACONALIA SPECIALS.
- EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!
- LOOK AT THE MENU.
BACON INSIDE PANCAKES,BACON MEATLOAF.
THEY EVEN HAVEA BACON SUNDAE FOR DESERT.
- WOW.
- WE ARE TURNING THIS THING
INTO A LEGITIMATE SPORT,KYLE.
WE'RE GETTING SLASH TO STARTPLAYING AT HALFTIME,
AND EA SPORTS IS OFFERING US
$100,000FOR THE VIDEO GAME RIGHTS.
- ♪ I LIKE THATBOOM BOOM POW ♪
♪ THEM CHICKSBE JACKIN' MY STYLE ♪
♪ THEY TRY AND COPYMY SWAGGER ♪
♪ I'M ON THE NEXT SHIT NOW
- WE'VE GOTA CONSTANT FLOW OF ATHLETES
THAT NEVER DRIES UP, KYLE.
AND BEST OF ALL,IT'S ALL CHARITY,
SO IT'S TAX FREE.
- ♪ THAT FUTUREBOOM, BOOM, BOOM ♪
- WE'LL PUT YOUR OFFICERIGHT HERE, KYLE.
ALL OF SOUTH PARK WALKING BY,LOOKING UP AT YOU.
- AND IT ACTUALLY HELPSTHE CRACK BABIES.
IT'S LIKE VOLUNTEERING,
BUT--BUT WE JUST MAKEA LITTLE ON THE SIDE.
- SOMEBODY'S GOTTA EATALL THAT BACON, KYLE.
MIGHT AS WELL BE US.
WELCOME TO THE FIRM.
♪
- GO LONG, TOKEN!GO, GO!
- HEY, STAN!DUDE, I WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS.
IT'S THE 20 BUCKS I OWED YOU,PLUS $30 INTEREST.
- WOW! REALLY?
- I GOT A JOB, STAN.
I AM MAKING TONS OF MONEY
DOING SOME REALLY COOL STUFF.
- DOING WHAT?
- CRACK BABY BASKETBALL.
- DUDE.
- NO, NO, IT'S NOTLIKE IT SOUNDS.
HERE, CHECK IT OUT!
SEE LOOK.WE JUST VIDEO THE BABIES
FIGHTING OVER A BALLFULL OF CRACK.
IT'S REALLY GETTING POPULAR.
[babies crying in video]
I MEAN IT--IT'S COOL,
BECAUSE LIKETHE COMMERCIAL SAID,
THE CRACK BABIESHAD NOTHING BEFORE.
[crying continues]
IT'S--IT'S GREAT BECAUSEEVERYONE WINS, YOU KNOW?
YOU SEE THAT?TWO MILLION HITS!
[crying continues]
DID YOU KNOW THEY'RE PUTTINGBACON INSIDE OF PANCAKES
AT DENNY'S?
- BETSY MACINTOSH?
- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- WE HEARD ABOUT YOU THROUGHTHE PASSAGES SOBRIETY CLINIC.
THEY SAID YOU'VE SKIPPED OUTON YOUR REHAB ONCE AGAIN?
- OH, GOD!
- WE NEED TO SPEAKWITH YOU, MA'AM.
- [sobbing]
IT'S LIKE THESE VOICESIN MY HEAD WON'T BE QUIET
UNTIL I USE AGAIN.
- AND SO AM I CORRECTTHAT YOU ARE
8-1/2 MONTHS PREGNANT
AND STILL ADDICTEDTO COCAINE?
- I DON'T WANT MY BABYBORN ADDICTED TO DRUGS,
BUT I CAN'T STOP![sobbing hysterically]
- WELL, MA'AM, I HAVESOME EXCITING NEWS.
WE WOULD LIKE YOUR CHILD
TO PLAY FOR THE CRACK BABYATHLETIC ASSOCIATION.
[Butters clapping]
- THE WHAT?
- WE BELIEVE THAT ST. MARY'S
IS THE BEST HOSPITALFOR YOUR CHILD,
AND WE ARE PREPAREDTO OFFER IT A FULL RIDE.
NOW, DO YOU KNOW YET IFYOUR CHILD IS MALE OR FEMALE,
OR SO DEFORMED YOU'LLNEVER BE ABLE TELL?
- THEY SAID IT'S A BOY.
- JUST SIGN THE PAPER
AND HE'LL BE PLAYING BALLFOR ST. MARY'S.
- [sobbing]HOW MUCH WILL HE MAKE?
- WELL, NOTHING.
CRACK BABY PLAYERS CAN'T MAKEA SALARY BASED ON THE RULES.
- SO WHAT?
YOU WOULD MAKE MONEYOFF OF MY CHILD?
THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.
- I DON'T MAKE THE RULES,MA'AM.
I JUST THINK THEM UPAND WRITE THEM DOWN.
NOW, IF YOU WOULD BE WILLINGTO SIGN RIGHT HERE,
WE CAN GET THINGS ROLLING--
- CAN'T YOU CHANGETHE RULES?
- UGH.
MA'AM, THE CRACK BABYATHLETIC ASSOCIATION
IS A STORIED FRANCHISE.
IT WAS FOUNDEDOVER 12 DAYS AGO
WITH A FIRM ETHICAL CODETHAT STRICTLY STATES
BENEFITS TO PLAYERS ISDETRIMENTALIZED
TO THEIR WELL-BEING.
I CANNOT OFFER YOUOR YOUR CHILD ANY CASH.
I CAN, HOWEVER...
OFFER YOUA LITTLE BIT OF CRACK.
BUTTERS?
[video game sound effects]
[door opens and closes]
- DUDE, WHAT ACTUALLY MAKESTOTAL SENSE ABOUT IT,
IF YOU LOOK AT IT,IS THAT THE CRACK BABIES
ARE FINALLY GETTINGSOME ATTENTION
AND THE CARE THAT THEY NEED.
YEAH, IT'S PRETTY COOL,DUDE.
BECAUSE MOST OF THESE BABIESWOULD NORMALLY
NOT EVEN GET OUT, YOU KNOW,OR BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING.
JUST BECAUSEWE ARE MAKING MONEY
DOESN'T MEAN THAT THOSEBABIES AREN'T BENEFITING.
IT ISN'T EXPLOITING THEM!
THEY'RE FINDINGA USEFUL PLACE IN SOCIETY.
WHAT'S UNETHICAL ABOUT THAT?
- YOU SOUND LIKE CARTMAN.
- OOH.
DUDE, THE THING IS,
WE'RE NOT THE ONES THATMADE THEM CRACK BABIES.
THAT'S THEIR MOM'SGODDAMN FAULT!
- YEAH, I'M SURE THAT'SWHAT CARTMAN WOULD SAY TOO.
- I DO NOT SOUNDLIKE CARTMAN, GOD DAMN IT!
OKAY, SO...SEE YA.
[door opens and closes]
- IT'S THE EASIEST THINGIN THE WORLD!
HOW COULD YOU GUYSHAVE SCREWED THIS UP?
ALL I ASKED YOU TO DOWAS TO GET SLASH
TO PLAY AT HALFTIMEFOR THE MATCH UP
BETWEEN THE CRACK BABIESAT CEDAR SINAI AND D.U.
- WE'RE JUST HAVINGA HARD TIME FINDING HIM.
- SLASH IS NOT HARD TO FIND!
HE'LL SHOW UP TO PLAY ANYWHEREIF YOU PAY HIM!
HE PLAYED AT MY EIGHTH BIRTHDAYPARTY FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
LOOK! LOOK HE'S PLAYINGAT LAKEWOOD MALL RIGHT NOW!
YOU GUYS GET DOWN THERE--[telephone rings]
OH, CRAP, THE PRESIDENTOF EA SPORTS IS CALLING!
JUST GO, GO!
MR. PETERS, HOW ARE YOU?
YES, SIR, WE'RE VERY EXCITED
ABOUT OUR DEALWITH YOU AS WELL!
OH, WE KNOWTHE VIDEO GAME VERSION
OF CRACK BABY BASKETBALLWILL BE A BIG HIT TOO.
[whispering]HEY, KYLE, HAVE A SEAT.
- I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
- MR. PETERS,CAN I CALL YOU BACK?
OUR COMPANY ACCOUNTANTNEEDS ME.
YES, HE IS JEWISH.
OKAY, THANKS, MR. PETERS.BYE!
HOW'S IT GOIN', MAN?
- IN OUR DEAL WITH EA SPORTS,
WE ARE GIVING THEMTHE RIGHT TO USE
IMAGES OF THE CRACK BABIESAND THEIR NAMES,
BUT WE AREN'T PAYINGTHE CRACK BABIES.
- THEY CAN'T MAKE MONEY.IT'S AGAINST THE RULES.
- BUT THIS VIDEO GAME COULDMAKE A MILLION DOLLARS.
WE HAVE TO GIVE THE CRACKBABIES A PIECE OF THAT.
- KYLE, IT SAYS RIGHT THERE.RULE NUMBER THREE.
CRACK BABY PLAYERS CANNOTRECEIVE COMPENSATION
OF ANY KIND FOR THEIR PLAY.
- BUT THEY'RE THE ONESRISKING INJURY.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT METO DO, KYLE?
FIND A STEP LADDER OF SOME KINDAND RISK MY SAFETY
TO GET UP AND THEREAND CHANGE THE RULES?
- THE GOVERNMENT COULDCOME AFTER US, CARTMAN.
- WE'RE A NON-PROFITCOMPANY, KYLE.
- SO THEN WHERE DIDTHE $800 WE MADE
FROM SELLING AN INTERNET ADTO PAYLESS SHOE SOURCE GO?
- OH! TO THINGS WE NEED TOKEEP THE OFFICE RUNNING, KYLE.
HERE, LOOK!
- A HOT TUB?
- IT'S NOT JUST A HOT TUB.TASTE IT.
GO AHEAD, TASTE IT.
- GRAVY?
- KENTUCKY FRIEDCHICKEN GRAVY.
- NO WAY.
- A HOT TUB FULLOF KFC GRAVY, KYLE.
DID YOU EVER THINK YOU WOULDSEE THAT IN YOUR LIFETIME?
KYLE, AS OWNERSOF THIS COMPANY,
WE OWE ITNOT ONLY TO OURSELVES,
BUT TO THE CRACK BABIES,
TO BE AS STRESS-FREEAND CLEARHEADED AS POSSIBLE.
MCDONALDS FRENCH FRIESAND KFC GRAVY.
THE FRENCH CALL THIS POUTINE.
- NO, BUT, DUDE,
WE CAN'T LICENSE OUR GAMESTO EA SPORTS
AND PAY THE CRACK BABIESNOTHING.
SLAVERY IS ILLEGAL!
- IT'S NOT ILLEGAL, KYLE.TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL DO SOME UNDERCOVER WORK
AND FIND OUT HOW THE OTHERCOMPANIES GET AWAY WITH IT.
- WHAT OTHER COMPANIES?
- DEAN HOWLAND,A REPRESENTATIVE
FROM ANOTHER PRESTIGIOUSINSTITUTION IS HERE TO SEE YOU.
- A WHAT?SEND HIM IN.
- [Southern accent]HELLO, SIR!
THE NAME IS ERIC P. CARTMAN.
I'M A WELL RESPECTED OWNERIN THE SLAVE TRADE.
- IN THE WHAT?
- MY PEACHES,WHAT A WONDERFUL OFFICE
YOU GOT YOURSELF HERE.
CERTAINLY GOT YOURSELFA LUCRATIVE BUSINESS, DON'T YE?
WELL, LET ME GETRIGHT DOWN TO IT, THEN.
LIKE YOURSELF, I AM ALSOIN THE SLAVE TRADE.
[inhales]
BUT AT THE MOMENT,I FIND MYSELF
IN A LITTLE QUANDARYWITH LEGAL ISSUES.
WAS WONDERIN' IF YOU COULDSHARE SOME SECRETS.
- I HAVE NO IDEAWHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
- YOU HAVE SOME MIGHTY STRONGLOOKIN' WORKERS HERE, SIR.
I'D BE WILLIN' TO OFFER YA$40 FOR TWO OF THE WHITE ONES
AND 50 FOR THE BLACKS.
- ARE YOU REFERRINGTO OUR STUDENT ATHLETES?
- STUDENT ATH-O-LETES!
HO HO!THAT IS BRILLIANT, SIR!
NOW WHEN WE SELL THEIRLIKENESS FOR VIDEO GAMES,
HOW DO YOU GET AROUNDPAYING FOR OUR SLAVES--
STUDENT ATH-O-LETES, THEN?
- LOOK, THERE AREGOOD REASONS
WHY OUR STUDENT ATHLETESCANNOT BE PAID, YOUNG MAN!
- I AIN'T ARGUING!
IF THEY GOT PAID,THEN HOW'D WE MAKE
ALL OUR MONEY, RIGHT?
- WE DO NOT OWN SLAVES.
AND WE HAVE NO DESIRETO OWN SLAVES!
- BUT OF COURSEYOU OWN SLAVES
BECAUSE YOU--OH, RIGHT!
AHEM!OF COURSE YOU DON'T HAVE
DESIRE TO OWN SLAVES, SIR.
NEITHER DO I.
AND IF THERE WASANY GOVERNMENT AGENCY
LISTENIN' INON THIS HERE CONVERSATION,
THEY SHOULD KNOWTHAT WE'RE NOT TALKIN'
'BOUT SLAVE OWNERSHIP T'ALL!
[whispering] ALL RIGHT,SO NOW DO YOU GET AROUND
NOT PAYING YOUR SLAVES?
- GET OUT!
THIS ISA PRESTIGIOUS UNIVERSITY
AND I AM NOT SAYINGONE MORE WORD TO YOU!
- YOU THINK YOU CAN DOWHATEVER YOU WANT
JUST BECAUSE YOUR CORPORATIONIS A UNIVERSITY?
THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDEDON THE IDEALS
THAT ONE CORPORATIONCOULDN'T HOG ALL THE SLAVES
WHILE THE REST OF USWALLOW IN POVERTY!
SCREW YOU, SIR.I'M GOIN' HOME.
- HERE'S THE THING.
WHETHER OR NOTI'M A PART OF IT,
CRACK BABY BASKETBALLIS POPULAR.
SOMEBODY'S GOING TO DO IT.
SO THE ONLY WAY FOR ME TOTRY AND HELP THE SITUATION
IS TO BE INVOLVED IN IT
SO THAT I CAN STEER THINGSIN A DIRECTION
THAT'S MORE BENEFICIAL TOTHE ACTUAL CRACK BABIES.
OH, IT'S SO EASY FOR YOU,ISN'T IT?
I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DOEXCEPT LAY THERE
AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DIDAT SCHOOL TODAY
OR WHAT YOU WANNA WATCHON TV TOMORROW.
WELL, SORRY, SKIPPY,
BUT THE WORLD ISN'T ALWAYSBLACK AND WHITE.
JUST BECAUSE SOME PEOPLEARE BORN POORER THAN OTHERS
DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T ENJOYA FEW MCDONALDS FRENCH FRIES
IN A HOT TUB OF GRAVYFROM KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN!
- MCDONALDS FRENCH FRIESIN A HOT TUB OF KFC GRAVY?
- IT HAPPENS TO BE CALLEDPOUTINE IN MONTREAL!
[door opens and closes]
- HOW HARD CAN IT BE, CLYDE?
YOU WALK UP TO SLASHWHEN HE'S PLAYING AT THE MALL
AND YOU OFFER HIM A DEAL!
- WE MUST HAVEJUST MISSED HIM.
HE WAS PLAYINGAT CHERRY CREEK MALL
AND THEN THE FLATIRONS MALL.
NOW WE DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO
BECAUSE SLASH IS PLAYINGTHE PAVILION
IN COLORADO SPRINGS
AND THE GIGADOME IN MOSCOWLATER THIS AFTERNOON.
- HOW CAN SLASH BE PLAYINGIN COLORADO SPRINGS
AND MOSCOW AT THE SAME TIME?
- WE DON'T KNOW.HE'S EVERYWHERE.
- LOOK YOU MORONS!
SLASH CLEARLY HASA FAN CLUB, RIGHT?
SO JUST GOTO THE POST OFFICE
AND FIND OUTWHERE THE MAIL GETS SENT,
AND THEN YOU HAVESLASH'S HOME ADDRESS.
- OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
- YEAH, IT'S A GOOD IDEA,
NOW GO GET US SLASHFOR HALFTIME!
JESUS CHRIST!
ARE WE THE ONLYTWO INTELLIGENT PEOPLE
IN THIS ENTIRE COMPANY,KYLE?
GOD DAMN!
- ALL RIGHT, CARTMAN,I'VE BEEN DOING
A LOT OF THINKINGABOUT HOW THE COMPANY
IS GOING TO SPEND THE MONEYWE MAKE OFF THE EA SPORTS DEAL.
WE ARE GOING TO USE 30%OF THE MONEY
TO BUILD AN ORPHANAGEFOR THE CRACK BABIES.
- WHAT?
- I'VE DESIGNED IT TO BE
THE BEST PLACE FOR THEMTO LIVE.
A PLACE THEY CAN FINALLY
HAVE THE CARE AND HAPPINESSTHEY DESERVE.
AND IF YOU THINKIT'S A BAD IDEA,
I REALLY DON'T CARE!
- OH, MY GOD.
IT'S GENIUS, KYLE!
- WHAT?
- THIS IS THE ANSWERTO OUR PROBLEMS!
$300,000 BUILDING,BUT WE BUY OURSELVES
A MILLION DOLLARS WORTHOF GOOD WILL WITH THE PUBLIC!
WE CAN SAY WE GAVEOUR "STUDENT ATHLETES"
A PLACE TO LIVEAND GROW FOR A FEW YEARS!
IT'S LIKE MORAL TEFLON!
I KNEW WE NEEDED A JEWIN THIS COMPANY, KYLE!
GREAT WORK!
- LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU KIDS WANT METO TELL YOU WHERE SLASH LIVES?
- PLEASE, SIR,IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.
- WELL, I'M AFRAIDI CAN'T DO THAT, KIDS.
- BUT WE HAVE A BIG DEALWITH EA SPORTS
THAT DEPENDS ON IT.
- COME ON!
KIDS WRITE TO SLASHEVERY DAY.
BUT IT ALL JUST GOES INTOTHIS BIG PILE OVER HERE.
THE REASON I CAN'T TELL YOUWHERE SLASH LIVES
IS BECAUSEHE DON'T LIVE NOWHERE.
DON'T YA EVER WONDER HOW SLASHCAN BE ALL THOSE PLACES
AT THE SAME TIME?
IT'S BECAUSE HE'S MADE UP.
- DON'T SPOIL ITFOR THE KIDS, MARTY!
IT'S UP TO PARENTS TO DECIDE
WHEN TO TELL THEIR CHILDRENSLASH AIN'T REAL.
[telephone rings]
- HELLO?
- DAD, IS SLASH REALOR MAKE BELIEVE?
- OH, DEAR.CLYDE'S ASKING ABOUT SLASH.
- OOH.WELL, THE DAY HAD TO COME.
- CLYDE, THE TRUTH IS,SLASH ISN'T A PERSON.
HE'S MORE LIKE A FEELINGIN YOUR HEART, YOU KNOW?
- SLASH ISN'T REAL.
- GET OUT OF HERE.
- CLYDE, SOMETIMES PEOPLELIKE TO PRETEND
WITH MAKE-BELIEVE CHARACTERS.
HE'S NOT REALLY A LIE.
HE'S LIKE A--- HE'S LIKE LOVE.
PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLDDRESS UP LIKE SLASH
AND HAVE DIFFERENT NAMESFOR SLASH.
THE DUTCH CALL HIM VUNTER SLAUSH.
HE'S MADE UPAND PEOPLE DRESS LIKE HIM
AND PRETEND TO BE HIMTO THEIR KIDS.
- YOUR MOTHER'S DUTCH,YOU KNOW, CLYDE.
HOW DID THAT OL' FOLKSONG GO, HONEY?
- ♪ VUNTER SLAUSH KAPU-SH-KUH ♪
both: ♪ SPEALER IN MEIN SHOON-SKA ♪
- AND SO, 30% OF THE MONEYWE MAKE
OFF OF THE LICENSINGAGREEMENT WITH EA SPORTS
GOES TO THE ORPHANAGEFOR THE NEEDY CRACK BABIES.
DID YOU SEE THE BLUEPRINTS?
THE BABIES WILL HAVE THEIR OWNPUTT-PUTT GOLF COURSE.
WHY DOES IT MATTERHOW MUCH I'M MAKING, STAN?
IF THE CRACK BABIES ARE GETTINGA PLACE TO GROW AND DEVELOP,
WHY DOES MY SALARY MATTER?
- YOU GUYS!YOU GUYS!
WE'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS.
SLASH ISN'T REAL.
- WHAT?
- SLASH ISN'T REAL.
HE'S A MADE-UP PERSONTHAT REPRESENTS
CARE AND GIVING,AND PEOPLE DRESS UP LIKE HIM
AND LIE TO THEIR KIDS.
- SLASH IS MAKE BELIEVE?
- HERE, LOOK FOR YOURSELF.
HE'S BASED ON A FABLE OF A DUTCHSAINT NAMED VUNTER SLAUSH.
- VUNTER SLAUSH?- WHAT?
- BUT THEN WHO PLAYEDAT MY EIGHTH BIRTHDAY PARTY?
- ONE OF OUR PARENTS.
- BUT THEN, WHO WAS THE GUITARPLAYER FOR GUNS AND ROSES?
- ONE OF OUR PARENTS!
- ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?
- YOU GUYSARE TEN YEARS OLD
AND YOU JUST FIGURED OUTTHAT SLASH ISN'T REAL?
OH, MY GOD.- YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS?
- MY PARENTS TOLD ME SLASHWASN'T REAL WHEN I WAS FIVE.
[chuckling] JESUS CHRIST!
- WELL, WHAT THE HECKDO WE DO NOW?
- LOOK, LET'S JUSTGET OUR MONEY FROM EA SPORTS
AND GET OUT OF THIS WHOLETHING ONCE AND FOR ALL!
- [Southern accent] BOYS,I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR BRINGING THE CBAA FRANCHISEHERE TO EA SPORTS.
YOU'VE MADE USA LOT OF MONEY!
- WAIT A MINUTE.
ACCORDING TO THIS, YOU NOWOWN ALL THE RIGHTS
TO CRACK BABY BASKETBALLAND WE GET NOTHING.
- YES, OUR LAWYERSARE DAMN GOOD.
BUT YOU DIDN'T GET NOTHING.
WHY, YOU BOYS GOT EXPERIENCE,DIDN'T YOU?
YOU GOT A CHANCE TO PLAYIN THE BIG LEAGUES.
SURE, WE HERE AT EAMIGHT HAVE MADE ALL THE MONEY,
BUT YOU LITTLE WORKERSHAD A CHANCE
TO MAKE SOMETHIN'OF YOURSELVES.
I'D GIVE YOUSOME FREE VIDEO GAMES,
BUT IT'S AGAINST THE RULES.
- YOU CAN'T DO THIS!
WE WERE GONNA BUILDAN ORPHANAGE
SO THE CRACK BABIESHAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO!
- OH, WELL...FUCK 'EM.
AND FUCK YOU TOO.
I PISS IN YOUR FACES.
- I JUST CAN'T BELIEVESLASH ISN'T REAL.
- I KNOW.
IT'S MESSING WITH MY HEADSO HARD.
- YOU GUYS, WE'VE JUST BEENSCREWED OVER AND LIED TO!
- I KNOW, RIGHT?
I WAS ALWAYS EXTRA GOODBEFORE MY BIRTHDAY TOO
BECAUSE I WAS TOLD SLASHWOULD COME AND PLAY FOR ME.
- WELL, BOYS, THIS HAS BEENREAL EDUCATIONAL AND ALL,
BUT NOW LET'S PART WITH THATOL' EA SPORTS SAYIN'.
GET THE FUCKOUT OF MY BUILDIN'.
[tin can clatters]
- IT'S UNBELIEVABLE, STAN.
EA SPORTS JUST USED USTHE ENTIRE TIME.
WE WORKED FOR NOTHINGAND EA MADE ALL THE MONEY.
NO, I DON'T THINK WE ACTUALLYDESERVED GETTING SCREWED OVER.
BUT--BUT I GUESSMAKING TONS OF MONEY
OFF OF PEOPLEWHO ARE MAKING NOTHING
IS ALWAYS GONNACAUSE PROBLEMS.
I KNOW!I KNOW, RIGHT?
WE MIGHT'VE GOT SCREWED,BUT THE REALLY TRAGIC THING
IS THAT THOSE--THOSE POOR CRACK BABIES
AT THE HOSPITALS ARE JUSTGONNA BE STUCK THERE
WITH NOWHERE TO GO.
NO WAY!
THIS IS IT!- IT'S WHAT?
- THIS IS IT, STAN!
IT'S JUST LIKE I DESIGNED IT!
THERE'S THE MINIATUREGOLF COURSE OVER THERE!
AND THE SLIDES, AND THE--
EXCUSE ME,WHAT IS THIS PLACE?
- ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
ALL THE CRACK BABIESWILL HAVE A HOME NOW.
- BUT WHO PAID FOR ALL THIS?
- KYLE, KYLE!LOOK.
[magical music]
♪
- YOU DON'T THINK THAT--BUT HE ISN'T REAL.
- MAYBE.
OR MAYBE WE HAVEN'T BEEN TOLDSUCH A BIG FIB AFTER ALL.
children:♪ VUNTER SLAUSH KAPU-SH-KUH ♪
♪ SHPEALER IN MEIN SHOON-SKA ♪
♪ HET VAAIT AXL ROSE-A ♪
♪ DANKA VUNTER SLAUSH-A ♪
- HE IS REAL, YOU GUYS.
children:♪ SHPEALER IN MEIN SHOON-SKA ♪
♪ HET VAAIT AXL ROSE-A ♪
- YOU HAVE SOME MIGHTY STRONGLOOKIN' WORKERS HERE, SIR.
I'D BE WILLIN' TO OFFER YA$40 FOR TWO OF THE WHITE ONES
AND 50 FOR THE BLACKS.
- ARE YOU REFERRINGTO OUR STUDENT ATHLETES?
- STUDENT ATH-O-LETES!
HO HO!THAT IS BRILLIANT, SIR!
Crack Baby Athletic Association
s15e05 May 25, 2011
Kyle gets in on the ground floor of Cartman's latest business venture, The Crack Baby Athletic Association.
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