Sexual Healing - Full Episode - Season 14 - Ep 01 | South Park Studios

- AAAAH!- AAH!

AAH!PUT IT DOWN, YOU BITCH!

PUT THE GOLF CLUB DOWN,YOU CRAZY BITCH!

- [Swedish accent]YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

I NEVERSHOULD'VE MARRIED YOU!

- YOU'RE OVERREACTING,YOU STUPID SWEDISH COW!

- THEN WHY THE FUCKARE YOU GETTING THE TEXT MESSAGE

FROM SOME LOW-LIFE HOOKERON THANKSGIVING?

- GOD, SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING PILLS?

- OH, YEAH,TAKE MORE VICODIN, TIGER!

THAT'LL HELP!

- WILL YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME?

- LISTEN TO THIS!

- AAH!YOU FUCKING WHORE!

- WHERE THE FUCKDO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

- I'M GETTING THE FUCKAWAY FROM YOU!

[engine turning]

- OPEN THE DOOR,YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

- OOH, YEAH, CHASE AFTER MEIN THE CAR, KENNY.

- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?- DUDE, CHECK IT OUT.

IT'S E.A. SPORTS TIGER WOODS PGA TOUR 11

FOR XBOX.

- AAH!FUCK YOU, CUNT!

- STOP BREAKINGTHROUGH THE WINDOW, KENNY!

WHOA, I'M GONNA CRASH!I'M GONNA CRASH!

[tires screeching]

- AAH![car alarm blaring]

- AH, LOOK WHAT YOU DID,YOU CRAZY BITCH!

- SERVES YOU RIGHT,YOU CHEATING TURD!

- OH, DUDE,WAS THAT A COMBO MOVE?

- [muffled]

- OH, DUDE, HERE COME THE COPS.WE GOTTA LIE TO THEM.

[sirens wailing]HIT "X" TO LIE.

- WOW, I DIDN'T KNOW GOLF GAMESWERE THIS COOL!

- YEAH, DUDE, E.A. SPORTSOUTDID THEMSELVES THIS TIME.

BECAUSE YOU ARE THE BEST MINDSOUR COUNTRY HAS TO OFFER.

AS YOU HAVE ALL SEENON THE NEWS,

OUR COUNTRYIS FACING A MAJOR CRISIS.

AND WE NEED TO FIND OUTWHAT'S CAUSING IT.

WHY?WHY ARE RICH SUCCESSFUL MEN

SUDDENLY GOING OUT AND TRYINGTO HAVE SEX WITH LOTS OF WOMEN?

- TIGER WOODS WAS ONLYTHE MOST PREVALENT,

BUT OUR DATA SHOWSTHAT THE NUMBERS ARE GROWING.

DAVID LETTERMAN,AND BEFORE THAT, BILL CLINTON.

THERE'SA PATTERN HERE, PEOPLE.

- WHY WOULD A MAN WHO'S FAMOUSAND MAKES TONS OF MONEY

USE THAT TO TRY AND HAVE SEXWITH LOTS OF DIFFERENT WOMEN?

- AND THESE RICH CELEBRITIES

HAVE PERFECTLY GOOD WIVESAT HOME!

WHY WOULD THEY EVEN THINKOF SEX WITH OTHERS?

DAMN IT...

I WANT ANSWERS.

- WE BELIEVETHAT IT MAY BE AN OUTBREAK

OF SEX ADDICTION, SIR.

- SEX-A-WHOO-HOO?

- IT'S A NEW PHENOMENA WE DON'TCOMPLETELY UNDERSTAND YET.

BUT IT SEEMS TO MAKE PEOPLE...

DIFFERENT.

OF COURSE, WE ALL KNOWTHE NORMAL HEALTHY MALE

THINKS ONLYOF SEX OCCASIONALLY

AND HAS NO DESIRE FOR SEXWITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS.

[all agreeing]

- DEFINITELY TRUE.

- YES, WE ALL KNOW THAT.GO ON.

- BUT IN THE SEX ADDICT,

THEIR ENTIRE LIVESARE CONSUMED

WITH THOUGHTSOF WANTING MORE AND MORE.

THE MERE SIGHTOF AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN

CAN--CAN MAKE HIM THINKABOUT SEX WITH HER.

- BUT WHAT ABOUT LOVE?

HOW COULD TONS OF FAME AND MONEYMAKE YOU FORGET ABOUT LOVE?

- WHAT COULD BE CAUSING

THIS OUTBREAKOF SEXUAL ADDICTION?

- IT COULD BE CAUSED BYSOMETHING IN THE WATER SUPPLY,

UH, PERHAPS EVENBY GLOBAL WARMING.

- OR COOLING.- YES.

- IF SO, THEN THE DISEASE

COULD START TO AFFECTOUR CHILDREN.

- THAT DOES IT.

I WANT HEALTH SCREENINGSAT ALL OUR NATION'S SCHOOLS.

WE NEED TO FIND OUTIF ANY YOUNG PEOPLE

MIGHT BE CARRYINGTHIS DISEASE.

WE ARE GOING TO BE DOINGA HEALTH SCREENING TODAY.

IT WON'T TAKE LONGAND WILL BE RELATIVELY PAINLESS,

BUT WE NEED TO SEE IF ANYSTUDENTS ARE SHOWING SYMPTOMS.

IN A MOMENT,I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU

A SUGGESTIVE PICTURE,

AND THEN I AM GOING TO ASK YOUA QUESTION ABOUT THE PICTURE.

ALL RIGHT, READY?

HERE WE GO.

[all gasp]

- WHAT?- EW!

- [muffled cheering]- JESUS, DUDE.

- HOLY MOLY, WHAT'S THATBETWEEN THE LADY'S LEGS?

IT'S ALL BUSHY!

- PLEASE JUST STUDY THE PICTURETHE BEST YOU CAN, STUDENTS.

I'LL THEN ASK YOU A QUESTION

WHICH YOU'LL ANSWERON THE PAPER PROVIDED.

- I'VE NEVER SEENTHAT PART OF A LADY!

DO THEY ALL GOTA HEDGE LIKE THAT?

DO THEY?

- OKAY, VERY GOOD.

NOW, WHAT COLOR...

WAS THE HANDKERCHIEFIN THE NICE LADY'S HAND?

WRITE DOWNYOUR ANSWER, PLEASE.

WHAT COLOR WAS THE HANDKERCHIEFIN THE NICE LADY'S HAND?

- DID YOU SEE THE BUSHON THAT LADY?

WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?

- VERY GOOD.TURN YOUR ANSWERS OVER, PLEASE.

- GEE WHIZ, IT WAS, LIKE,ALMOST UP TO HER BELLY BUTTON.

- ALL RIGHT.NOW...

WHO ANSWERED THATTHE HANDKERCHIEF WAS YELLOW?

VERY GOOD.VERY GOOD, INDEED.

NOW I'D LIKE TO SEE WHOANSWERED, "WHAT HANDKERCHIEF?"

AHA.

YOU THREE BOYS,PLEASE COME WITH ME.

- I DIDN'T SEEA HANDKERCHIEF.

DID YOU SEEA HANDKERCHIEF, KENNY?

- [muffled]

- I'M SORRY, BOYS,BUT I'M AFRAID YOU THREE

HAVE TESTED POSITIVEFOR SEX ADDICTION.

- WHAT?- OH, NO!

- [muffled]

- WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SENDYOU HOME, I'M AFRAID.

- WAIT, WE'RE SEX ADDICTS?

ARE YOU SURE?

- OUR "NICE LADYWITH A HANDKERCHIEF" TEST

IS EXTREMELY COMPREHENSIVEAND THOROUGH.

I'M SORRY, BUT YOU'RE SIMPLYTOO DANGEROUS

TO HAVE AROUND NORMAL,WELL-ADJUSTED STUDENTS.

- IT WAS JUST...

SO BIG AND BUSHY, SIR!

WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE THAT?

- SO WHAT HAPPENS TO US NOW?

- [sighs]

A LIFE OF DESPERATIONAND ANGUISH, I'M AFRAID.

YOUR ADDICTIONWILL START OFF SLOWLY--

MAGAZINES,INTERNET SITES.

BUT THEN AS YOU KEEPCHASING YOUR HIGH,

YOUR TASTES WILL GETMORE AND MORE DANGEROUS.

MOST LIKELY YOU'LL END UPGOING THE WAY

OF DAVID CARRADINEAND MICHAEL HUTCHENCE--

AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION.

- [muffled]AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION?

WHAT'S THAT?

- I DON'T WANT TO GOINTO TOO MUCH DETAIL,

BUT YOU CHOKE YOURSELFWITH A BELT AROUND YOUR NECK

WHILE MASTURBATING DRESSED UPLIKE BATMAN OR SOMETHING.

THEN YOU PASS OUTFROM LACK OF AIR,

AND APPARENTLY IT MAKESYOUR ORGASM SUPER AWESOME.

- [muffled]- OH, NO.

I DON'T WANNA HAVETO BUY A BATMAN COSTUME.

WE'VE BEEN SCREENINGOUR NATION'S SCHOOLS

FOR SIGNS OF SEX ADDITION.

THE RESULTS OF OUR TESTSARE TROUBLING, TO SAY THE LEAST.

DR. TONTON?

- IN FOURTH GRADERS,5% OF MALE STUDENTS

WERE FOUNDTO BE SEX ADDICTS.

BY SIXTH GRADE,THE NUMBER GOES UP TO 30%.

AT HIGH SCHOOLS,

NEARLY 91%OF MALE STUDENTS ANSWERED

"WHAT HANDKERCHIEF?"

- WE ARE FACING A SEX-ADDICTIONEPIDEMIC IN OUR COUNTRY.

YOUNG PEOPLE ALL OVER AMERICAARE INFECTED

AND AT EXTREME RISKTO THEMSELVES

AND TO THE PEOPLEAROUND THEM.

THEY ARE LEADING LIVESOF SECRET PAIN.

- AND SO THESE INFECTED BOYSWILL SOON BE SECRETLY WISHING

THEY COULD BE HAVING SEXALL THE TIME

WITH LOTSOF DIFFERENT PEOPLE?

- IT APPEARS SO.

- THE POOR BASTARDS.

- BUT WHAT ABOUT USNORMAL, HEALTHY ADULTS?

ARE WE AT RISK OF EXPOSURE?

- WE DON'T BELIEVE SO.

IN ADULT MALES,FOR WHATEVER REASON,

SEX ADDICTION ONLY SEEMSTO BE PROBLEMATIC

AMONGST RICH,SUCCESSFUL CELEBRITIES.

HOWEVER, WE ARE STILLCOLLECTING DATA...

- WHY WOULD WEALTH OR SUCCESSCAUSE A MAN TO GO OUT

AND HAVE SEXWITH EVERYONE HE COULD?

- WHATEVER IS CAUSINGTHIS OUTBREAK,

WE GUARANTEEWE WILL FIND IT.

- KENNY,IT'S TIME FOR DINNER!

KENNY?

[gasps]

AAH!

- SUNSET AND EVENING STAR,

AND ONE CLEAR CALL FOR ME,

AND MAY THERE BENO MOANING OF THE BAR...

- OH, MY GOD,IT'S TRUE.

- BUT SUCH A TIDEAS MOVING SEEMS ASLEEP,

TOO FULL FOR SOUND AND FOAM,- [crying]

- WHEN THAT WHICH DREWFROM OUT THE BOUNDLESS DEEP.

- THERE!IT WAS LIKE THAT!

IT LOOKED JUST LIKE THAT!

JUST LIKE THISBUT--BUT SMALLER!

AND RIGHT IN THE PLACEHER UNDERWEAR SHOULD'VE BEEN.

IF I TRIM IT DOWN,IT'LL LOOK RIGHT.

- BUTTERS, BUTTERS,STOP IT!

- BUT THIS IS WHATI KEEP SEEING IN MY HEAD.

- BUTTERS, WE ARE SICK.DON'T YOU GET IT?

WE'RE GOING TO END UPJUST LIKE KENNY!

- NO, IF I CAN JUST SEE ITAGAIN, I-I'LL BE FINE!

- NO!BUTTERS, STOP!

- AH!LEAVE ME ALONE!

- STOP IT!STOP!

[both grunting]

- OH, GOD!

OH, GOD, HELP US!

[both crying]

- TIGER LINES UP HIS DRIVE.

HE'LL BE HOPINGFOR A BIRDIE HERE.

CONCENTRATION IS KEY.

- YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

I NEVERSHOULD'VE MARRIED YOU!

- AAH!GOD DAMN IT, STOP IT!

- HOW MANY WOMENDID YOU FUCK?

HOW MANY?

- OH, DUDE,I CLOCKED YOU!

- I TOLD YOUTHIS GAME WAS SWEET, DUDE.

- HANG ON, HANG ON.

I'M--I'M SWITCHINGTO A SEVEN IRON.

[beeping, click]

- OH! OH! OH, MAN, I LOSTANOTHER ENDORSEMENT!

HOW'D YOU DO THAT?- HIT "A" AND "X" TOGETHER.

- OH, YOU'RE GOING DOWN, ELIN!

- I DON'T THINK SO, DUDE.I GOT THE PRENUP POWER-UP.

- OH, NO!PRENUP, WEAK!

WHEN DID YOU GETTHAT POWER-UP?

WHAT OTHER DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORSDID WE ENGAGE IN

WHICH LEDTO OUR ULTIMATE DOWNFALL?

ANYONE HAVE ANOTHER EXAMPLE?

LET'S SEE, HOW ABOUT DAVID?

- [chuckles]UH...

HAVING SEX WITH EMPLOYEES.

- SEX WITH EMPLOYEES,DEFINITELY A DANGER THERE.

WHAT ELSE?UH, MR. CLINTON?

- PUTTING CIGARSIN GIRLS' VAGINAS.

- VERY GOOD, BILLY.

CIGARS IN VAGINAS--NOT THE BEST IDEA THERE.

- WATCHING INTERNET PORNALL DAY EVERY DAY?

- SPOT ON, CHARLIE SHEEN--

EXCESSIVE INTERNET PORN.

NOW, THE REASONWE ARE MAKING THIS LIST

IS THAT WE HAVENEW MEMBERS TODAY.

I WANT YOU ALLTO WELCOME KYLE AND "BUMMERS."

- HELLO.all: HEY, KYLE.

- AND WOULD YOU CARE TO SHAREYOUR STORIES WITH US, BOYS?

- WELL...

I JUST FOUND OUTI'M A SEX ADDICT.

I'M SO SCARED.I HAVEN'T EVEN TOLD MY MOM YET.

- DOES YOUR MOMHAVE BIG TITS?

- BILLY!- SORRY.

- ME, I JUST...

I JUST CAN'T STOP THINKINGABOUT BUSH.

- I HEARD THAT.

- I MEAN, IT'S LIKE,WHAT IS IT?

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

WHY WOULD THERE BEA BUSH RIGHT THERE?

IS IT A LIVE BUSH?ARE THERE BERRIES?

- MR. DUCHOVNY,PLEASE STOP JERKING OFF.

- AH, GEE WHIZ.

WE'VE BEEN RUNNING TESTSON CHIMPANZEES.

YOU CAN SEE THAT THIS ENTIRECOMMUNITY OF SPECIMENS

ARE GETTING ALONG NORMALLY--

SOME PAIRING OFF,OTHERS ON THEIR OWN.

BUT NOW, SEE THIS CHIMP HERE?

AN AVERAGE,NORMAL ADULT MALE,

BLENDING IN SEAMLESSLYWITH THE OTHERS.

NOW WATCH.

WE'RE GOING TO GIVE ITA LOT OF MONEY.

GO AHEAD.

- [chattering]

[chattering excitedly]

[all chattering, screaming]

- MY GOD.

- YES.

[chattering,screaming continue]

- [chattering loudly]

[all chattering excitedly]

- THE SUBJECT IS NOWISOLATED AND SHUNNED.

- INCREDIBLE.AND--AND WHAT'S IT DOING NOW?

- MAKING A PUBLIC APOLOGYON ITS TALK SHOW.

- [chattering]

THAT GOT USINTO THIS PREDICAMENT, DON'T WE?

WHAT IS THE MAIN THINGWE'VE ALL LEARNED TO AVOID?

YES, TIGER.

- AVOID DRUGS AND ALCOHOL?

[all groan]

- NO, NO, TIGER,YOU STILL AREN'T GETTING IT.

IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE WE ARENO LONGER DESTROYING OUR LIVES

WITH ANY OF THESE BEHAVIORS,WE MUST AVOID--

ANYONE?

AVOID GETTING--ANYONE?

- CAUGHT.

- YES, MICHAEL DOUGLAS.EVERYONE.

all:GETTING CAUGHT.

- VERY GOOD.

YOU ARE ALL HERE IN THERAPY

BECAUSE YOU GOT CAUGHT.

SO HOW DO WE AVOIDGETTING CAUGHT.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER.

- DON'T SCREW GIRLSIN THE PUBLIC BATHROOMS?

- WHEN THEY, UH, ASK YOUFOR MONEY, PAY THEM.

- GOOD, YES.

- WHOA, HANG ON.

WE SHOULDN'T BE LEARNINGHOW NOT TO GET CAUGHT.

WE HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITYFOR OUR ACTIONS.

- WHAT THE FUCKARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- WELL, I MEAN,WE HAVE TO ACCEPT

THAT WE HAVE A PROBLEM

AND PUT THE BLAMECOMPLETELY ON OURSELVES.

I MEAN, MAYBE THISISN'T REALLY EVEN A DISEASE.

[keypad beeping]

- YEAH, IT'S ME.

WE'VE GOT A TURDIN THE PUNCH BOWL.

I REPEAT, WE HAVE A TURDIN THE PUNCH BOWL.

THE MONKEYS WHO WERE GIVEN CASHALWAYS ACTED OUT

THEIR SEXUAL ADDICTIONTO DANGEROUS LEVELS.

IT APPEARS THAT MONEYHAS A DIRECT EFFECT

ON THE VIRUS' ABILITYTO DEVELOP.

- SO WE MUST KEEPOUR NATION'S YOUTH

AWAY FROM MONEY AND SUCCESS.

- NO GOOD,MR. PRESIDENT,

BECAUSE WE'VE LEARNEDTHAT SEX ADDICTS WILL FIND WAYS

TO MAKE MONEYAND BECOME SUCCESSFUL

IN ORDER TO FEEDTHEIR ADDICTION.

- YOU MEAN BOYSWILL START WORKING

TOWARDS BEING RICHAND SUCCESSFUL

JUST SO THEY CAN ONE DAYHAVE SEX WITH LOTS OF WOMEN?

- YES.

THAT'S WHY WE DECIDED TO LOOKAT THE CASH ITSELF FOR CLUES.

WE TRIED TO FIND SOMETHINGIN THE $100 BILLS

THAT COULD EXPLAINWHY THIS IS HAPPENING NOW.

THEN WE LOOKED AT THE BACK SIDEAND FOUND THIS.

- INDEPENDENCE HALL--

THE BIRTHPLACEOF OUR COUNTRY.

- WE BELIEVE SOMETHING ISHAPPENING AT INDEPENDENCE HALL

THAT GIVES MONEYITS POWER OVER MEN.

- INDEPENDENCE HALL...

INDEPENDENCE DAY...

ALIENS...

GENTLEMEN,I MIGHT KNOW WHAT'S CAUSING

THE SEX-ADDICTION OUTBREAK.

THIS IS HIGHLY CLASSIFIED,BUT IN 1947,

A FLYING SAUCER WAS DISCOVEREDIN ROSWELL, NEW MEXICO.

TWO DECEASED ALIEN BODIESWERE RECOVERED

AND HIDDENFROM PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE.

THEY CARRIED A VIRUS WITH THEM,

A VIRUS THAT APPARENTLYWAS ONLY BARELY STOPPED

FROM SPREADINGALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

- AND YOU THINK THESE ALIENSCOULD BE BACK WITH A NEW VIRUS,

ONE ORIGINATINGFROM INDEPENDENCE HALL,

CAUSING RICH, SUCCESSFUL MENTO HAVE SEX WITH LOTS OF WOMEN?

- IT'S THE ONLY EXPLANATIONTHAT MAKES ANY SENSE.

- I WANT TO SAYTHAT I AM DEEPLY SORRY

FOR MY IRRESPONSIBLEAND SELFISH BEHAVIOR.

I KNOW I HAVE SEVERELYDISAPPOINTED ALL OF YOU.

SOME HAVE SPECULATEDTHAT MY WIFE SOMEHOW HURT

OR ATTACKED MEON THANKSGIVING NIGHT.

IT ANGERS ME THAT PEOPLE WOULDFABRICATE A STORY LIKE THAT.

SHE HAS SHOWN NOTHINGBUT GRACE AND POISE.

- YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

- OH, NO!

- I SHOULD'VE NEVERMARRIED YOU!

- AAH!STOP IT!

- A PORN STAR?

YOU SCREWED A PORN STAR?

- OH, DUDE, YOU FOUNDANOTHER GIRL'S PHONE NUMBER

ON MY CELL PHONE?

- YEAH, BACKIN THAT WATER LEVEL.

- IS KYLE STILLAT SEX-ADDICTION THERAPY?

THAT MUST BE REALLY INTENSE.

- OKAY, SO WHAT EXACTLYARE WE DOING NOW?

- WE ARE ON OUR WAYTO HELP TAKE CARE

OF YOUR DISEASESONCE AND FOR ALL.

- OH, GOOD, 'CAUSE I REALLYCAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

- DON'T WORRY.

AS SOON AS IT'S DEAD,EVERYTHING WILL MAKE SENSE.

- AS SOON AS WHAT'S DEAD?

[all groan]- HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT.

- THE INFECTED ALIENTHAT THEY JUST DISCOVERED

IS HIDING OUTAT INDEPENDENCE HALL!

[sirens whooping]

[guns cocking]

- ENTRANCE IS CLEAR,MR. PRESIDENT.

- MR. PRESIDENT,YOU AREN'T SAFE HERE.

LET US HANDLE THIS.

- RIGHT SIDE, CLEAR!

- WE MUST BE CAREFUL.

THE ALIEN COULD'VE CAST

SOME KIND OF SPELLOF INVISIBILITY.

- WHICH WOULD MEANTHAT THE ALIEN IS ALSO A WIZARD.

- YES,IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.

A WIZARD ALIEN WOULD BE ABLETO CAST A SPELL ON OUR SPECIES,

CAUSING ALL THE MENTO BECOME SEX ADDICTS.

- ENOUGH!

WE HAVE TO FIND THE WIZARD ALIENAND BREAK HIS SPELL.

- OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT,ALL RIGHT, HANG--HANG ON, GUYS.

I MEAN, COME ON, THIS IS GETTINGA LITTLE RIDICULOUS.

WIZARD ALIEN?

WE ALL KNOWWHAT'S GOING ON HERE, DON'T WE?

WHENEVER A STORY BREAKSABOUT SOME RICH, FAMOUS GUY

GOING AROUND AND HAVING SEXWITH TONS OF GIRLS,

WE ALL WANT TO ACTLIKE WE DON'T UNDERSTAND IT,

BUT WE DO.

WE'RE GUYS, YOU KNOW?

OUR BRAINS ARE WIRED TO STRIVETO BE THE ALPHA MALE

AND GET ALL THE WOMEN WE CAN.

I MEAN, LOOK WHERE WE ARE.

EVEN--EVEN BENJAMIN FRANKLINSCREWED EVERYTHING THAT MOVED,

BECAUSE HE COULD.

WE DON'T HAVE TO CONDONE

WHAT THESE RICH,FAMOUS PEOPLE DO,

BUT WE CAN AT LEAST ADMIT

THAT GIVEN THE SAME TEMPTATIONSAND OPPORTUNITIES

THAT SOMEBODYLIKE TIGER WOODS HAS,

A LOT OF US GUYSMIGHT DO SOMETHING SIMILAR.

- WE HAVE A TURDIN THE PUNCH BOWL.

- TURD IN THE PUNCH BOWL.

- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?NO, NO, COME ON!

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?

- TEN CITY BLOCKSHAVE BEEN SHUT DOWN

HERE IN INDEPENDENCE HALL.

BY ALL ACCOUNTS,THE ALIEN IS ALSO A WIZARD

WHO COULD VERY EASILY BETHE CAUSE OF THE OUTBREAK

OF SEX ADDICTIONIN OUR COUNTRY!

- MR. PRESIDENT,HERE THEY ARE.

THIS IS THE BOYI TOLD YOU ABOUT

AND HIS FRIEND "BUMMERS."

- SON, WE WERE TOLDTHAT YOU THINK SEX ADDITION

CAN BE CONTROLLED,THAT IT JUST TAKES RESTRAINT.

IS THAT TRUE?

- I JUST THINKI'D RATHER CONTROL IT

INSTEAD OF BLAME ITON ANYTHING.

- AMAZING.

THEN THE WIZARD-ALIEN SPELL

MIGHT NOT HAVEANY POWER OVER HIM.

HE COULD DRAWTHE BASTARD OUT!

- QUICK,GIVE THAT BOY A GUN.

- WHAT?- YOU BETTER TAKE ONE TOO.

- ALL RIGHT,EVERYONE TO THE STAIRWELL.

THE BASTARD'SGOTTA BE UPSTAIRS.

- WHAT BASTARD?

- THE ALIEN WIZARDHIDING OUT HERE.

COME ON, WE'VE GOT TO--[distant moaning]

- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

- I GOT A BAD FEELINGABOUT THIS.

- [moaning loudly]

- OH, MY GOD,THERE IT IS!

- IT'S THE ALIEN WIZARD!IT'S GONNA GET YOU BOYS!

SHOOT IT!

- [muffled shouting]

- SHOOT IT, BOYS!- YOU HAVE TO SHOOT IT!

- [continues shouting]

- SHOOT IT AGAIN!IT'S STILL ALIVE!

- YOU GOTTA RELOAD!

- [continues shouting]

- KEEP FIRING, BOYS!SHOOT IT IN THE HEART!

- KEEP SHOOTING IT!

- SHOOT HIMIN HIS BLABBERMOUTH!

- [groaning loudly]

[groaning stops]

- MY GOD,THEY'VE DONE IT!

all:OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!

- LOOK, THE SEX ADDICTION--IT'S LEAVING MY BODY.

- I CAN FEEL IT.I'M FREE.

- WE ARE HEALED!

- ♪ MAKING LOVE,LET'S GET DOWN TONIGHT ♪

IT DEVASTATED FAMILIES.

BUT ONCE AGAIN, OUR GREATCOUNTRY HAS RISEN UP AS ONE.

THE WIZARD ALIEN IS DEAD.

SEX ADDICTION IS NO MORE.

AND IF A RICH CELEBRITYIS CAUGHT AGAIN

TRYING TO SCREW LOTS OF WOMEN,

WE WILL KNOW IT ISN'TBECAUSE MEN ARE JUST LIKE THAT.

IT'S BECAUSE A WIZARD ALIENHAS CAST HIS MIGHTY SPELL.

[cheers and applause]

- OH, I'M SO GLAD IT'S OVER,SHARON, AREN'T YOU?

- WE ARE NOW WITH THE YOUNG BOYSWHO HELPED STOP THE ALIEN.

BOYS, HOW DOES IT FEELTO BE FREE OF YOUR ILLNESS?

- I GUESS IT FEELS GREAT.

THANKS.

- YEAH, IT FEELS GREAT!I NEVER WANNA SEE BUSH AGAIN!

I FINALLY PAID A LADYTO SHOW ME HERS.

YOU WANNA KNOWWHAT'S UNDER THAT BUSH?

NOTHING BUT A PAIROF SICK JOKER LIPS!

- I AM SO HAPPYTHAT I AM CURED

AND NO LONGER HAVE ANY DESIRETO HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE

BUT MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE.

NOW I CAN BE FAITHFUL,

AND MY WIFE WON'T FEELANY NEED TO GET REVENGE

BY SLEEPINGWITH A BUNCH OF GUYS.

- ♪ I GOT SICK THIS MORNING

♪ A SEA WAS STORMING...

- SO I OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCEMY RETURN TO GOLF!

[cheers and applause]

- WHAT THE HELL?THIS GAME'S ALL BORING NOW.

- YEAH, WHERE'SALL THE FIGHTING?

- DUDE, SCREW THIS.

WHO WANTS TO HITA DUMB, LITTLE BALL AROUND?

- YEAH, GOLF IS STUPID AGAIN.