All right, that's2.8 centimeters.
Should give usa drag of only...
Hold the fronthere, Stan.
Hey, guys,it's almost 2:00 a.m.
We know !
Well, it's way pasttime for bed.
Sharon, Stan's PinewoodDerby Race is tomorrow.
Do you have any idea howimportant this is to him ?!
Stan is not gonna lose
to the GoddamnHollises again !
Well, it's just a block ofwood and some wheels.
I don't think there's thatmuch more you can do with it.
That's 'causeyou're a chick !
Now justleave us alone !
Don't worry, son.
The Hollises are notbeating us this year.
I went and got somethingto put inside our car
and make itgo extra fast.
Dad, we're not allowed toadd anything to the car
that doesn't come inthe approved kit, remember ?
Stan, how do you think theHollises beat us every year ?
I'm sure they put lead inthe wood or something.
We're justleveling the playing field.
There.What is that ?
It's-- it's nothing,really.
Tom, I'm standing outside
where authorities are shocked
and baffledover the theft
of a superconductingbending magnet
created for use in testswith particle acceleration.
Oh, no, he didn't.
The superconducting magnetwas stolen sometime last week.
Surveillance cameras were ableto record the theft on tape
and police are now looking for
Princess Leia Organaof Alderaan.
Caught here in these photos,the troubled Rebel princess
is seen takingthe superconducting magnet
and then appearing disoriented
as she tries tofind her way out.
If you have any information ofPrincess Leia's whereabouts
please call yourlocal police department.
( man )All right, scouts and dads,the racing continues.
in three, two, one--race !
2.1 Seconds for Tommy Bretz !
Looks like we havea new leader, folks !
All right !All right !
All right, Stan,we're gonna need to check in
and have our car inspectedto qualify.
Now, son, daddy needsto teach you something
very important about"tells."
When you tell them you onlyused the approved kit,
don't look up and away,
don't rub your neckand don't touch your ear.
Otherwise, they'll know you'relying to them, all right ?
Whenever you need to lie,just don't look up and away,
rub your neck ortouch your ear.
Dad, maybe we shouldjust take out the thing
you put in the car--
Son, you have to learnhow to lie correctly some day,
might as well be today,all right ?
I love you, son.
Thank youand good luck today.
All right next, please.
It's, uh, Marsh.
All right, car weighsin at 15 ounces.
Do you hereby swearthat you used parts
in the officialPinewood Derby kit
and only parts in the officialPinewood Derby kit ?
( whispering )Yes, I do.Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
All right, young man,good luck today.
Oooh, yesssssss !
You guys race already ?
No, little Emmetthasn't gone yet.
Think they'resaving the best for last.
Clocked her in at homeat 1.5 seconds.
It's the fastestcar we've ever built.
The time to beatis 1.9 seconds.
May we please have...
Brewster, Marsh,Jarvis and Hollis.
Only fitting our boysshould be going head-to-head
for their match,hey, Marsh ?
Come on, Stan,you can do this !
All right, kids,are you ready ?
Here we go, last race forthe state championship in
three... two... one...
You got it, Emmett !
Oh, yeah !
Oh, yeah !
Suck on that, Hollis !
( announcer )This is 9 News at ten.
at the Pinewood Derby.
Stan and Randy Marsh notonly broke a speed record,
but actually appear to havebent time and space
and discovered warp speed.
A parade was held for the winners earlier today.
And already offers for commercials
and endorsement deals
for the father and son appear to be pouring in.
Dad, I just want you toknow, I still love you.
( gun cocking )
( gunshot )
He's okay, he's okay,
he's okay,he's okay, he's okay !
Stan Marsh ?
I'm Agent Clarkand this is Agent Marx.
We'd like to talk to you aboutyour Pinewood Derby car.
Young man, what we'reabout to tell you
is a matter ofnational security.
Yesterday, every governmentand embassy on Earth
was contacted by...an alien life force.
Apparently, the alien cameacross your Pinewood Derby car
and it's now headedto our planet.
What does it want ?
We believe that theyintend to welcome us
into the Galactic Federationof Planets.
They will wantto meet the people
who discovered warp speedfor our species.
Stan, did you use allthe damn toilet paper again ?
Oh, crap !
What ?!What do you guys want ?!
We said we only usedwhat was in the kit !
You got nothing on us !
You got nothing onussssss !
Dad, they aren't herefor that !
Hi, I'm Randy Marsh.
Mr. Marsh, we were justtelling your son
that thanks to you
we have made firstcontact with alien life.
Hey-- hey, Sharon !
NASA has confirmedthat an alien ship
has entered our solar systemand is headed here.
So guess what.
Our Pinewood Derby carfound alien life in space.
What ?Oh, my God !
Yeah, but I guess it'sjust a dumb, little race
like you said,huh, Sharon ?
The world holds its breath
as an alien shipprepares to land.
Now that our planet hasachieved warp speed,
we are about to welcomedinto the universal society,
all thanks to a father and sonwho broke the warp barrier
using only the parts inthis Pinewood Derby car kit.
Mr. Marsh, you are on withall the world leaders.
God speed, Mr. Marsh.
The nation of Franceis with you !
Good ruck wis arien, Missa Marsh !
Prease say harro from-a China !
Uh, okay, oh, stand by.
I think it's--I think it's landing.
Our first encounter withextraterrestrial life
is about to happen.
Will it be like in "Star Trek: First Contact"
or will it be more like "Contact" with Jodie Foster ?
I seek the life formsthat made this.
That's ours, Mr. Alien.
We are the Marshes,Randy and Stan.
Oh, yeah ?
You're gonna build meanother one, see ?!
He's got a gun !
Everyone down onthe ground !
Get those hands up !Let me see those hands !
Do it now !
I mean it,show me those hands !
I'm Baby Fark McGee-zax !
The greatest gangsterthis universe
has ever seen, right ?!
You can't threaten us !
Who wants it next, huh ?!
( screaming )
Anyone else on this planet wanna be a hero ?!
( screaming )
What do you want ?!
I'm on the lam !
I got the entire Federationof Planets after me,
but they ain't gonnacatch me, you got that ?
They might've bustedmy warp drive
but you obviouslyknow how to make 'em !
Screw this guy !
He can't take outall of us !
I can kill any mug on thistwo-bit planet I want !
Oooh !Dame Dame !Abunaiiii !
You build me a new warp drive
or you'll allgonna get it, see ?!
Fine, he can buildyou want you want.
All he needs is the officialPinewood Derby kit.
Right, Marsh ?!
Uh, yeah, that's allwe need, huh, Stan ?
Okay, let's putthe wheels on now, son.
What's taking so long ?!
You're stallin' !
Come on, Randy,just build him the warp drive
and he'll leave us alone !
We're working on it !
Dad-- Dad, you know we can'tmake the car go as fast
as before with only theapproved Pinewood Derby kit.
Yeah, thanks, Stan,I know that !
Well, we have to tell him weused something outside the kit.
Do you have any ideahow stupid
that willmake us look ?!
All right, that does it !
( cell phone ringing )
He just-a blew up ourgovernment-a building !
You've got-a hurry !
Mr. Marsh, why won't you finishthe Pinewood Derby car ?!
Will you just give usa minute ?!
Come on, Dad,we gotta come clean.
( siren blaring )
Aw Zats !
It's the IntergalacticPolice !
You better get rid of 'em
or your whole planetis gonna get it, see ?!
You tell 'em you ain't seennothin', you got that ?!
I ain't goin'to space jail !
Excuse us, earthlings,but we've been in pursuit
of a criminal fromthe Xenon galaxy.
Fella by the nameof Baby Fark McGee-zax ?
We haven't seen anything.
Well, you think anyone elseon your planet
might have seen him ?
Uh, actually, I happento be on the phone
with all the world leaders.
I can ask.
Uh, yeah, listen these,uh, police aliens are here
and they're wondering if anyonehas seen an alien
named Baby Fark McGee-zax.
No, no, we haven'tseen arien.
We've seennothing here in France.
Sorry, nobody in the worldhas seen anything.
Uh, what did thiscriminal alien do, exactly ?
He stole over 600 parsonsof space cash
from the Universal bank.
You're absolutely sure youdidn't see an alien land here.
No, we're sure.
So then... we're the firstaliens you've ever seen.
That's right, yup,you're the first ones.
You don't seem that excited
about your firstcontact with alien life.
That's-- that's right !Oh, my god !
Hey, everybody,we just made first contact !
If you do see anysign of the other alien
or the space cash you'll--
We will give you a call !
Mathematical semi-tonalis fine.
( sirens blaring )
Huh.Something wrong, sir ?
I don't know, Daverd.
Just something about thatplanet didn't feel right.
like you did before.
I don't need it painted !
I just need itfunctional, right ?!
Hey, the right paint jobis a big part of
what makes aPinewood Derby car go fast.
I swear, if you don't havethat thing working
in three minutes, thiswhole planet is done for !
Dad, it's over.
We have to tell everyonewe cheated.
No, I've got itall figured out, son.
You have to killthe alien.
Kill the alien ?!Shh !
I've been filing down thispiece of metal into a shank.
I'm gonna call him over hereto look at the car.
When I do,you shove that in his neck.
No, Dad, we don't evenknow what'll happen !
What are you twowhisperin' about, right ?!
Uh, no, that's it,we're done !
Here, come take a look !
Here, see ?
Look real closethat the axles here.
All right,you got him, son !
All right, men,check the ship !
You see, Stan ?
What did daddytell you ?
Everything worked out.
I guess so.
It just still doesn'tfeel right.
But Stan it's over now.
We'll never have tolie again.
( man )Hey, Marsh, get in here !
Can you believe it ?
Oh, my God.
Looks like thosealien cops were right.
Guess you should callthem back now.
Or what if wedidn't call the cops ?
I mean, this is a lot ofspace cash, guys.
Think what wecould do with it.
No, Dad--He's right.
We don't have tocall the police back.
All right, let's getthe cash put into boxes.
Will you relax, Stan ?
( cell phone ringing )
Don't sinkyou can keep
allspace cashfor yourselves.
This is all of our planet.
The space cash belongsto all of us !
Either Americashares that space cash
with the rest of the world,
or we will tellthe space cops !
All right, fine, look,
there's plenty of space cashto go around.
Thanks to us,our planet is rich, son !
Oh, no, no, China,we get to keep the ship.
Because we killed the alien,you boner.
Oh, come on, England,you got just as much of
the space cash aseveryone else.
( sirens blaring )
Oh, crap,it's the cops !
Hang on !
Oh, hey, space officers.
Looks like the alien criminaldid land here after all.
Oh, that-- you were talkingabout that alien ?
Oh, yeah, that one,he was here, yeah,
he landed here,but we-- we killed him.
And so did you findthe missing space cash ?
No-- space cash, no.
There wasn't anyspace cash.
Well, maybe someone elseon your planet
knows where it is.
Hey, uh, any of you othercountries see any space cash ?
No, space cashNo way.No, no.No, space cash.
Yeah, doesn't look likethe space cash was ever here.
Guess he must of dropped itoff at some other planet.
Well, you folksall take care now.
Just one more thing,Earthlings.
Uh, we had someimages done of your planet
and it appears that oneof your poorer countries,
Mexico, has built32 new hospitals
and seven water parksin last four days...
Yeah, Mexico, you know--
oh, oh, yeah, all usother countries chipped in
and gave Mexico some aid.
Yeah, they reallyneeded... new water parks.
Have a good day.
( sirens blaring )
Hey-- hey, Mexico !
We said no spendingthe space cash yet !
What the hell are you doing ?!
Will some countrythat speaks Spanish
yell at Mexico please ?!
No, Japan !
Will you listen to mefor five seconds ?!
If you keepbuilding giant robots,
the cops are gonnaask questions !
Well, then why can Engrandbuild necrer power prant ?!
Nobody can build anything !
Yeah, well, it's noteven gonna matter,
because Finlandis thinking about telling
the space cops the truth !
Wha ?!Finland !
We believe the aliensare going to find out
sooner or laterwhat we did.
It's best we come clean now.
Will you just relax,Finland ?
Nobody's gonnafind out anything.
I'm sorry, but our nationis resolved.
We cannot live withthe guilt any more.
Okay, okay, you're right,you're right, Finland, okay.
Can you justlet us other countries
talk for privatefor a moment ?
All right, you guys, we gottaget rid of Finland.
Yup, we gottatake out Finrand.
They gonna squeal.
Yeah, I think weall agree, guys.
Uh-huh.Yup.Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Aw, damn it.
Oh, hey, space officers.
How can wehelp you ?
Well, we're a littlepuzzled
over one ofyour countries...
uh, Finland ?
What-- what about it ?
It appears to have beendestroyed.
Oh, my God !Not Finland !
Oh no !No !Not Finland
Hey, guys,Finland's dead.
Oh, no !No !No !
No, not a Finrand !
All of Finland gone !
Yeah, somebody better breakthe news to Norway.
They were really close.
( sighing )
None of you knew anythingabout Finland's destruction ?
I mean, odds are,they nuked themselves.
You know, suicide.
We didn't say anythingabout nukes.
Or whatever they did,I'm sayin'.
( Stan )Excuse me !
Excuse me !
Everyone, I have an announcementto make.
I am giving back myPinewood Derby trophy.
The truth is...I don't deserve this trophy,
because I cheated on myPinewood Derby car.
I used something notin the approved kit.
Oh, my god !What ?!Outside the kit ?
Not in the approved kit ?
He cheated onthe Pinewood Derby ?
( Stan )This trophy isn't mine.
And so I have togive it back.
Because if I'mnot honest now,
then I'll have to keep thislie going forever.
And it willjust grow and grow.
Well, Stan, we're proud ofyou for coming clean.
But it doesn't changethe fact that you cheated.
Go to your room, son.
Your son seems to have somepretty inspirational words.
You sure you Earthlings havenothing else to tell us ?
Hey, uh, do we have anythingelse to tell the space cops ?
No !No changes !No changes !
No, tell 'em no.No changes.
Yeah, no, we've told youeverything, space officers.
All right, that's it then.
Come on out, sir,it appears to be over !
Oh, shit, it'sBaby Fark McGee-Zax !
My real name is Kevirn Xaxor.
I am the Ambassadorto New Planet Testing.
What the hell are theytalking about ?
These are not space cops.
There isno space jail,
and space cash is only worth
what you as a planetdecided it was worth.
I mean, how stupid isyour species ?
Space jail ?!
Baby Fark McGee-zax ?!
It was a trick ?
Whenever a civilizationdiscovers warp speed,
we want to bring them intothe Federation of Planets.
But first we dothe space-cash test,
to see if that speciesis worthy of joining.
Needless to say,you all failed.
People of Earth,
since you did notreturn the space cash.
Your species and your planetis hereby forever
blocked off and barredfrom the rest of the Universe.
No, hey,wait, wait, no !
Well, that sucks !
Randy has a plan that will ensure Stan a first place trophy in this year's Pinewood Derby.