( Cartman )The city isn'twhat it used to be.

It all happenedso fast.

Everything went to crap.

It's like...

everyone's sense of moralsjust disappeared.

The bad economymade things worse.

The jobs started drying up.

Then the storeshad to shut down.

Then the black man waselected President.

He was supposedto change things.

He didn't.

As more and more peopleturn to crime and violence,

the town becomesgripped in fear.

Dark times.

This cityneeds protection.

There is an animalthat lives by night,

searches through trash cans

and cleans outthe garbage.

To cleanthe trash can of society

I've chosen to becomemore than a man.

I am the herothis town needs.

I am...

The Coon.

As the world plummetsinto despair,

The Coon fightsto keep order intact.

Lisa, I had a reallygreat time tonight.

I did too, Josh.

Would you mind very muchif I kissed you ?

Not at all.

A woman being raped.

This is what ourcity has been reduced to.

When the money goes,the raping starts.

Women are helplesswithout the Coon.

Oh, yes, Josh, yes !

Let her go !

Excuse me ?

You aren't rapinganyone tonight !

Oh, it's a talkingsquirrel.

Raghghgh !

Ahggh !Wahgghghh !

Get out of here,get to safety !

Aghgh !

Lisa, call me !

Ahghggh, ow !

Another womansaved from rape.

But how many more rapistsare out there ?

Aww, that really stings.

All right, things arepretty quiet out there, boys.

Let's try to get caught upon some paperwork.

Murphey, I want you to...

Don't let thecity's peacefulness

fool you, Commissioner.

It's too quiet.

Oh, not this kid again.

Hey, you getoutta here-- out.

There was another rapistin the park tonight.

It's no coincidence.

It must be a rapist plotand it stinks to the top.

What ?

I think the Mayormight be involved.

It's my theory she hasa lesbian lover

who's holding her leash.

Jesus Christ, can we geta lock on that window ?

Look, kid,you need to stop...

He's gone.

No, I'm justover here now.

What do we know about theMayor's sexual preferences ?

All right, listen, you havefive seconds to leave

or I'm gonna put you inthe jail and call your parents.

Jail's full, sir.

Whatever, then we'lljust put you in...

Now I'm back over here.

Just get out of herebefore we...

I'm right here now.

All right, stop it !

Yes, I have to go now.

But in the meantimeI have something

that might interest you.

Make sure all your men geta look at these, Detective.

What's in here ?

Hey, guys,good morning.

You guys hear thatanother rape victim

got saved by a superherolast night ?

They say itwas The Coon.

Who's The Coon ?

I know, right ?Who is The Coon ?

It's what everyone mustbe asking themselves.

Somebody isdressing up at night

and taking the lawinto their own hands.

As for me, I certainlydon't agree with

The Coon's reckless ways.

If you ask me, there'sno room in this world

for vigilantes.

I believe The Coonis a menace.

Yeah, and dressing upand running around at night

is faggy anyway.

You're a fag, Kyle !

Fuck you !

Dude, what ?

He's not a fag !

Why do you care ?

Oh, I, uh...

Well, I'm just mad'cause you shouldn't ever

use the term "fag,"Kyle.

That's a hate word

and it's insensitiveto butt pirates.

Anyway, what doyou think about

The Coon,Stan and Kenny ?

Do you think he's the saviorthis town needs

or do you think he'sa dangerous vigilante ?

Kenny ?

( Cartman )And, of course, the most commonquestion asked is,

"Just who is he ?"

Is he a heroor a menace ?

While we can all admitthat The Coon

is obviously really cool,

we should also beasking each other,

"Why does he care so much forthe people of this town ?

"Why does hesacrifice himself every night

"to rid our streetsof crime ?

And does hereally have the right ?"

What we all need now--

Clyde, Clyde,could you wake up please ?

This is important.

What we all need now is proofthat The Coon exists.

I believe that tonight,from approximately 5:00 to 5:45

The Coon is going to be onthe roof of Walgreens.

I know I'll bethere will my camera.

I'm sure many of youwill too.

the more criminalsI try to stop

the more justcome out of the back alleys

and dilapidated bars.

The city isa dying whore.

She calls out to meto save her

and I don'tknow if I can.

But she is still my city

and I cannot justsit and watch

as innocentpeople are...

Who the hell is that ?

Who the hell are you ?

I am an angel keepingwatch over the city at night.

As violence and darknesstake over the streets,

I work to ridthe streets of crime.

I am the symbolthis town needs.

Oh, no,no, no, no, no.

I am the symbolthis town needs.

Dude, seriously,you can't do that.

Go home, I was doingthis first.

Nu-uh.

Yeah-huh !

You heard ofThe Coon

and now you'rebeing a copycat !

Is that yourname, Copycat ?

I am Mysterion.Mysterion ?

That's fucking retarded.

You just gave yourselfaway, Craig.

Only you would thinkof a name that dumb.

I might be Craig,

and then againI might not be.

My identity mustremain a secret.

You cannot know.

Yeah, well, you can't knowmy true identity either !

I assume you must be Cartman,because you're fat.

Well, you're wrong !

I'm not Eric Cartmanand he's not fat !

Care to guess again ?

I really don't carewho you are.

Oh, all right, Kyle.

Yeah, took me real longto figure it out.

Only you, Kyle,would be a buzzkill

and try to stealmy thunder.

You don't care aboutstopping crime.

You're just doing this'cause you hate me, Kyle !

Kyle hates Eric Cartman.

Are you sayingyou're Eric Cartman ?

NO, I'm--I'm saying that--

Goddamn it, Stan,is that you ?!

It is you, isn't ?

Clyde ?!

Clyde, you're nota superhero, I am !

I cannot stand here and makeidle conversation any longer.

The city needs my help.

There are innocentsto protect.

No !

Dude, I'm seriously,you're being a copycat !

I'll sue you !

Motherfucker !

Which one of themis it ?

Somebody is dressing up

and pretending to bea superhero, but who ?

Has to be one of theguys in my class

'cause onlythey knew The Coon

would be on the rooftopof Walgreens.

No, stop.

Can't think about thatright now.

I have to focus.

Tomorrow is the most importantday in The Coon's life.

Everything The Coonhas lived and fought for

comes down to tomorrow.

Concentrate.

How is it that nobodycame to Coonicon '09 ?

This is just...this is fucking ridiculous !

Got everythingyou need here, sir ?

Okay on beverages,buffet items ?

Yes, it's fine.

Great-- hey, I just want tosay that the Airport Hilton

really appreciates yourcontinued business.

What do you mean,"continued" ?

You don'tknow who I am.

Aren't you that little boywho had his Ginger Pride Rally

and his AIDS benefithere before ?

No, I'm not that kid !

Oh, oh really ?My bad.

I'm actually relieved.

That kid was kind ofa douche bag.

You're a fuckingdouche bag !

Get out of here !

Ehh !

Heh !

Oh, hello, sweetie,what did you do today ?

I got boned, that's whatI did, Mom !

I try to do good stuffand nobody even notices !

Oh, what happened, hon ?

I can't tell youwhat happened

'cause it's about mysuper-secret double life !

( man on television ) Tonight, an incredible story

of an unknown childin South Park

who has taken to the streetsin an effort to fight crime.

Wha-what ?!

But who exactly is...Mysterion ?

What ?!

Curious crowds in thetown of South Park, Colorado.

They've brought binocularsand camera phones,

trying to get a shot ofa mysterious superhero.

He was dressed mostly in blackwith a kind of cloak.

He jumped down fromthe fire-escape stairs

and then he just ran off.

We barely gota look at him !

To me it looked likeMysterion to me.

Everyone who seenMysterion say, "Yeah."

Yeah !Yeah !Yeah !Yeah !

Well, I think he'skind of a symbol

for the town, y'know ?

A symbol that everyonewho's sick of crime

can rally behind.

Fucking butthole.

Well, if you ask me,he's a menace.

There's no room forvigilantism in today's world.

( reporter )This artist renditionof Mysterion

has alreadygenerated thousands of copies.

You've gotta bekidding me !

As hundreds of people gatherto try and get a glimpse

of the superhero,one question remains:

who is Mysterion ?

Who is Mysterion ?Who is he ?It could bemy child or yours !

If you have any idea aboutthe true identity of Mysterion,

please call the9 news hotline.

( Mysterion )I could no longersit by and watch

as my city becamea cesspool of crime.

I have lived in South Parkall my life.

I decided it was up tome to keep this town safe.

Nobody at school knowsmy double life.

To them, I'm justanother 4th grader.

But tonightI am Mysterion.

Ah, Mysterion,thank God you've come.

What news do you have ?

There's somegraffiti on the bridge again.

I think those 6th-grade kidsare doing it.

And the guy atthe movie theater

is harassing Mexicans again.

We'll get right on it,Mysterion.

Thank you.

Thank you forall your help.

God speed, Mysterion !

( Detective )You are a beacon of hope

in an otherwise bleakand dreary world !

Dude, seriously,

I'm gonna kick the shit outof you if you don't stop.

The city needs my help.

It cries for protectionand I will

answer the callto save her.Answer the callto save her !

That's whatI'm supposed to say !

I know it's you, Kyle,just stop.

I don't havetime for this.

Fireworks are illegal inColorado, you asshole !

Hey, he's got fireworks !

( school bell ringing )

So, guys...

any of you do anythinginteresting last night ?

Not really.Really ?

Nobody was playing withany fireworks ?!

( sniffing )

Dude, what the hell ?

A-ha, Kenny !

I should have know !

Why do you have a pictureof Mysterion

in your locker, Kenny ?

Unless you areMysterion !

Dude, I have a picture ofMysterion in my locker too.

Yeah, so do I.

What, why ?!

I don't know,it's just a cool costume.

It's not a cool costume !

He just wears his underwearover his butt-fucking pants !

Now come on, which one ofyou guys is it ?!

How are you so sureMysterion is a boy ?

( gasping )Fucking bitch.

( Cartman )I had no choice.

I was at theend of my rope.

Sometimes whena superhero needs answers,

he has to turn to the wretchedunderbelly of society.

( Butters )Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...

Look what the catdragged in.

Come out whereI can see you.

What's the matter, Coon ?

Nervous ?

I didn't want toresort to this,

but he could havethe answers I need.

How utterly delightful.

The heroicand mighty Coon...

come to put a stopto me again.

Chaos-- I need tokeep on my toes.

I'm not here to stop youthis time, Chaos.

I need information.

Oh, I'm sure you do.

But you seeI-- wugh...

but you see I also knowyou like to beat me up.

I didn't call youto fight, Chaos.

I came to see if youknow Mysterion's identity.

Oh, I'm close !

And I'll putan end to him

and all of youGoodie Two-Shoe heroes.

I'm not on his side.

Do you thinkI'm a fool ?

All those times you've stoppedme from my acts of evil,

all those times youtricked me into meeting you

and then gave-- yougave me titty-twisters.

Not this time, Coon.

I finallylearned my lesson.

Now, General Disarray !

Ahggh !

Yeah !

( grunting )

Oh-oh, careful,General Disarray.

Ahh, stop it,you little butthole !

Knock it off !

Yeah !

We beat him,General Disarray !

Listen to me !

I want to help youget rid of Mysterion !

Let him go,General Disarray !

( panting )

Why would you help us ?

Because Mysterionis trying to--

Ugh !

Little fucker,that fucking hurt !

Because Mysterionis trying to say

he's the herothis town needs.

But that's my job.

But you both fightfor justice and good.

Yeah, but he'sa fucking dick.

I want him gone justas much as you do.

Very well.

I will show you what we knowabout Mysterion's identity.

But if this issome kind of setup--

Look, I'm the good guy,Chaos.

I don't betray people.

Oh, yeah.

I didn't like having towork with this scumbag,

but I knew Mysterionwas out there,

plotting his next move.

Hello, Kyle.

Whoa, what the...

Do not be afraid.

I mean youno harm.

Hey, hey, you're thatMysterion kid !

Yes, but now I believesomeone is trying

to learn my true identity.

Dude, everyone's trying tofigure out who you are !

I cannot be unmasked for thenI would stop being a symbol.

I need help.

Somebody who can dobackground checks for me,

do some investigating.

Who, me ?Why ?

Because I think you arethe smartest kid in class.

This way !

We will now show you oursecret Headquarters of Doom !

You guys have your ownstorage facility ?

Actually it belongs toGeneral Disarray's Grandma,

but she lets us use it.

This is where we come upwith all our evil plans !

Here's our computer relays.

And this is likea a Cube of Chaos

that can destroy the worldin one second !

And here's someof our evil minions !

We have everythingwe need here !

Can I offer you a Cokeor a Sprite or something ?

I'll take a Sprite.

Get The Coon a Sprite,General Disarray.

As you can see,we too have been working hard

on Mysterion's identity.

You have an entire walldedicated to Mysterion ?

What about...

Do you still have that

"Who is the Coon" T-shirtI gave you ?

Oh, yeah, I think it'saround here somewhere.

Using our photos, we aretrying to pinpoint

Mysterion's identity.

Why is Cartmancrossed out ?

He could be Mysterion.

No, he's too fat.

Based on his body type,it's gotta be someone like

Stan or Kyle.

Grrrr !

All right, all right,all right, look, Chaos.

Just set up a video camera.

I know how we can putan end to Mysterion

once and for all.

The clock is tickingand the citizens of South Park

are gripped in fear.

Two days ago,an evil unknown terrorist

threatened major consequences

if Mysterion does notreveal his identity.

"Mark my words, South Park,

"your precious herois now your undoing !

"If Mysterion does not unmaskhimself publicly

"by Wednesday night,

"I am going to blow upa hospital."

Blow up a hospital ?!

I'm not gonna blow upany hospital !

Are you nuts ?!

What ?

"Uh, the choice is yours,Mysterion.

"Unmask yourselfor hundreds will die.

Ha-ha-ha."

Jesus Christ !

Since the threat was issued

there has beenno sign of Mysterion.

Where is Mysterion ?!

Where is Mysterion ?!

blow up anything, are we ?

If you don't make goodon your threats, Chaos,

then what good areyour threats ?

But you really wannablow up a hospital ?

I mean, aren't youa good guy ?

Sometimes blowing uphospitals is for

the greater good, Chaos.

You know,I've been thinking.

If we're reallyevil villains,

then we should betray him

and blow him up withthe hospital.

Y'know, you're a littlescrotum licker, dude.

Why don't youshut the fuck up ?

All right, Chaos,I'm gonna get the triggers

for these thingsat Ace Hardware.

Keep an eye on this stuff.

Oh, jeez, General Disarray.

This is a lot more thanI ever really intended.

I mean, I hate the world

and all its punyinhabitants and all that,

but blowing up a hospitaljust seems mean.

( gasping )Oh !

Oh, hamburgers !

Ahghgh !

Hagh, Mysterion-- Ibudduh,I buddush-hebba-hebba...

Why are you doing this ?

This isn't yourusual M-O, Chaos.

Well, I-bubba--I was just...

and then The Coon showed up

and he was-a is-aabuduh abdudh...

( Butters )Ahghghggh !

What is that ?

( grunting )

Look, Mysterion andProfessor Chaos are fighting !

Give him hell,Mysterion !

( cheering )

Look out, Mysterion,General Disarray is behind you !

Ehh-- ow !

Jesus Christ, we needback up out here !

I think I can geta shot at Chaos, sir !

You think your bulletscan hurt him ?

Ugh...

( all gasping )

Yeah, we did it !

He's dead.

Mysterion is dead.

No.

( whimpering )

The impossiblehas happened.

Mysterion... belovedprotector of the city...

is dead.

Who will save us now ?

Wait, look !

He's all right !

( cheering )

( grunting )

( Cartman )Oh, my God,look, everyone !

It's The Coon !

Fear not, everyone !

The Coon is hereto save the day !

Isn't that Bruce Vilanch ?!

Be careful,Bruce Vilanch !

There's superhumansfighting right over there.

Okay, sorry, sorry !

Sorry, I give up !Please, I give up !

Don't worry, Mysterion,The Coon will now help you !

Whoa, wait, I thought wewere working together--

Ahghg !!

Oh, jeez, I thinkI broke a tooth !

( mumbling )

( cheering )

That was greatteamwork, Mysterion.

South Park is safe...until next time.

What next time ?

Well, people areobviously so desperate

to learn your identity thatthey'll do anything.

Won't be long beforethe next villain comes along

and threatens violence unlessyou take off your mask.

but to unmask myself.

Don't do it, Mysterion !

If you show youridentity,

we'll be forced to arrestyou for being a vigilante.

Don't you thinkhe knows that ?

But superheroesknow that sometimes

you have to sacrifice yourselffor the greater good !

Don't show yourface, Mysterion !

You have to be a symbol !

So that the next terroristcan threaten South Park

if he doesn'tunmask himself ?

No, it's true.

As long as my identityis a mystery,

this will justhappen again and again.

It has to end.

I willshow my face.

Ohh...Ohh...Ohh...Ohh...

Well, I'll be.

I knew it was you !

Remember, I evensaid it before !

Wow, a kid from my classwas Mysterion.

Well, I'm sorrybut you're under arrest.

Take the kid to jail.

( Cartman )My entire planworked to perfection.

My work here is done.

With Mysterionout of the way,

The Coon can finally go backto keeping the city safe.

Once again,I alone am the symbol

this town canstand behind.

Every townneeds a hero.

Every town needs...

a Coon.