Would youlook at that ?
It's just incredible,isn't it ?
I stillcan't believe it
even though it's rightthere in front of me.
Yeah, it's just so...astounding.
Well, believe it,friends.
The impossiblehas happened...
Kenny has a girlfriend.
Yeah, a fifth-gradegirlfriend.
This is serious.
They've been going outfor almost two weeks now.
So wh-who is she ?
( Cartman )Her name's Tammy Warner.
She's the onlygirl in school
whose family is actuallypoorer than Kenny's.
It's really kind ofbeautiful, if you ask me.
You guys !
You guys, I thinkwe have a big problem !
What ?
Well, apparently Kennyhas a girlfriend !
Yeah, dude,Tammy Warner.
She's a fifth-grader.
Does Kenny like her ?
I guess so.
She's like his firstreal girlfriend ever.
Oh, no, oh, jeez !
Butters,what's the problem ?
I just talked toBrad Dixon.
Tammy Warner is bad news.
All the fifth graderscall her a slut
on a count of she gavethis kid, Dave Darski, a BJ
in the parking lot ofT.G.I. FRiDAY'S.
What ?
It's true !
Ask anybody infifth grade !
Tammy Warneris a total slut !
That bitch !
Kenny gave hisheart to her
and she's just gonnathrow it in his face !
Well, Kennydeserves to know, fellas.
If you guys found outmy girlfriend was
a raging whore,I'd want you to tell me.
All right, come on, guys.
Hey, Jimmy,what's a BJ ?
Oh, hey, guys.
Listen, Kenny,we need to talk about
your new girlfriend.
What about her ?
Oh, boy...
Kenny, we know you reallylike this girl, but--
But what ?
Well, we've heardthat she's...
Kenny...
your girlfriend isa notorious whore.
She even gavea kid named Dave Darski
a BJ in the parking lotof T.G.I. FRiDAY'S.
Huh ?
Your girlfriend'sa slut, dude.
Woo-hoooo !
Woo-hoo-hooooo !
He took itpretty well.
Hey, Tammy !Hi, Ken !
You decide what youwanna do after school ?
Yeah, I was kind ofthinking
we should goto T.G.I. FRiDAY'S.
T.G.I. FRiDAY'S ?
Yeah, could belots of fun.
Yeah, okay, but...
Kenny, listen...
there's something I needto talk to you about.
There's a lot ofrumors going around about me
that I agreed to givea boy a BJ.
Well... it's true.
But it was before youand I were together,
and it wasn't my fault !
See, I was watchingthe Disney Channel
and that show came onwith the Jonas Brothers--
Jonas Brothers ?
You know thatteenage boy band ?
Every time I see themI get so... tingly.
I justcompletely lose control.
And then Dave Darskishowed up
and took meto T.G.I. FRiDAY'S
and it just happened.
But it was only for one secondand I had my eyes closed.
I know it's terrible.
Can you...can you forgive me, Ken ?
( sighing )
There you are, young man,
Thanks !
The Jonas Brothers ?
Dude, Kenny, what the hellis wrong with you ?
Aren't they those queermoson the Disney channel ?
Yeah, Jonas Brothers,dude, they get Tammy all hot
and then she'llgive me a BJ.
A BJ ?
You want Tammyto give you a BJ ?Of course, dude !
Kenny, you'regonna let a girl
put her mouth onyour wiener ?
Do you know howdisgusting that is ?
Girls' mouths arefull of germs.
Yeah, dude, that's gross.
It's okay, I'm gonnahave protection.
What kind ofprotection ?
Can I have a box ofcondoms, please ?
Box of condoms.
Certainly, little boy,what kind would you like ?
Uh... I'll take thoseover there.
These here ?Well, certainly.
Cool.
Kenny, aren't youa little young for this ?
No, I'm not young,I want a BJ !
Just becauseyou have condoms
doesn't mean you'resafe, Kenny.
Statistically speaking,
the most bacteria-riddenplace on the planet
is the mouth ofan American woman.
And you're gonna let thatnear your penis ?
Yup !Woo-hoo !
( girls screaming )
Kenny, you're the bestfor bringing me here !
Isn't this awesome ?
♪ I'm ready
♪ To get it on
♪ But there'sno getting on ♪
♪ 'Til I'm ready
Wahghgghghghghg !
♪ It's too soon
♪ Slow down
♪ Take it easy...
My giney tickles !
♪ I need your lovebay-bay ♪
♪ I can't wait'til the day... ♪
Oh, my God !
It's that tinglingagain !
♪ Until thenI have to diss you ♪
♪ 'Cause my mom doesn'tlike it... ♪
I love you !
♪ She'll make meclean my room ♪
♪ If I'm naughty
♪ Bay-bay
♪ I'm hot ♪ He's hot ♪ He's hot
♪ Tell me howwas I to know ♪
♪ That you would takeyour love and go ♪
♪ Was it 'causeI wanted to wait ♪
♪ 'Til we were married
♪ To put my armaround you ? ♪
♪ But seasons change
♪ Bay-bay
♪ And the world goesround and round and round ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah
♪ I'm gonnatake my time ♪
♪ Can't wait 'tilyou are mine ♪
♪ But it mightbe a while 'cause ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah
♪ Girl we can take itslow ♪
♪ So we haveroom to grow... ♪
Oh, oh, Jesus Christ !
You're so hot,Kevin !
I love you, Joe !
♪ Until thengo back to Montreal ♪
♪ 'Cause I still love youbay-bay ♪
♪ Love you bay-bay
♪ Bay-bay
( girls screaming )
Good night, Denver !We love you all !
We love you, Denver !
Good night !
Oh, my God,I am so worked up !
I just wanna attackyou, Kenny !
All right !
Come on, let's go outto the parking lot !
Woo-hoo !
And you too,little girl in the red !
Huh ?
Band would like youto come backstage.
You too, little girlwith the puppy T-shirt.
Ahh !
They want me tocome backstage ?
Oh, my God !
No, no, we're goingto your place now.
It's a dream come true !
Hey !
All right,right this way, girls.
Yeah, come on in,everyone.
The band iswaiting for you.
Uh, not you.
No, fuck that, dude !
I boughtthe fucking tickets !
Hey, what the fuck ?!
The Jonas Brotherswill be right out, girls.
Why do you think theycalled us back here ?
They must-a wannahave sex with us.
What ?You think so ?
Sure, they're a band.
They called us back hereso we can give 'em blow jobs.
Well, I'm not doing it.
Just 'cause they're rock starsdoesn't mean I'll do that.
Yeah, I'm not givinga blow job to anybody !
Me neither !
Hey there, girls !Hey there, girls !Hey there, girls !
Hey, listen, we saw yaout there in the audience.
Yeah, you were gettinga little crazy out there.
Let's just get tothe blow jobs.
Blow-whats ?
I don't know.
Look, we calledyou back here
because we want to shareour love of Christ with you.
And see if you'll wearpurity rings from now on.
Purity rings ?
We all wear purity rings.
It means we are going tobe pure and not have sex
until we're married.
And it means we stay awayfrom bad stuff
and avoid people who swearor watch naughty TV shows.
That's just how we roll.
Yeah !Yeah !
So what do ya say, girls ?
You wanna bekid hipsters like us
and wear purity rings too ?
( all )Okay.
And be sure to give a ring toall the kids you care about
'cause it'sthe hip, new way to roll !
Well, well, well,here he comes.
It's BJ Mckayand his best friend, Bear.
So how'd it golast night ?
( sighing )
What's that ?
A purity ring.
Purity ring ?
Yeah, it's a purity ring.
What does that mean ?
It means I'm gonnabe pure
and not have sexuntil I get married.
Dude, you ?
We thought you reallywanted to have a BJ
before yougot too old--I did !
I was really excitedto get a BJ
but now I have to wear thismotherfucking purity ring !
All right, all right,Kenny, calm down.
You're too young tobe getting BJs anyway.
It's good you and Tammyare making a commitment
to each other thatisn't based on sex.
Yeah !
It isn't fair, I was soclose to getting a blow job
and I'll neverget one now !
Fellas-- hey, fellas !
I heard that Kennyis still going out
with that slutTammy Warner !
Yeah, but it's okay,Butters.
They havepurity rings now.
What's that ?
They're rings that saysthey're not gonna have sex
or do anything naughtyanymore.
Huh...
A ring that saysyou'll be together
but not have sex.
Isn't that calleda "wedding ring" ?
♪ I've got a ringon my finger ♪
♪ To remind mewhat I cannot do ♪
♪ Can't just do whateverI feel like ♪
♪ I've got tostay righteous and true ♪
♪ I can't hang outwith my buddies ♪
♪ And get into trouble
♪ 'Cause now we'reboth wearing ♪
♪ These ringsfor each other ♪
♪ But who needs sex
♪ And drugsand partying ? ♪
♪ When we cancook a meal ♪
♪ Then sit aroundand watch Netflix ♪
♪ Bay-bay
♪ I've got a ringon my finger ♪
♪ To remind methat I must behave ♪
♪ No need to chaseafter girls ♪
♪ It's a promiseI can never break ♪
♪ We madea commitment ♪
♪ And it is forever
♪ So we canspend every ♪
♪ Waking minute together
♪ And if we getbored ♪
♪ It won't be a problem
♪ 'Cause we can just hang out
♪ With other coupleswho wear these rings ♪
♪ Bay-bay...
Yeah, we found out thatonce you wear purity rings,
it's best to hang out withother couples that do.
Got more in common.
Isn't that right,Sara ?
You know what Caroland I really enjoy
is "Grey's Anatomy."
We love "Grey's Anatomy,"don't we, Carol ?
We adore "Grey's Anatomy,"don't we, Nancy ?
Adore it.
Kenny and Tammy, do youwatch "Grey's Anatomy" ?
We look forward to itall week long !
Ha-ha-ha...
Sure is !Most fun we'vehad in weeks !
Ha-ha-ha !
♪ I've got a ringon my finger ♪
♪ To remind mewhat I cannot do ♪
♪ What I cannot do
♪ Bay-bayyyy
♪ Bay-bay-bay
♪ Bay-bay
♪ Bayyy-Bayyyy
And cut !
Great video shoot,guys !
This is bull pucky !
Yeah, we've had it,gosh darn it !
Uh-oh, looks likewe've got a problem.
Our decision is final !
not to wearpurity rings anymore !
Yeah, youtell 'em, Joe.
Boys, I know you're tired,but the purity rings
are important tothe company's image.
We don't care aboutthe company !
And you're gonna say thatto the boss's face ?
We aren'tafraid of him.
Well, I hope you're right,
because the boss ison his way here now.
Oh, Jesus, he's here !Boss is here !
Let's be strong, guys !
Hello, sir,how was your trip ?
What's all thisI'm hearing
about not wearingthe purity rings-- ha-ha.
Uh, we'll justleave you alone.
So I guess we have someissues-- ha-ha.
We need to talkabout something.
Oh, boy !
I just love flying allthe way to Colorado
to hear aboutyour problems-- ha-ha.
Look, we just wantour concerts
to be about our musicand not about purity rings.
Oh, gosh, fellas,
let me explain this toyou one more time.
You have towear the purity rings
because that's how we can sellsex to little girls-- ha-ha.
See, if we makethe posters with little girls
reaching for your junk,
then you have towear purity rings
or else Disney Companylooks bad-- ha-ha.
But we don't wanna be sellingsex to little girls anymore.
The rings stay on.
Well... well, maybe we'lljust refuse to go onstage !
Ooof !
You don't fuckingtalk to me
like that-- ha-ha--
you little pieceof shit-- ha-ha.
( gurgling )
Get the fuck up !
Get the fuck up--Ha-ha.
Now, do we havea problem-- ha-ha.
No, sir.
No, Mr. Mouse.
No, Mr. Mouse.
Oh, that's good'cause I thought we had
a problem for a minutethere-- ha-ha.
All right, now get out there
and make me somegoddamned money-- ha-ha.
Yup, he's in here !
Dude, what the hellare you doing, Kenny ?
This is the day we weresupposed to throw
cow turds atcars together !
We've had justabout enough, dude.
You've been blowing us offfor two weeks now !
What's up ?!
Need to buymore DVDs.
"Grey's Anatomy" ?
Kenny, what kind of douche-baggarbage are you watching ?!
Come on, Kenny,this isn't you.
We want you back,dude.
Kenny... Kenny ?
Kenny ?
You wanna look atPlayboys ?
Wanna get highsniffing paint, Kenny ?
You want your "Grey's Anatomy"back, Kenny ?
Oh, "Grey's Anatomy,"cool !
Oh, wow, this wasa great season !
( mumbling )
You guys, I thinkthis is serious !
There's somethingreally wrong with him.
It's that ring.
Somehow,putting on that ring
has turned Kenny intoa boring turd.
Oh, my God,look at this !
Motherfucker !
What ?
( Cartman )"Jonas Brothers talk music,Faith in God, and purity rings."
These Disney douche bags arethe ones causing all this !
Yeah, this all happenedthe day after
he went totheir concert !
All right, come on, guys !
We're not sitting backand watching our friend die.
Hold tight, buddy, we'regonna find a cure for you.
Cool...
it's Good Mornin' Denver !
We are joined this morningby the Disney super group,
The Jonas Brothers.
Hello, boys !
( girls screaming )
Hello.
Now tell us what you'redoin' in Denver, guys.
Uh, we're gonna bedoing a live concert
from Red Rocks tonight
that will be live broadcaston the Disney Channel.
In 3D, don't forgetto mention in 3D !
OH, and it'sgonna be in 3D.
( girls screaming )
Now, guys, a lothas been made
about your purity rings.
Can you tell usabout those ?
Well, um... we wear these tosymbolize how pure we are
and how we...don't approve of things
that are naughty or filthy.
Yeah, that's good,
get a closeupon their purity rings.
Closeup on the purityrings-- ha-ha.
( man )That's wonderful, boys.
It's good that little girlscan see a concert
and not haveit be about sex.
We understand that atthe concert tonight
you'll be dousing girls inthe audience with white foam.
Is that correct ?
Uh-huh.Yeah, uh-Huh.
Well, can you giveour audience a peek ?
What do ya think, girls,
You wantthe Jonas Brothers
to douse you with theirwhite foam ?
( girls screaming )
Oh, boy !
This is TV gold--ha-ha.
Excuse us, excuse us.
Hey, what do youthink you're doing ?
That's great stuff, boys !
You like takin'the Jonas Brothers' hot foam
in your faces, girls ?
( girls screaming )
Hey !
Hey, those Jonas Brothersare assholes !
Yeah, their purity rings turnedour friend into a douche !
Huh ?
What the hell do youthink you're doing
spreadingthis crap to kids ?
Who the hellare these guys ?
Are they from DreamWorks ?!
Goddamn Eisner trying to hurtthis company again-- ha-ha.
This whole thing isa freakin' sham !
I see whatyou're doing now !
You're trying to sell sexto young girls
and thenconfuse them by-- agh.
Agh !
Cartman ?
You aren't ruining my plansthis time, DreamWorks-- ha-ha.
Dude, who the helldid that ?
Ouf !
( man )15 minutes !
That's 15 minutes, people !
( man )Get another micon that drum kit !
( Mickey Mouse )They almost ruinedeverything-- ha-ha.
How did somethinglike this happen-- ha-ha.
Wake up, wake up,you little prick-- ha-ha.
Who do you work for ?DreamWorks ?
Answer me-- ha-ha !
We don't workfor anybody.
Oh, boy, I sure believethat-- ha-ha.
You just tried to ruinDisney company's big night
for you own amusement,huh-- ha-ha.
What the hell didyou do to us ?!
Shut up !Ha-ha !
( announcer )And now, Disney Channel presents
The Jonas Brothers3D Concert Spectacular !
Live from Red Rocks Amphitheaterin Colorado !
( girls screaming )
Truly a night of magic
as we're set for the biggestconcert event of the year !
In about 10 minutesthe Jonas Brothers
are going to take the stagein what Disney is calling,
"The most pure and innocent rock event of the millennia."
Do we put the 3D glasseson now, Dada ?
Not yet, Kailee.
Everyone around the country
is tuning in to see Disney's latest kid pop stars.
Yeah, Jonas Brothersat Red Rocks.
We understandthe Jonas Brothers
are getting ready.
What's going on backstagemust be exciting !
You better starttalking-- ha-ha !
You better start talkingright now-- ha-ha !
We told you, we aren'tworking for another studio
and there isn't a plan tosabotage your big night !
We came on our own'cause our friend's
purity ring iskilling him !
You're lying !
I'll cut you up--ha, ha.
You see ?
We were right aboutthe purity rings !
A nice Christian symbol
can't be used forprofit gains !
We've all angered God !
You think God is incontrol here-- ha, ha.
I am in control !
I've beenin control since the '50s
in case you haven'tnoticed-- ha-ha.
You three faggotsare going onstage
and you three faggotsaren't gonna stop me !
Nobody is ruining thisevent-- ha-ha !
I have worked toolong and too hard to have
anybody fuck this up !
( Mickey on loudspeaker ) Where would you be without me, Jonas Brothers-- ha-ha !
Your music sucks and you know it-- ha-ha !
It's because you make littlegirls' gineys tickle.
And when littlegirls' gineys tickle,
I make money-- ha-ha.
And that's because little girls
are fucking stupid-- ha-ha.
And the purity rings make it okay
to do whatever I want-- ha-ha.
Even the Christians are toofucking stupid
to figure out I'm sellingsex to their daughters !
I've made billions off of Christian ignorance
for decades now-- ha-ha.
And do youknow why ?
Because Christians are retarded-- ha-ha.
( reverberating )They believe ina talking dead guy-- ha-ha.
Oh-- ha-ha.
Hello, folks !
( girls )Boo !
Now, now take it easy--ha-ha !
Here's the Jonas Brothers !
( all booing )
Come on, guys.
No stop !Bring them back here !
It's over, Mr. Mouse,everyone's tuning out.
No !
No, goddamn it, no !
( all booing )
Shut up !
Shut up !
Rarhghghggh !
( girls screaming )
That's it, girls.
No more Disney TVfor a while.
Tom, the Disney Jonas Brothers3D Television special
has failed,
costing the Disney companymillions,
and once again, Mickey ispissed off and throwing a fit.
Vengeance is mine.
You are all ants and I amyour destroyer-- ha-ha.
The Disney"purity ring" venture
will most likely now provea marketing bust
as Mickey returns toValhalla to slumber and feed.
Aw, Ken,look what we've become.
We're way too youngto be this boring.
Okay, I'll putin "Grey's Anatomy."
No, I don't want towatch "Grey's Anatomy," Ken.
Let's take off theserings, Ken.
Take off the rings ?
We can take offthe rings ?!
Really ?!
Let's take 'em offand just be kids again !
There'll be plenty of timeto wear rings
and be boring and lamewhen we reach our late 30s
and we're boringand lame anyway.
Yeah, screw these things !
Oh, I feel betteralready !
Me too !
What say you and mego to T.G.I. FRiDAY'S ?
Woo-hoo !
And so...
as we commit thisyoung child to the earth,
let us all be reminded
that syphilis is stilla deadly disease
and it can be caughteven if using protection.
This young boy learnedthe hard way...
I told him.
"Woman's mouth isthe most germ-ridden place
on earth," I said.
"Statistically the mostunsafe place
for a man to puthis penis," I said.
Well... now we know.
And knowing ishalf the battle.
The Ring
s13e01 March 11, 2009
Kenny takes his new girlfriend to a Jonas Brothers concert where they each get purity rings.
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