WE ARE GOING TO BE DOINGA HEALTH SCREENING TODAY.
IT WON'T TAKE LONGAND WILL BE RELATIVELY PAINLESS,
BUT WE NEED TO SEE IF ANYSTUDENTS ARE SHOWING SYMPTOMS.
IN A MOMENT,I AM GOING TO SHOW YOU
A SUGGESTIVE PICTURE,
AND THEN I AM GOING TO ASK YOUA QUESTION ABOUT THE PICTURE.
ALL RIGHT, READY?
HERE WE GO.
- WHAT?- EW!
- [muffled cheering]- JESUS, DUDE.
- HOLY MOLY, WHAT'S THATBETWEEN THE LADY'S LEGS?
IT'S ALL BUSHY!
- PLEASE JUST STUDY THE PICTURETHE BEST YOU CAN, STUDENTS.
I'LL THEN ASK YOU A QUESTION
WHICH YOU'LL ANSWERON THE PAPER PROVIDED.
- I'VE NEVER SEENTHAT PART OF A LADY!
DO THEY ALL GOTA HEDGE LIKE THAT?
- OKAY, VERY GOOD.
NOW, WHAT COLOR...
WAS THE HANDKERCHIEFIN THE NICE LADY'S HAND?
WRITE DOWNYOUR ANSWER, PLEASE.
WHAT COLOR WAS THE HANDKERCHIEFIN THE NICE LADY'S HAND?
- DID YOU SEE THE BUSHON THAT LADY?
WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?
- VERY GOOD.TURN YOUR ANSWERS OVER, PLEASE.
- GEE WHIZ, IT WAS, LIKE,ALMOST UP TO HER BELLY BUTTON.
- ALL RIGHT.NOW...
WHO ANSWERED THATTHE HANDKERCHIEF WAS YELLOW?
VERY GOOD.VERY GOOD, INDEED.
NOW I'D LIKE TO SEE WHOANSWERED, "WHAT HANDKERCHIEF?"
YOU THREE BOYS,PLEASE COME WITH ME.
- I DIDN'T SEEA HANDKERCHIEF.
DID YOU SEEA HANDKERCHIEF, KENNY?
- I'M SORRY, BOYS,BUT I'M AFRAID YOU THREE
HAVE TESTED POSITIVEFOR SEX ADDICTION.
- WHAT?- OH, NO!
- WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SENDYOU HOME, I'M AFRAID.
- WAIT, WE'RE SEX ADDICTS?
ARE YOU SURE?
- OUR "NICE LADYWITH A HANDKERCHIEF" TEST
IS EXTREMELY COMPREHENSIVEAND THOROUGH.
I'M SORRY, BUT YOU'RE SIMPLYTOO DANGEROUS
TO HAVE AROUND NORMAL,WELL-ADJUSTED STUDENTS.
- IT WAS JUST...
SO BIG AND BUSHY, SIR!
WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE THAT?
- SO WHAT HAPPENS TO US NOW?
A LIFE OF DESPERATIONAND ANGUISH, I'M AFRAID.
YOUR ADDICTIONWILL START OFF SLOWLY--
BUT THEN AS YOU KEEPCHASING YOUR HIGH,
YOUR TASTES WILL GETMORE AND MORE DANGEROUS.
MOST LIKELY YOU'LL END UPGOING THE WAY
OF DAVID CARRADINEAND MICHAEL HUTCHENCE--
- [muffled]AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION?
- I DON'T WANT TO GOINTO TOO MUCH DETAIL,
BUT YOU CHOKE YOURSELFWITH A BELT AROUND YOUR NECK
WHILE MASTURBATING DRESSED UPLIKE BATMAN OR SOMETHING.
THEN YOU PASS OUTFROM LACK OF AIR,
AND APPARENTLY IT MAKESYOUR ORGASM SUPER AWESOME.
- [muffled]- OH, NO.
I DON'T WANNA HAVETO BUY A BATMAN COSTUME.
Nice Lady with the Handkerchief Test
The 4th graders all get tested for sexual addiction.
The latest in scientific testing reveals that some of the boys at South Park Elementary have a sex addiction problem.x CLOSE
The boys are given a controversial book to read in school and it inspires them to write one of their own.x CLOSE
Cartman's favorite restaurant has been shut down and replaced by a store that sells medicinal marijuana. Meanwhile, Randy is desperate to get a prescription card to treat his testicular cancer.x CLOSE
When Kyle begs Stan to "friend" him, Stan gets sucked into Facebook.x CLOSE
The town of South Park faces a class action lawsuit as every celebrity they've ever ridiculed is out for revenge.x CLOSE
Angry celebrities, violent ginger kids and Mecha Streisand are about to destroy South Park and all anyone wants to know is, "Who is Eric Cartman's father?"x CLOSE
Jimmy and Timmy are off to summer camp with all their handicapable friends.x CLOSE
Cartman dreams of being a NASCAR driver and he's willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen.x CLOSE
New Jersey is taking over the nation one state at a time. Randy and the boys take a stand as the Jerseyites approach South Park.x CLOSE
When Stan is sent to the school counselor because he's holding on to an obscene number of useless possessions, he realizes that Mr. Mackey has a hoarding disorder too.x CLOSE
The boys play the new Tiger Woods video game.x CLOSE
The CDC discusses the recent outbreak of sex addiction in the country.x CLOSE
The 4th graders all get tested for sexual addiction.x CLOSE
The CDC addresses the growing threat, while the boys struggle to cope with their addiction.x CLOSE
Cartman and Stan really get into the new Tiger Woods video game.x CLOSE
Kyle and Butters join some celebrities in sex rehab.x CLOSE
The scientists test the effects of money on chimpanzees.x CLOSE
The sex addicts review the fundamental problem behind their addiction.x CLOSE
The scientists voice their concerns about an epidemic to President Obama.x CLOSE
Cartman and Stan get more into the video game, while Butters and Kyle continue therapy.x CLOSE