HERE ARE JOHN EDWARDAND STAN MARSH.

( applause )

THANK YOU !

ALRIGHT ASSHOLE, I KNOWYOU'RE HERE TO TRYAND THROW ME OFF

SO GO AHEADGIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT !

NO, I DON'T WANT TOTALK TO YOU,

I WANT TO TALKTO THE AUDIENCE.

WHAT-- WHY ?

YOU SEE, I LEARNEDSOMETHING TODAY.

AT FIRST I THOUGHTYOU WERE ALL JUST STUPID

LISTENING TO THISDOUCHE'S ADVICE.

BUT NOW I UNDERSTANDTHAT YOU'RE ALL HERE

BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED.

YOU'RE SCARED OF DEATH AND HEOFFERS YOU UNDERSTANDING.

YOU ALL WANT TO BELIEVE IN ITSO MUCH, I KNOW YOU DO.

YOU FIND COMFORT IN THE THOUGHTTHAT YOUR LOVED ONES

ARE FLOATING AROUND TRYINGTO TALK TO YOU.

BUT THINK ABOUT IT...

IS THAT REALLYWHAT YOU WANT ?

TO JUST BE FLOATING AROUNDAFTER YOU DIE

HAVING TO TALKTO THIS ASSHOLE ?

WE NEED TO RECOGNIZE THIS STUFFFOR WHAT IT IS - MAGIC TRICKS.

BECAUSE WHATEVER IS REALLYGOING ON IN LIFE AND IN DEATH

IS MUCH MORE AMAZINGTHAN THIS DOUCHE.

( ever-increasing applause )

YOU'RE RIGHT, STAN.

MY GRANDMA ISN'TFLOATING AROUND

JUDGING ME ANDWATCHING WHAT I DO.

SHE'S DEAD.

DEAD AND GONE FOREVER !

YEAH !

BUT I DO HAVE A SPECIAL POWERI KNOW I DO !

THERE'S NOTHING SPECIALABOUT YOU, DUDE.

GET OVER YOURSELF.

GODDAMMIT,I'M SPECIAL !

( rumbling )

WHAT THE--

AGH !

GREETINGS FROMTHE JANAX GALAXY.

WE SEEK THE GREATJOHN EDWARD !

WHY THAT'S...THAT'S ME !

SIR, IT IS AN HONORTO MEET YOU.

WELL, THANK YOUVERY MUCH !

NO, IT CAN'T BE.

I AM QUAGMAR AND THIS IS THEINTERGALACTIC BDIU COMMITTEE.

MR. EDWARD, IT IS MY HONORTO INFORM YOU

THAT YOU HAVE BEEN NOMINATED FORBIGGEST DOUCHE IN THE UNIVERSE !

WHAT ?

YOU ARE THE FIRST NOMINEEFROM THE MILKY WAY GALAXY !

CONGRATULATIONS !

OH DUDE !

IF YOU'LL STEP INTOOUR BLAVLEFREED

WE'LL GIVE YOU A FIRST CLASSRIDE TO THE AWARDS SHOW !

NO, WAIT,I'M NOT A DOUCHE !

I MAKE PEOPLE FEELGOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES !

I GIVE PEOPLE RESOLUTION !

NOW DO YOU PEOPLEBELIEVE ME ?

I DON'T KNOW...

HOW'D EDWARD KNOWMY FATHER DIED IN MARCH ?