HERE ARE JOHN EDWARDAND STAN MARSH.
( applause )
THANK YOU !
ALRIGHT ASSHOLE, I KNOWYOU'RE HERE TO TRYAND THROW ME OFF
SO GO AHEADGIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT !
NO, I DON'T WANT TOTALK TO YOU,
I WANT TO TALKTO THE AUDIENCE.
WHAT-- WHY ?
YOU SEE, I LEARNEDSOMETHING TODAY.
AT FIRST I THOUGHTYOU WERE ALL JUST STUPID
LISTENING TO THISDOUCHE'S ADVICE.
BUT NOW I UNDERSTANDTHAT YOU'RE ALL HERE
BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED.
YOU'RE SCARED OF DEATH AND HEOFFERS YOU UNDERSTANDING.
YOU ALL WANT TO BELIEVE IN ITSO MUCH, I KNOW YOU DO.
YOU FIND COMFORT IN THE THOUGHTTHAT YOUR LOVED ONES
ARE FLOATING AROUND TRYINGTO TALK TO YOU.
BUT THINK ABOUT IT...
IS THAT REALLYWHAT YOU WANT ?
TO JUST BE FLOATING AROUNDAFTER YOU DIE
HAVING TO TALKTO THIS ASSHOLE ?
WE NEED TO RECOGNIZE THIS STUFFFOR WHAT IT IS - MAGIC TRICKS.
BECAUSE WHATEVER IS REALLYGOING ON IN LIFE AND IN DEATH
IS MUCH MORE AMAZINGTHAN THIS DOUCHE.
( ever-increasing applause )
YOU'RE RIGHT, STAN.
MY GRANDMA ISN'TFLOATING AROUND
JUDGING ME ANDWATCHING WHAT I DO.
SHE'S DEAD.
DEAD AND GONE FOREVER !
YEAH !
BUT I DO HAVE A SPECIAL POWERI KNOW I DO !
THERE'S NOTHING SPECIALABOUT YOU, DUDE.
GET OVER YOURSELF.
GODDAMMIT,I'M SPECIAL !
( rumbling )
WHAT THE--
AGH !
GREETINGS FROMTHE JANAX GALAXY.
WE SEEK THE GREATJOHN EDWARD !
WHY THAT'S...THAT'S ME !
SIR, IT IS AN HONORTO MEET YOU.
WELL, THANK YOUVERY MUCH !
NO, IT CAN'T BE.
I AM QUAGMAR AND THIS IS THEINTERGALACTIC BDIU COMMITTEE.
MR. EDWARD, IT IS MY HONORTO INFORM YOU
THAT YOU HAVE BEEN NOMINATED FORBIGGEST DOUCHE IN THE UNIVERSE !
WHAT ?
YOU ARE THE FIRST NOMINEEFROM THE MILKY WAY GALAXY !
CONGRATULATIONS !
OH DUDE !
IF YOU'LL STEP INTOOUR BLAVLEFREED
WE'LL GIVE YOU A FIRST CLASSRIDE TO THE AWARDS SHOW !
NO, WAIT,I'M NOT A DOUCHE !
I MAKE PEOPLE FEELGOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES !
I GIVE PEOPLE RESOLUTION !
NOW DO YOU PEOPLEBELIEVE ME ?
I DON'T KNOW...
HOW'D EDWARD KNOWMY FATHER DIED IN MARCH ?
Intergalactic BDIU Committee
The Biggest Douche in the Universe s06e15
John Edward has been nominated for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award.

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