I CANNOT BELIEVE A HUMAN BEINGHAS LEAD THIS KIND OF LIFE,
IT'S HEARTBREAKING PASSAGESLIKE THIS ONE-
"I AM A PERSON
"WHO OFTEN GETSHUNG OUT TO DRY
BY ALL THOSE AROUND ME."
I KNOW THIS COMPANYWOULD BE HONORED
TO PUBLISH THIS BOOK.
I JUST HAVE ONESMALL QUESTION FIRST.
YOU'RE NOT...A TOWEL ARE YOU ?
NO, IF I WASA TOWEL,
WHY WOULD I BEWEARING THIS HAT
AND THIS FAKE MUSTACHE ?
RIGHT, I'M SORRY.
WELL, STEVEN,IF IT'S ALRIGHT WITH YOU
I'M GOING TO GET OURAGENTS AND LAWYERS
ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOWWE'RE IN BUSINESS, SIR !
( audience applauding )
THANK YOU SO MUCH !
ONCE IN A WHILE I COMEACROSS A BOOK THAT IS
SO HONEST AND SO MOVINGTHAT IT CHANGES MY LIFE.
'A MILLION LITTLE FIBERS'IS THE TRUE STORY
OF A MAN WHO WAS BORNIN A LABORATORY.
PLEASE WELCOME AUTHORSTEPHEN McTOWELIE !
( applause )
STEVEN, WHEN IREAD YOUR BOOK
I THOUGHT TO MYSELF
"HOW CAN A HUMAN BEINGGO THROUGH ALL THIS
AND STILL TURN OUT OKAY ?"
WELL, I GUESS I'M JUSTAN EXTRA-SPECIAL TOW-
YOU TALK IN YOUR BOOKABOUT HOW YOU WOULD
SOMETIMES HAVE TO SPEND DAYSHUNG UP ON A RACK.
WHAT WOULD THAT DOTO YOU EMOTIONALLY ?
YOU HAVE BEENTHROUGH SO MUCH
AND I THINK THAT...
OH GOD,THERE SHE GOES AGAIN,
BABBLING ABOUT PEOPLE'S LIVESAND CARRYING ON.
SHE HASN'T PAID ANY ATTENTIONTO ME IN YEARS !
A LIFE THAT KEPT GETTING UPWHENEVER IT WAS DOWN...
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKETO BE OPRAH'S MINGE.
ALL SHE DOES IS WORK,
NEVER GIVES HER OL' MINGEA NICE RUB NOW AND AGAIN.
A MINGE NEEDS ATTENTION !
AT LEAST A SCRATCHONCE IN A WHILE !
WELL STEPHEN,YOUR BOOK HASN'T SOLD
A LOT OF COPIES YET,
BUT I HAVE SOME PRETTYEXCITING NEWS FOR YOU.
THERE USED TO BE A TIME
WHEN OPRAH WOULDPLAY WITH ME NIGHT AND DAY.
SHE'D PET ME FOR HOURSUSING EVERY FINGER.
BUT NOW I JUST SIT HERE...IN THE DARK.
NOT EVEN SO MUCHAS A PINKIE.
I SHOULD WRITE A BOOK.
IT'D BE MUCH MOREDEPRESSING THAN HIS.
AND SO STEPHEN,I AM MAKING YOUR BOOK
MY OFFICIAL 'BOOK OFTHE MONTH' SELECTION !
WOW, I'M GONNAGET SUPER-RICH NOW !
Towelie Goes on Oprah
Towelie's memoir is published once he pretends he's a person, not a towel. He goes on "Oprah."
One of South Park's most beloved characters makes a triumphant return to the show.x CLOSE
Stan persuades all the citizens of South Park to buy hybrid cars.x CLOSE
Cartman and Kyle are at war over the popular cartoon "Family Guy."x CLOSE
After leaving Kyle injured on the side of the road, Cartman races to the headquarters of "Family Guy" determined to put an end to the show once and for all.x CLOSE
Towelie writes his memoirs and the published work is chosen to be part of Oprah's Book Club.x CLOSE
The boys are trapped in a cave and Cartman finds treasure.x CLOSE
When Cartman's mom realizes she can't control her son anymore, she gets help from the "Dog Whisperer." But Eric Cartman's not going down without a fight.x CLOSE
The boys must find a way to stop a mad gamer who is destroying World of Warcraft, their favorite online role playing game.x CLOSE
The world's biggest conspiracy of all time will finally be uncovered when Eric Cartman exposes the true culprit behind the September 11th attacks.x CLOSE
In his new role as School Hallway Monitor, Cartman must team up with Kyle when they discover a teacher having sex with a student.x CLOSE
Towelie's memoir is published once he pretends he's a person, not a towel. He goes on "Oprah."x CLOSE
Oprah turns her audience into a lynch mob and chases Towelie off the set.x CLOSE
Towelie saves the hostages, allowing the police to shoot and kill Oprah Winfrey's asshole.x CLOSE
Towelie gets fired, gets high, and decides to write his memoir.x CLOSE
Towelie gets rejected, gets high, and decides to edit his memoir so he seems to be a person.x CLOSE
Oprah's minge and asshole decide to try to expose Towelie as a fraud.x CLOSE
Oprah's minge and asshole call Geraldo to tip him off about Towelie's identity.x CLOSE
Geraldo accuses Towelie of being a towel on "Larry King Live."x CLOSE
Oprah calls Towelie and invites him back on the show to defend himself.x CLOSE
Oprah's minge holds her audience hostage.x CLOSE