YES, BUT HE ALSOWAS A PROPHET
WHO KNEW THE SECRET TRUTHABOUT THE NATURE OF LIFE.
THIS IS JUSTTOO MUCH...
WE WANT TOREVEAL TO STAN
THE GREAT SECRET OF LIFEBEHIND OUR CHURCH.
THE SAFELY GUARDEDSCIENTOLOGY DOCTRINE.
PLEASE, YOUR SON DESERVESTO BE ENLIGHTENED.
STAN, DO YOUWANT TO HEAR
THE GREAT SECRET DOCTRINE OF LIFE BEHIND SCIENTOLOGY ?
ALRIGHT, GO AHEADAND TELL HIM.
WOULD YOUEXCUSE US, PLEASE.
THIS IS HIGHLY CLASSIFIEDCHURCH INFORMATION.
AW, RATS !
USUALLY, TO HEARTHE SECRET DOCTRINE
YOU HAVE TO BE IN THE CHURCHFOR SEVERAL YEARS, STAN.
ARE YOU READYTO HEAR THE TRUTH ?
I... I GUESS.
YOU SEE, STAN.
THERE IS A REASON FOR PEOPLEFEELING SAD AND DEPRESSED...
AN ALIEN REASON.
IT ALL BEGAN SEVENTY-FIVEMILLION YEARS AGO...
BACK THEN, THERE WAS A GALACTICFEDERATION OF PLANETS,
WHICH WAS RULED OVERBY THE EVIL LORD XENU !
HA HA HA HAAA !
XENU THOUGHT HIS GALAXYWAS OVERPOPULATED
AND SO HE ROUNDED UPCOUNTLESS ALIENS
FROM ALLDIFFERENT PLANETS...
AND THEN HADTHOSE ALIENS FROZEN !
HA HA HA HAAAA !
THE FROZEN ALIEN BODIES
WERE LOADED ONTOXENU'S GALACTIC CRUISERS,
WHICH LOOKED LIKE DC-8s,EXCEPT WITH ROCKET ENGINES.
THE CRUISERS THEN TOOKTHE FROZEN ALIEN BODIES
TO OUR PLANET... EARTH.
AND DUMPED THEM INTOTHE VOLCANOES OF HAWAII.
THE ALIENS WERENO LONGER FROZEN
THEY WERE DEAD.
THE SOULS OF THOSE ALIENSHOWEVER, LIVED ON
AND ALL FLOATED UPTOWARDS THE SKY...
BUT, THE EVIL LORD XENUHAD PREPARED FOR THIS !
HA HA HA HAAAAA !
XENU DIDN'T WANTTHEIR SOULS TO RETURN,
AND SO HE HAD BUILT GIANTSOUL CATCHERS IN THE SKY !
AAAAAGHGHGH !ZZZZZZBAAAAA !
THE SOULS WERE TAKEN TO A HUGESOUL BRAINWASHING FACILITY
WHICH XENU HAD ALSOBUILT ON EARTH !
THERE THE SOULSWERE FORCED TO WATCH
DAYS OF BRAINWASHING MATERIAL
WHICH TRICKED THEM INTOBELIEVING A FALSE REALITY.
XENU THEN RELEASEDTHE ALIEN SOULS,
WHICH ROAMED THE EARTHAIMLESSLY IN A FOG OF CONFUSION.
AT THE DAWN OF MAN,
THE SOULS FINALLY FOUND BODIESWHICH THEY COULD GRAB ONTO.
THEY ATTACHED THEMSELVESTO ALL MANKIND
WHICH STILL TO THIS DAY,CAUSES ALL OF OUR FEARS,
OUR CONFUSIONSAND OUR PROBLEMS.
L. RON HUBBARDDID AN AMAZING THING,
TELLING THE WORLDTHIS INCREDIBLE TRUTH.
NOW ALL WE'REASKING YOU TO DO...
IS PICK UPWHERE HE LEFT OFF.
BUT I DON'T KNOWANY OF THIS STUFF !
NEITHER DID L. RONWHEN HE STARTED.
HE SAID HE JUSTCLOSED HIS EYES
AND WROTE DOWNWHATEVER CAME TO MIND.
YOU CAN DO THE SAME,JUST LET IT FLOW.
OKAY, I'LL TRY.
I JUST WISH I COULDWRITE IN MY ROOM,
BUT TOM CRUISE WON'TCOME OUT OF THE CLOSET.
I KNOW, WE'VE SENTNICOLE KIDMAN UP THERE
TO SEE IF SHE CAN HELP.
TOM...TOM IT'S NICOLE.
TOM, DON'T YOU THINK THISHAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH ?
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TOCOME OUT OF THE CLOSET.
What Scientologist Actually Believe
The head of the Church of Scientology tells Stan about the creation myth.
The boys have to help Mr. Garrison get his testicles out of Kyle's knees.x CLOSE
Cartman seeks to rid the world of hippies once and for all.x CLOSE
The boys realize they can make 10% of someone else's hard-earned money just by being talent agents.x CLOSE
Cartman's jealous when Kenny gets the last new portable gaming device before the toy store runs out. Will Cartman and Kenny be able to stay best friends forever?x CLOSE
If the boys can lose just one baseball game, it gets them out of playing the boring sport for the entire summer.x CLOSE
Butters is freaked out when he thinks he can communicate with the dead.x CLOSE
Jimmy has to get control of his raging hormones in time to perform in the school's talent show.x CLOSE
The world's largest beaver dam breaks, flooding the nearby town of Beaverton. As the victims wait for help to arrive, the people of South Park declare a Global Warming State of Emergency.x CLOSE
In order to retrieve a Future Telling Device the girls possess, Butters must fake his death, dress up as a girl and infiltrate their slumber party.x CLOSE
Mrs. Garrison still has feelings for Mr. Slave, but it's too late -- Mr. Slave has moved on and plans to marry his new love as soon as the Governor signs the same-sex marriage bill.x CLOSE
Stan takes a free Scientology personality test.x CLOSE
Stan's E-Meter scores are shockingly high.x CLOSE
The head of the Church of Scientology tells Stan about the creation myth.x CLOSE
Stan asks his parents for money to get help from the Scientologists, but they refuse.x CLOSE
The head of Scientology believes Stan to be the second coming of L. Ron Hubbard.x CLOSE
The head Scientologist asks Stan to lead the Scientologists.x CLOSE
Tom Cruise visits Stan.x CLOSE
R. Kelly sings about Tom Cruise's refusal to come out of the closet.x CLOSE
Nicole Kidman tries to get Tom Cruise to come out of the closet.x CLOSE
Stan chooses Scientology over his friendship with the boys.x CLOSE