OUR FRIEND STAN WANTSTO HAVE AUDITING !
OH, GOOD FOR YOU !
YOU'RE GONNABE SO HAPPY !
I HOPE SO.
IT'S THE BEGINNING OF A WHOLENEW LIFE FOR YOU, STAN !
SEE YA AFTERWARDS !
GREAT, SO DO YOUHAVE THE $240.00 ?
PERFECT, WE'REON OUR WAY !
COME ON OVER HEREAND I'LL FILL YOU IN
ON HOW THECHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY WORKS.
YOU SEE, STAN,SCIENTOLOGY WAS FOUNDED
BY A GREAT MANNAMED L. RON HUBBARD.
MR. HUBBARD DISCOVEREDTHAT NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
ARE ACTUALLY CAUSED BYTHINGS CALLED "BODY THETANS".
YES, AND BEINGTHE GENIUS THAT HE WAS
MR. HUBBARD INVENTED A WAYTO GET RID OF THE BAD THETANS !
THIS IS CALLEDAN "E-METER".
IT'S THE MAIN TOOLOF SCIENTOLOGY.
YOU JUST GRAB HOLDOF THESE HANDLES,
AS I TALK YOU THROUGHPAST EXPERIENCES IN YOUR LIFE.
I'LL BE TAKING READINGS, HERE,
AND WE'LL BE ABLE TODETERMINE YOUR THETAN LEVELS !
COME ON IN THE AUDITING ROOM ANDI'LL SHOW YOU HOW IT WORKS !
ALL THESE PEOPLEARE JUST LIKE YOU, STAN,
AUDITING WITH E-METERS
TO GET RID OFTHEIR NEGATIVE EMOTIONS !
ALRIGHT, STAN,I WANT YOU TO JUST RELAX
AND TAKE HOLD OFTHE E-METER HANDLES.
SO, THIS IS GOINGTO MAKE ME HAPPY ?
JUST TAKEA FEW DEEP BREATHS
AND I'LL JUST GETA BASE READING
OF YOUR THETAN LEVELS.
( deep breath )
( humming & beeping )
HUH... THAT'STHAT'S STRANGE...
BRIAN, COULD YOUCOME OVER HERE A SECOND ?
YEAH, OH,HEY THERE, GREG !
WILL YOU LOOK ATHIS THETAN LEVELS ?
HUH... WUL,GET ANOTHER E-METER,
THIS ONE ISOBVIOUSLY BROKEN.
SORRY, ABOUT THIS GREG.
...AND SO WE JUST TRY TOANALYZE YOUR PERSONALITY,
AND IF IT SEEMS LIKEYOU NEED SOME HELP,
THEN YOU CAN HAVE AUDITCOUNSELING FOR A NOMINAL FEE.
WELL, THAT SOUNDS PRETTYREASONABLE, M'KAY.
MIKE, I NEED TOTALK TO YOU.
EXCUSE ME, SIR,I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
ARE YOU ALRIGHT ?YOU'RE SWEATING !
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.WHAT IS IT ?
THE E-METER RESULTS FROMTHE LITTLE BOY IN ROOM "D".
THIS... THISCAN'T BE RIGHT.
WE RAN THE TESTFOUR TIMES.
WE USED FOURDIFFERENT E-METERS !
FAX THESE RESULTS TO THEHEAD OFFICE IN LOS ANGELES.
THE PRESIDENT HAS TOSEE THIS RIGHT AWAY.
GO, NOW !
Fax These Results to Los Angeles
Stan's E-Meter scores are shockingly high.
The boys have to help Mr. Garrison get his testicles out of Kyle's knees.x CLOSE
Cartman seeks to rid the world of hippies once and for all.x CLOSE
The boys realize they can make 10% of someone else's hard-earned money just by being talent agents.x CLOSE
Cartman's jealous when Kenny gets the last new portable gaming device before the toy store runs out. Will Cartman and Kenny be able to stay best friends forever?x CLOSE
If the boys can lose just one baseball game, it gets them out of playing the boring sport for the entire summer.x CLOSE
Butters is freaked out when he thinks he can communicate with the dead.x CLOSE
Jimmy has to get control of his raging hormones in time to perform in the school's talent show.x CLOSE
The world's largest beaver dam breaks, flooding the nearby town of Beaverton. As the victims wait for help to arrive, the people of South Park declare a Global Warming State of Emergency.x CLOSE
In order to retrieve a Future Telling Device the girls possess, Butters must fake his death, dress up as a girl and infiltrate their slumber party.x CLOSE
Mrs. Garrison still has feelings for Mr. Slave, but it's too late -- Mr. Slave has moved on and plans to marry his new love as soon as the Governor signs the same-sex marriage bill.x CLOSE
Stan takes a free Scientology personality test.x CLOSE
Stan's E-Meter scores are shockingly high.x CLOSE
The head of the Church of Scientology tells Stan about the creation myth.x CLOSE
Stan asks his parents for money to get help from the Scientologists, but they refuse.x CLOSE
The head of Scientology believes Stan to be the second coming of L. Ron Hubbard.x CLOSE
The head Scientologist asks Stan to lead the Scientologists.x CLOSE
Tom Cruise visits Stan.x CLOSE
R. Kelly sings about Tom Cruise's refusal to come out of the closet.x CLOSE
Nicole Kidman tries to get Tom Cruise to come out of the closet.x CLOSE
Stan chooses Scientology over his friendship with the boys.x CLOSE