OH DUDE,CHECK IT OUT !
I GOT A JAKE PLUMMER !
OH MAN, I GOT A CRAPPYA.J. FEELEY AGAIN !
HOW COME YOU DIDN'TBUY ANY CARDS, STAN ?
I CAN'T SPENDANY MONEY.
I'M SAVING UP FORTHAT BIKE I WANT.
HA, SAVING MONEY !DURRRR !
SO WHAT SHOULDWE DO NOW ?
IT'S SATURDAY,WE HAVE TO HAVE
AS MUCH FUNAS POSSIBLE !
HEY I KNOW, LET'S GOPLAY LASER TAG AT FUNPLEX.
HEY YEAH !
NO, I DON'T WANT TOSPEND ANY MONEY, YOU GUYS.
LET'S JUST DO SOMETHINGFUN, THAT'S FREE.
STAN, DON'T YOU KNOWTHE FIRST LAW OF PHYSICS ?
ANYTHING THAT'S FUN COSTSAT LEAST EIGHT DOLLARS.
YEAH, DUDE, NOTHING FUN IS FREE.
WELL I CAN'TSPEND ANY MONEY !
OKAY, BE A JEW.
WE'RE GONNA GOPLAY LASER TAG !
YEAH, SEE YA !
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TAKEA PERSONALITY TEST ?
IT'S FUN ANDIT'S FREE !
EXCUSE ME ?
WE'RE DOING FREEPERSONALITY TESTS TODAY !
WHAT DOI HAVE TO DO ?
HAVE YOU HEARDOF SCIENTOLOGY ?
IT'S ALL BASED ONTHE BOOK 'DIANETICS'.
A LOT OF REALLY COOL PEOPLEARE SCIENTOLOGISTS.
LIKE TOM CRUISE,AND JOHN TRAVOLTA !
WHY DON'T YOUCOME ON IN
AND WE'LL GET YOUR FUN FREEPERSONALITY TEST STARTED !
LET'S JUST FINDAN EMPTY ROM HERE,
LOTS OF PEOPLE GETTINGFREE TESTS TODAY !
HEY BRIAN !
HEY KELLY,HOW'S IT GOING ?
GREAT, I WANT YOUTO MEET MY NEW FRIEND STAN !
HEY THERE,HOW ARE YOU ?
BRIAN'S GONNA GIVE YOUYOUR PERSONALITY TEST,
AND THEN LET YOU KNOWSOME THINGS ABOUT SCIENTOLOGY !
GOOD TIMES,GOOD TIMES !
LOOK, IS THISA RELIGION ?
BECAUSE MY FAMILY IS, LIKE,CATHOLIC OR SOMETHING.
OH THAT'S NOTA PROBLEM AT ALL !
SCIENTOLOGY IS MORE OF ANALTERNATIVE TO PSYCHOLOGY
THAN A RELIGION !
THEN HOW COME THAT SIGN SAYS"CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY" ?
OH THAT'S JUSTTHIS THING--
WHAT'S THE DENVER BRONCOS'RECORD NOW, SIX AND TWO ?
SEVEN AND TWO.
WOW, THAT'S GREAT !
ALRIGHT, COME ON INAND TAKE A SEAT,
WE'RE GONNAHAVE SOME FUN !
ALRIGHT, NOW I'M JUST GONNAASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS.
JUST ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS ASTRUTHFULLY AS YOU CAN, ALRIGHT ?
OKAY, NUMBER ONE -
DO YOU EVER MAKE REMARKSWHICH YOU LATER REGRET ?
UHHH... SURE ?
WOULD YOU RATHER GIVE ORDERSTHAN TAKE THEM ?
DO YOU EVER WHISTLE...JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT ?
OKAY, FINALLY,DOES LIFE SOMETIMES
FEEL VAGUE ANDCONFUSING TO YOU ?
OKAY, STAN,WELL, THAT'S IT...
THAT'S THE END OF THEPERSONALITY TEST.
SO HOW'D I DO ?
WELL, I HATE TOTELL YOU THIS, STAN, BUT...
YOU ARE ONEMESSED UP KID.
YEAH... I'M AFRAID THATYOU ARE COMPLETELY MISERABLE
AND TOTALLY DEPRESSED.
I AM ?
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT !
WELL, THERE'S CERTAINLY NO QUESTION
THAT YOU ARE A PERFECTCANDIDATE FOR SCIENTOLOGY.
I THINK IT CAN REALLYMAKE YOU HAPPY AGAIN.
WHAT DO I DO ?
IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
WE JUST NEED TWO HUNDREDAND FORTY DOLLARS.
Free Personality Test
Stan takes a free Scientology personality test.
The boys have to help Mr. Garrison get his testicles out of Kyle's knees.x CLOSE
Cartman seeks to rid the world of hippies once and for all.x CLOSE
The boys realize they can make 10% of someone else's hard-earned money just by being talent agents.x CLOSE
Cartman's jealous when Kenny gets the last new portable gaming device before the toy store runs out. Will Cartman and Kenny be able to stay best friends forever?x CLOSE
If the boys can lose just one baseball game, it gets them out of playing the boring sport for the entire summer.x CLOSE
Butters is freaked out when he thinks he can communicate with the dead.x CLOSE
Jimmy has to get control of his raging hormones in time to perform in the school's talent show.x CLOSE
The world's largest beaver dam breaks, flooding the nearby town of Beaverton. As the victims wait for help to arrive, the people of South Park declare a Global Warming State of Emergency.x CLOSE
In order to retrieve a Future Telling Device the girls possess, Butters must fake his death, dress up as a girl and infiltrate their slumber party.x CLOSE
Mrs. Garrison still has feelings for Mr. Slave, but it's too late -- Mr. Slave has moved on and plans to marry his new love as soon as the Governor signs the same-sex marriage bill.x CLOSE
Stan takes a free Scientology personality test.x CLOSE
Stan's E-Meter scores are shockingly high.x CLOSE
The head of the Church of Scientology tells Stan about the creation myth.x CLOSE
Stan asks his parents for money to get help from the Scientologists, but they refuse.x CLOSE
The head of Scientology believes Stan to be the second coming of L. Ron Hubbard.x CLOSE
The head Scientologist asks Stan to lead the Scientologists.x CLOSE
Tom Cruise visits Stan.x CLOSE
R. Kelly sings about Tom Cruise's refusal to come out of the closet.x CLOSE
Nicole Kidman tries to get Tom Cruise to come out of the closet.x CLOSE
Stan chooses Scientology over his friendship with the boys.x CLOSE