HEY, UH, I NEED TOTALK TO MR. EDWARD, PLEASE.
HE DOESN'T DOPRIVATE READINGS.
I'M NOT HEREFOR A READING
I JUST NEED TO ASK HIMSOMETHING REAL QUICK.
ALRIGHT,COME ON IN.
JUST WAIT RIGHT HERE,I'LL GO FETCH HIM.
HERE HE IS !
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,JOHN EDWARD.
( applause )
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
HEY, I NEED TO ASK YOUA BIG FAVOR.
YOU DID A READINGOF MY BEST FRIEND
AND UH, WELL YOU KINDAMESSED HIM UP.
"THE JOHN EDWARD SHOWIS NOT LIABLE FOR
OPINIONS AND MATERIALS GIVEN FORENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY."
LOOK, MY FRIEND KYLE WON'TFLY BACK HOME TO COLORADO.
ALL I NEED YOU TO DO ISJUST TALK TO HIM AND TELL HIM
Y'KNOW, THAT THE WHOLE TALKINGTO DEAD PEOPLE ISN'T FOR REAL.
MAYBE IT ISFOR REAL.
RIGHT,BUT IT'S NOT.
IT'S A TRICK YOU DOAND I NEED YOU
TO JUST LET MY FRIENDKYLE KNOW THAT
SO HE CAN GO ONWITH HIS LIFE.
LOOK, PEOPLE HAVE THE RIGHTTO BE SKEPTICAL.
I REALLY HEARVOICES IN MY HEAD.
YES, WE ALL HEARVOICES IN OUR HEADS.
IT'S CALLED INTUITION.
GET OVER YOURSELF AND TELL MYFRIEND IT'S JUST FOR FUN.
LOOK, WHAT I DODOESN'T HURT ANYBODY.
I GIVE PEOPLE CLOSURE ANDHELP THEM COPE WITH LIFE.
NO, YOU GIVE THEMFALSE HOPE
AND A BELIEF IN SOMETHINGTHAT ISN'T REAL.
BUT I'M A PSYCHIC.
NO DUDE,YOU'RE A DOUCHE.
I'M NOT A DOUCHE !
WHAT IF I REALLY BELIEVEDEAD PEOPLE TALK TO ME ?
THEN YOU'REA STUPID DOUCHE.
I THINK I'VE HAD ENOUGHOF YOUR BULLYING ME !
GET OUT OF MY HOUSEOR I'LL RUN UPSTAIRS
LOCK MYSELF IN MY PANIC ROOMAND CALL THE POLICE.
I'M NINE YEARS OLD !
I'M NOT TALKING TO YOUR FRIENDAND I'M NOT A DOUCHE !
GET OUTTA MY HOUSEOR I'M CALLING THE POLICE !
YOU ARE SO A DOUCHE !
I'M NOMINATING YOU FOR BIGGESTDOUCHE IN THE UNIVERSE AWARD,
YA DOUCHE !!
SON OF A BITCH !
I'm Not A Douche
John Edward is a phony douche.
With the popularity of a new weight loss program, the boys see their opportunity to become sponsored by a major restaurant chain.x CLOSE
When the boys travel to Aspen and hit the slopes for the first time, Stan has a run-in with one of the locals and is challenged to a race.x CLOSE
The boys sign Butters up as a guest on a popular afternoon talk show that features people with weird deformities.x CLOSE
When the boys kidnap baby calves to save them from becoming sweet juicy veal steaks, the police show up and a standoff ensues.x CLOSE
All the kids in South Park are wild with anticipation to see the first trailer for the latest Terrance and Phillip movie.x CLOSE
The boys fire Butters as their friend, unleashing his dark side.x CLOSE
Cartman tries to retrieve his Sea Men from Ms. Choksondik's stomach, while Professor Chaos plans to destroy the world.x CLOSE
Priest Maxi travels to Rome when the Catholic Church scandal begins to impact church attendance in South Park.x CLOSE
The boys take on a cause when they realize that their favorite films are being enhanced, re-released and ruined in the process.x CLOSE
Bebe is the first girl in the fourth grade to "develop," threatening the boys' friendship and society in general.x CLOSE
Cartman goes to Scotland to seek help from Chef's parents.x CLOSE
Stan wows pedestrians in New York.x CLOSE
John Edward is a phony douche.x CLOSE
Cartman is rushed to the emergency room.x CLOSE
Chef, Mrs. Cartman and the boys fly to New York.x CLOSE
Chef's parents can tell Cartman is possessed.x CLOSE
Stan gets his own show and uses it to prove his point.x CLOSE
Chef forgets to bring a child for sacrifice.x CLOSE
John Edward challenges Stan to a psychic showdown.x CLOSE
Kenny's soul takes over a pot roast.x CLOSE